HOW TO FAKE NORMAL

I once read that 73% of people lie during job interviews. I didn’t fact-check it, but it felt true enough to quote while I was lying through mine. “I’m a team player,” I said, even though I once threatened to staple a coworker’s tie to his desk. “I thrive under pressure,” I added, while mentally calculating how long I could survive in this blazer before it became a sauna. Carol, the HR specialist, nodded like she’d heard it all before. Probably because she had. I was the fourth candidate that morning, and judging by her twitching eye and empty coffee cup, she was one motivational quote away from quitting herself. Her name tag said “Carol – HR Specialist,” but her expression said “Carol – I’ve seen things.” I liked her immediately. “So,” she said, flipping through my resume like it was a menu she wasn’t planning to order from, “tell me about a time you overcame a challenge.” I paused. Technically, I’d overcome the challenge of not strangling my last boss with a phone cord. But that felt like a story for drinks, not interviews. “There was a project,” I began, vague enough to be safe. “Tight deadline. Limited resources. But I rallied the team, delegated tasks, and we delivered ahead of schedule.” Carol raised an eyebrow. “What was the project?” “Uh…” I glanced at the ceiling like the answer might be written in the tiles. “A…marketing campaign. For…eco-friendly dog shampoo.” She blinked. “Eco-friendly dog shampoo?” “Very niche,” I nodded. “But the dogs loved it.” She scribbled something on her clipboard. I hoped it was “creative thinker” and not “possible hallucinations.” The truth was, I didn’t want this job. I wanted the paycheck. I wanted the illusion of stability. I wanted to stop Googling “how to make soup from ketchup packets.” But mostly, I wanted to feel like I wasn’t failing at adulthood. Carol leaned back. “Do you have any questions for me?” I had several. “What’s the Wi-Fi password?” “Do you validate parking?” “Is there a secret tunnel I can escape through if this goes badly?” Instead, I smiled. “What’s the company culture like?” She gave me a look that said, “You poor, sweet summer child.” “It’s…collaborative,” she said. “Lots of meetings. Lots of emails. Occasional birthday cake.” I nodded solemnly. “I respect cake.” She didn’t laugh. I made a mental note: Carol is immune to charm. The interview ended with a handshake that felt like a truce. I walked out of the building feeling like I’d just survived a mild interrogation. Outside, the sun was too bright, the pavement too hot, and my shoes too ambitious for walking. I checked my phone. No missed calls. No texts. Just a notification from my bank app reminding me that I was dangerously close to overdrafting. I sighed. “Adulting is a scam.” .