The Hummus King and the Bathtub Queen

PROLOGUE I went in for gas because the dial had been on the edge of the red line for almost two days. She was filling in front of me in some middle-class Japanese car. It looked like she took it from her dad. She looked pretty horrible in a general matter, but I couldn't take my eyes off her giant breasts, who were completely sticking out of her b*a like they're yelling at me - take us, lick us, bend us. I can't see very well from afar, but I'm pretty sure a part of her n****e wasn’t held by her b*a. I lost it. Like a man that hasn't eaten for a year and is now going to a feast at the Moroccan King's castle. Images started running through my head and I completely lost my concentration, especially after she looked at me like a s**t, to the point I thought I was about to take the gas pump and shove it up her a*s. I didn't have the guts to go talk to her and I felt the whole thing slipping away from me. I was filled with frustration. To skydive, to open a business, to draft screenplays, to pitch in front of the top 50 executives at Universal Studios, to bungee jump from 493 feet, I can do all these things, but I can’t hit on a fugly chick that’s been eyeing me for thirty minutes? I saw that she was taking her time with the cashier and was throwing non-stop looks my way. It’s now or never. Now. I just went in her direction without the slightest clue of what I was going to say. My heart was racing like a maniac. She had just signed her name on the receipt slip, so I asked her if she could give me her name as well, or if she only gives it to the credit card company. It turned out well. She gave me her number. I felt like that moment when you raise your Academy Award in the air, after saying all the thank you-s, in which you haven't forgotten anyone. "So… Maybe you can come to my place and we can have a good time?" I had to make sure she knew what we were going towards. "Come over to your place and have a good time?" She answered like she had just got off an armed vehicle. "Yes, why? What's the problem with having a good time? Everyone wants to have a good time, no?" "Yes, but... you're so direct." "Direct...? I’m not that direct," I smiled to myself acknowledging my previous thought, "I have DirectTV, but other than that..." A giggle. A silence. The moment of truth. Now we close all the inseams of this deal. What I say now is very crucial. I'm either in her mouth in six hours or I'm j*********f to the internet. It’s all about saying the right thing now. "Come on, I'll come to pick you up, just tell me when and where and I’ll report for duty." What can I say - I felt that if I don't bend in the debate, the deal is going to blow up. "Let’s smoke a cigarette and talk for a bit," she replied, and started walking towards the corner of the gas station, over by the air pump. How exasperating, just what I need, that someone will walk by and see me with this monkey and her t**s out, sitting and smoking a cigarette by the air pump of a gas station. Why am I being ticketed for only wanting a simple thing - to touch a breast after an ocean of celibacy? Did I ask for too much? It felt rude to bail now, so I followed her to the air pump and sat on the curve like I was about to get up at any moment, like I was sitting there by accident. She lit my cigarette. I didn’t talk much. She didn’t either. She must've liked it, because she told me she had just bought two amazing thongs. We agreed I’d call her later and check them out. I went back on my moped, and I was angry with myself. I can’t see the sun, the trees, the clouds. I can barely see the road. I'm only seeing my little Philly. It’s evening. I'm laying in bed at home, dead tired, dialing Philly's number, but unable to press "call." Instead, I call that chick, just cause I want to pass a few minutes of my life, and I tell myself that no matter what happens, no matter what she says or what we talk about, there's no way I’m seeing her. After thirty minutes, I find myself in her bed having her cat's tail rub against my a*s cheeks as I give it to her doggy style. At the peak of my anger I smacked her cat off the bed, and then she told me that it isn’t nice to hit cats, and I told her that I didn't hit her, that I have a cat and I love cats, and I just threw her off the bed because she kept rubbing on me and it interrupted me, and then she said that the cat was here before me and that it’s not interrupting. And this whole discussion continues while my d**k is in her doggy style, and then the cat got back on the bed and I didn’t shoo her cause I wanted to keep f*****g and I forgot about everything and really got into f*****g her and she started screaming and squealing, and all of a sudden something smashed right in the head and I didn’t understand what it is until I saw the curtain rod on the bed and my d**k fell from the pain and I realized that she was so excited she pulled the curtain and pulled the whole thing straight into my skull. I stopped f*****g her cause this crosses the line and I’m pissed at myself over how I even got there and my forehead hurts and I wanted to die and then she asked: "are you ok?" And me, all I want is to go home but somehow, we get back into it and then at the peak of madness a mosquito gets in my ear and I find myself f*****g her with everything I've got while smacking myself in the ear, and I want to die. My d**k is totally flaccid in there from the mosquito and the cat and my forehead is incredibly swollen from the curtain that came down on it at 100 mph, and I’m all angry and sweaty trying to imagine crazy p**n films to get out of this terrible situation, and then right when I manage to restart it and I’m about to c*m she goes "not yet, not yet" and then I start thinking of bin Laden and 9/11 and cartoons and the fact I’m not successful in life and I’m begging for the mosquito or the cat to come back and knock “him” over for me but they don’t show, and I feel like I’m about to explode and she yells again "wait for me, wait for me," and then I just stopped, stood up, and felt the burst stop at the very last second, at the edge of its edge, a split second from the point of no return. The world stood still, I’m hitting the brake hard, and then right at that moment she moved backwards and I squirt a bit of it in there and I pulled out of there cause I’m not wearing a c****m and she’s not on birth control and I start rubbing it outside to somehow save this god-awful o****m, and a split second after the hose fully opens I feel a very rough tongue in my a*s hole and from the terror I moved aside and slap whatever it is with everything I got and I hear a sort of "meowww" and then silence. The kitty is dead. What a mess. The girl started screaming and squealing, "you killed her I can’t believe it, you killed Schlompi," and me, I have nothing to say and she starts crying, "why did you do it? Why did you do it?" And I say I’m sorry it was an accident and she yells "how, how," so I’m trying to explain to her everything I was going through and she cries, "she was a kitten, a kitten, oh, my Schlompi," and I don’t know what to say anymore so I decided to go home and at the edge of the door I turn my head back, see that ugly chick I met at the gas station this morning crying over her cat that’s laying there breathless after I smacked her while she licked my asshole the second I came, and I think to myself, "isn’t it time for you to get married already?" I left her house and I knew it was time for love.