Mended Broken Souls

Chapter 6

"Ngayon ka pa nagsaing, Ashia?! Alas sais na! Saan ka ba galing, ha?"

Napatigil ako sa ginagawang pagsasaing nang marinig ang sigaw ni Mama na kapapasok lang sa kusina. She just recently came home from school. Nang papasok na sana ako kanina sa bahay na tinutukoy ni Venice ay inaya na niya akong umuwi dahil nakauwi naman na pala ang lola niya.

She said that her grandmother pranked her. Nainis ako nang kaunti dahil nasayang ang oras para sa maagang pagsasaing ko sana kaya todo sorry sa 'kin si Venice.

She insisted that she will be the one to explain to my mother but I didn't let her because she wasn't yet still at home. Kaya ko naman ang sarili mo. I can be independent... and I'm used to it.

"May ginawa lang na project, Ma. Kasama si Venice," I answered, lying, and didn't glance at her from behind. Nakapapanibagong hindi ulit siya sumigaw matapos kong sagutin ang tanong niya.

"Si Venice? Mabuti naman ay may maganda kang impluwensiyang kasama. Ramdam kong hindi iyon sakit sa ulo, hindi katulad mo. Kaya siya lang ang kaibigan mo, ha? Baka tuluyang mawala ang pagiging sakit mo sa ulo. Oh, tapusin mo na 'yan. Siguraduhin mong may makakain kami."

Nangilid ang luha sa mga mata ko nang makaalis na siya sa kusina. Despite of the tears that were forming at the edge of my eyes, I continued doing my chore. Wala pa si Papa sa bahay kaya ayos lang na umiyak ako rito dahil hindi niya ako makikita. Even in front of my father, I don't want to cry.

I can manage myself. Yes, Ashia, you can... While convincing myself, I burst out into tears again that hard.

What have I done in my past life that I need to experience this?

"Ate, umiiyak ka po?" I felt a hug on my waist from behind. I know that it was Akisha but I didn't answer her.

Mas lalo lamang akong maiiyak kapag naaalala na punong-puno siya ng pagmamahal galing kay mama, samantalang ako, even a bit, I can't feel it.

"Puntahan mo na si Mama sa taas. Narinig kong tinawag ka niya. Pabayaan mo ako rito."

"Pero, Ate, umiiyak ka po nang dahil sa kaniya..." When I glance at her, I saw how she pouted her lips.

"I'm not crying, Akisha. Kung ayaw mong magalit ako sa 'yo, umakyat ka na sa taas."

Her face was filled with horror, and she immediately nodded her head before following my order.

Pagkatapos kong magsaing ay umakyat na ako sa kwarto para doon ipalabas ang iyak ko. Negative thoughts filled inside my mind again. Anak ba talaga ako ni Mama? Does my father really love me? Is Akisha's happy that our mother is in favor to her than me?

Narinig ko ang pag-vibrate ng phone ko kaya kinuha ko ito't tiningnan. It was Venice's text.

Venice:

Ayos ka lang ba riyan? Ay tanga ko, alam kong hindi. Sorry talaga, Shia, ha? Huhu... Cheer up na, I love you... Nandito lang ako.

Pinilit kong ngumiti.

Hindi ko alam kung bakit parang may nag-udyok sa 'kin na mag-online. I immediately opened my twitter account, especially when I saw the recent tweet of Caleb like she was referring someone.

Bakit ko siya ini-stalk? Wala naman sigurong masama, 'di ba? I'm just curious.

@ce_alonzo:

Sa mga nag-sa-sana all mahal d'yan, this is the Bible verse for you tonight, "You are loved. The Lord appeared to us in the past, saying 'I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness.' — Jeremiah 31:3. Good evening, everyone! God loves us.

Tugmang-tugma ang tweet niya sa nararamdaman ko ngayon. I really felt so unloved that I doubt my father's love for me. Through his tweet, I suddenly remembered that there's God who loves me. I just found myself smiling.

Nagpatuloy ako sa pag-scroll. I guess, the simultaneous tweets about him pertaining to someone is... about the girl he likes.

@ce_alonzo:

Gusto talaga kitang tawagin na 'My Youth' because it is unique... but I love to call you 'My hope' as well, you are like one of my hopes.

@ce_alonzo:

You are more beautiful when you smile.

@ce_alonzo:

A daily reminder: God loves you.

@ce_alonzo:

I was sad yet my lips suddenly curved for a smile when I heard you uttering my name for the first time.

Hindi ko namalayang nakatulog na pala ako dahil sa pagod ng mga mata ko kakatutok sa phone at galing sa pag-iyak. Nang magising ako ay pansin kong madilim na. Sobrang dilim din sa kwarto ko dahil nakapatay ang ilaw.

I heard a sound from my stomach, I am already hungry. I looked at the time on my cellphone. I almost cussed when I saw that it was 9:30 PM already! So I slept for straight three hours?

Dahil sa gutom ay dali-dali akong bumaba. Madilim na rin ang buong bahay at tahimik na kaya hula ko'y natutulog na sila Mama ngayon. I immediately went to the kitchen to eat, however, I felt a painful pang in my chest when I saw that there were no foods to eat anymore... thinking that they didn't wake me up to eat with them and even left nothing for me... shattered me more.

Hindi ganoon si Papa pero baka sinabihan ni Mama na tapos na akong kumain.

This is the truth of your life, Ashia. What do you expect?

I felt tears in my eyes again but I immediately wiped it. Too much of crying, Ashia.

Bumalik ako sa kwarto ko para kumuha ng hoodie. May bukas pa naman sigurong convenience store kaya doon na lang ako kakain. Wala naman na akong kakainin dito. They probably forgot that I exist here.

I also took money from my bag, and went outside after. The breeze and fresh air quickly embraced me. Hindi pa naman tahimik ang gabi rito dahil may naririnig pa akong nag-v-videokey na kapitbahay, but despite of the noises coming from them, it still feels like peace that all I wanted which was currently embracing me. Taliwas sa impyernong nararanasan ko sa sarili kong ina sa bahay na sana'y isang tahanan ang mararamdaman ko.

Ipinikit ko ang mga mata at dinama ang hanging probinsiya.

One thing I love in my hometown here in Leyte is the fresh air. Napapalibutan kasi ng maraming niyog ang probinsiya. Napatingin ako sa maraming bituin at sa crescent moon na siyang paborito ko ring tanawin. I gave them my sad smile.

I wish I was one of the stars whose responsibility is solely to give light and calm every human being. I loathe my reality because... I was the one who need it. Needing light because ever since I was born, I lived in the dark.

I am really tough outside but fragile inside.

Nang makarating ako sa convenience store na bukas pa kaya mabuti na lang, bumili agad ako ng cup noodles. May lamesa naman doon pero parang magsasara na ata sila kaya naisipan kong maghanap na lang ng ibang mauupuan.

My eyes were landed on the church that was just few meters away from me. The San Nicolas de Tolentino Church. The gate was open because the start of the mass of Misa de Gallo will already start later at 5 AM. Malapit na rin pala ang pasko na hindi ko ramdam.

Dinala ako ng mga paa ko patungo roon. May mga naglalakihang parol sa magkabilang gilid ng simbahan sa labas na nakabukas ang mga liwanag kaya napangiti ako nang kaunti sa pagkamangha. I sat on one of the benches that were just recently made because it was being planned as project of the year by our church president. Nag-sign of the Cross agad ako.

Binuksan ko agad ang cup noodles kong mainit pa. May kasama itong chopsticks kaya hindi ako ma-mo-morblemang kainin ito. When I started eating, I couldn't stop myself from bursting into tears again. I wiped those tears right away because I got traumatized of the thought that someone might see me in this state again even it is impossible for now because the people who live near here were already sleeping probably.

Malaki ang bench na inuupuan ko na hula ko'y tatlong tao ang makakaupo pero nasa pinakagilid lang ako sa kaliwa. Nagulat ako nang may biglang umupo sa kabilang gilid ng bench na inuupuan ko na naka-itim na hoodie rin katulad ko. Natatakpan ng hoodie ang kaniyang ulo pero nang kinuha niya ang parte ng hoodie na nakatakip sa ulo niya ay ganoon na lang ang gulat ko nang makita si Caleb na natatabunan ang kilay ng kaniyang buhok.

He didn't give me a glance so I guess, he doesn't know that I'm here. It was better because I will be given an enough peace this night. Natakpan din naman ng hoodie ang ulo ko kaya alam kong 'di niya ako makikilala.

The next thing I heard is his... cries. This is the first time that I heard him cry. He is known to be a jolly person and in that way, people can see him as a tough person but deep inside, he's really breaking.

People thought that the transparent reality of a person is known by what they often showing, not knowing that it was a disguise.

Ilang minuto ang lumipas na naghahari ang katahimikan sa aming dalawa, ang mahihinang hikbi niya lang ang nagbibigay ingay. Something inside me can't bear seeing him in that state because I used to see him laughing and smiling like there's no hidden pain behind that smile.

"God loves you." Those words just abruptly came out from my mouth when I remember his reminder on twitter every night.

Narinig ko ang biglaang paghinto ng iyak niya at kahit 'di ko man siya lingunin, alam kong gulat na gulat siya. But I don't know if he recognizes me behind this hoodie.

"Y-Your voice is familiar, sino ka? Akala ko multo kanina kaya winalang bahala ko na lang dahil hindi naman ako naniniwala sa multo."

"Kung multo man ako, hindi ako nakaitim. I'm a good person so I'm sure that I am a white lady if ever."

I don't know but I was slightly enjoying the moment that he doesn't recognize me. Hindi ko rin inaasahan ang pagkurba ng ngiti sa labi ko.

Ngayon lang naman 'to...

I heard his laughs.

"Weh? Pakita nga ng mukha, baka kilala kita. Parang kilala talaga kita, e."

"Yes, you know me."

Nagulat ako nang bigla na lang siyang pumunta sa harapan ko para dahan-dahang tanggalin ang hoodie sa ulo ko. He was so quick that I didn't have the chance to run away from him. Nang tagumpay niyang natanggal ang hoodie sa ulo ko ay nanlaki ang mga mata niya.

Ako nama'y tiningnan lang siya nang walang reaksiyon. Kitang-kita sa mga mata niya ang pamamaga dulot ng narinig kong pag-iyak niya kanina.

"Julienne?!"

"I said, don't call me Julienne, ang tigas talaga ng ulo mo." I looked away with my forehead creasing.

Dahan-dahang kumurba ang ngiti sa labi niya na kita ko sa peripheral vision ko. Umupo ulit siya sa bench pero sa oras na 'to, hindi na sa gilid kundi sa tabi ko.

"Ang cute, e," nakangiting aniya.

I glanced at him who was looking at me as well. Pero galing sa walang hiya niyang pagtitig sa 'kin ay dali-dali siyang nag-iwas ng tingin at tumalikod sa 'kin. My forehead creased again.

"Why?"

Hindi siya sumagot. Isinuot niya ulit ang pantakip sa ulo ng hoodie niya at hindi na ako nilingon pa.

"N-Narinig mo ako kaninang umiiyak?" nakayuko niyang tanong.

"Obviously."

Natahimik siya.

"Why are you here?" I was reminding myself to just shut up now, but... there's a part of me that doesn't want. And I don't know.

"Pumunta muna ako kina Christian na kaibigan ko rin na kapitbahay n'yo ngayong gabi. Siya lang naman daw mag-isa ngayong gabi kaya ayos lang... Pumunta muna ako rito sa simbahan because being here is my reliever. Ayaw ko munang umuwi sa amin..." He was a bit hesitant when he started answering my question. Hindi niya pa rin ako nililingon.

I was about to ask again but he spoke again...

"Narinig mo naman sa sharings siguro na I have a broken family. Ang Papa ko, iniwan kaming dalawa ni mama noong four years old pa lang ako without leaving a reason... I am still waiting for him to comeback until now at ganoon din naman si Mama pero hindi ko naman akalaing nakahanap na siya ng kapalit kay Papa. Kaya ako nag-stay sa tindahan kanina dahil naroon ang boyfriend ni Mama..." His voice shattered.

"I was going home happily pero naglaho iyon nang makita ko ang bago niya. I don't have the right to stop her happiness because for the past years, she's really sad that was caused by my father but I was expecting her to still wait for my father kaya masakit... Hindi ko matanggap," patuloy niya.

He shared his problem to me like he's very comfortable with me.

My lips parted to his sudden outburst. Hindi ko akalaing ku-kwentuhan niya ako sa karanasan o problema niya. I want to pretend that I'm not interested but seeing him in this state, I can't bear it. Ramdam ko rin ang pagkadurog ng puso ko knowing that we have the same reason in our sadness tonight. Our mothers.

Hindi ako nagsalita at tiningnan lang siya. I don't know how to give an advice when it comes to a family problem because I can't even advice myself... that has always been the dominant problem of mine.

"Crush mo na ako n'yan?"

Napatagal na pala ang tingin ko kaya 'di ko namalayang hinarap na niya ako at mapang-asar na tinanong 'yon.

"Para kang tanga. I just really don't know how to give advice so I just left a stare. My kind of advice is a stare. That's it. There's no reason for you to assume."

"Ouch naman. Pero hindi mo naman kailangang mag-advice, e. Sapat na sa 'king sinseredad ang pakikinig mo at pinakinggan mo ako because I know that it is rare for you to do it. Nagtaka nga ako kung bakit hindi ko narinig ang palagiong sinasabi na 'hindi ako interesado'. Sobra-sobra na para sa 'kin ang pakikinig mo, Julienne. Kaya... thank you." He smiled.

"You're welcome."

"'Yon lang?" Ngumuso siya. Kunot-noo ko siyang tiningnan.

"What do you expect me to say next to that?"

"Wala naman..."

"Wala naman pala. I'll go ahead."

Itinakip ko na ulit sa ulo ko ang hoodie na inalis niya kanina sa ulo ko at tinapon sa malapit sa basurahan ang cup noodles kong ubos na. I glanced at the church again. I did the sign of the Cross again.

"Ikaw, bakit ka nandito? You are supposed to sleep already."

Nakatalikod na ako sa kaniya para umalis pero natigil ako sa paglalakad para lingunin siya at sagutin. His eyes scream innocence which made me stare at it for a moment.

"We have the same reason. My mother," sagot ko at tinalikuran na talaga siya.

Narinig ko ang mga yapak niya sa likuran at ilang sandali pa'y naramdaman ko na ang pagsabay niya sa lakad ko. Nasa kalsada na kami ngayon.

"Baka compatible tayo dahil parehas ng rason."

"Hindi ako naniniwala sa mga ganiyan," I quickly said.

"P'wede ako sumabay sa 'yo pauwi? Nasa unahan naman ng bahay n'yo ang bahay nila Christian," umaasang tanong niya at nakita ko ang tingin niya sa 'kin sa peripheral vision ko.

"Yes."

Sinabayan niya nga akong umuwi at nang makarating ako sa amin ay papasok na sana ako pero narinig ko pa ang hirit niya.

"Goodnight, Julienne. Don't forget to pray. God loves you, too."

"Same," I briefly replied before proceeding to my plan to enter our house.

In-open ko sandali ang cellphone ko sa twitter dahil may post akong nabasa kanina na nagpa-interesado sa 'kin na hahanapin ko. May nag-notified.

@ce_alonzo has new tweet.

Wala naman sana akong pakialam but I accidentally clicked it, so I suddenly read it.

@ce_alonzo:

Goodnight, my youth. Don't forget to pray. God loves you, too.