The Flirtatious Elf and the Clueless Vagrant (2)
1502 Words
Had I only realized it sooner.
Yes, I'm still firmly committed to you, Belle.
But in the course of my adventuring gig, I've interacted with more women than you can shake a stick at!
And this elf is the most recent woman I need to be with as part of my legally-binding quest contracts!
How many times have you castigated me because you suspected that I went out with another woman while on a quest?
For example, that perfume incident?
And now...
You might question that I cavorted with an elf, and then you would say, “Ooooh... you're really hornier than I thought! Humans aren't enough for you, so you try to experiment with elves?! How dare you!”
No, Belle.
I know you can be jealous at times, but that doesn't mean I'm giving you the cold shoulder!
I always make it a point to remember you every time I go questing, mainly not to get seduced by the women I go along with on those quests!
Since we're both of legal drinking age, the bouncer of Firmalev Beer House easily lets us in.
It's also good that it's now approaching nighttime.
The so-called “happy hour” beckons.
At this time – that is, 6 post meridiem – there are not much patrons here, but at least the establishment's in-house band starts to play classic tunes.
The band, by the way, is a string quartet complemented by a female vocalist.
Is the answer really blown in the wind, my friend?
The search for the elusive must never come to an end
Because as long as humanity persists
The answers to the questions of nature and life still exist.
A pretty waitress comes in to our table.
“Good evening, sir and madam! May I take your orders?”
I'm not one to drink alcohol, so to make Ruth happy, I'll just order some non-alcoholic beer.
Yes, that drink exists, thanks to the efforts of drink alchemists who want to satisfy the tastes of teetotalers desiring hard drinks without the guilt.
As for the alco-pop... well, there's a gin and lemon-lime soda combo, a vodka and dalandalan soda combo, and a soju and pomelle combo.
“I'll have the gin and lemon-lime soda combo, please.”
The waitress concludes...
“One bottle of non-alcoholic beer and one bottle of gin and lemon-lime soda combo. That'll be 687 guintos.”
I pay the tab as promised, and...
“Thank you. Your drinks will be served shortly.”
As the waitress leaves, I ask Ruth...
“You sure you can tolerate alcohol? I personally don't drink the stuff, but I treated you anyway since this is practically the only bar in our immediate vicinity. The next nearest bar is a prefecture away, you know.”
“Yeah. Back in Bea-Davaeth, there's no alcohol to speak of. But we have something called a grape draught, which from the name itself, is made from grapes and is non-alcoholic. As for my first taste of alcohol... that was a year ago. I tasted human-made red wine, which comes from the same source as grape draught. They're both delicious, by the way!”
“Good. But this alco-pop thing... it's an entirely different beast. It has soda, yes, but the hard drink it's mixed with comes from a different source, that is, grains. And the kick's quite stronger. Are you sure you will take it, huh?”
“Yup! I'm ready to take it all!”
What a feisty elf.
The waitress comes back with the drinks.
I'm given a frothy mug of non-alcoholic beer, while she's given a tall glass of the gin and lemon-lime soda combo, complete with lemon and lime slices on the side of the glass.
As we start sipping, I ask her...
“It's agreed upon in the quest contract that I must keep you company until you're satisfied with me. The question is... how long?”
“About that... I have no definite time frame. I dunno if it could take a day, or even a week, or even a month. As long as this need is satiated, I don't mind how long. I'm a patient girl, you know.”
Her ears then pick up something unsavory.
“Walter... I sense danger. Let's brace ourselves!”
“Who exactly are we bracing for?”
“Here they come!”
Five grown men, who all have muscular builds and stubbly faces, suddenly show up at the bar.
The presumed leader of these guys declares...
“There you are, you spunky elf. You tried to run away from our affections, but now you can't hide from them any longer.”
And I can see that by the front door, the bar's bouncer is knocked out, which is the cause of the commotion I can hear outside.
Ruth openly declares her defiance.
“One thing's clear. You've made these catcalls, and I'm automatically turned off by them, plain and simple. Aren't you all aware that catcalls are prohibited by law?”
The leader of the drunkards answers back.
“What kind of silly law did that king pass? It's giving us all a hard time to get laid!”
Bah! These guys are not that different from those perverts who posed as Koryun refugees just to take advantage of a s****l and racial stereotype!
And they're disrespecting His Highness himself, too! Now that's a two-in-one offense!
Now I have to speak my mind to protect her.
“Guess what, guys? Ignorance of the law excuses no one. So what if you're not aware of that law? You can always read the daily newspapers, for one! You can't just hide yourselves under a rock, you know!”
The anger level of the leader of the drunkards now reaches its peak.
“So then, Miss Saucy Elf and that pale and malnourished companion of yours, you will taste the might of us! Those whose sole sources of strength are alcohol, babes, and so much gambling!”
Yeah, right.
I just hope that after all this, these five will have wives who are chatty gossipers, bulimic mouth-breathers, and nasty naggers!
We all assume fighting poses, initiating a brawl.
The other patrons and employees, except for the band, all huddle together for cover.
So what's with the band?
“Might as well play appropriate music. Hit it, boys!”
As per the vocalist's recommendation, the string quartet plays some intense battle music, with the vocalist doing the scatting accompaniment.
The brawl starts with them all charging towards us.
Going mano-a-mano, huh?
I counter their frantic charge with a Bagaslow scroll, which should slow them down despite the scroll only working on one target.
But despite their slow motions, one of these drunkards manages to connect his fist to my face!
And that punch hits me so hard that I quickly develop an awful bruise!
I'm taken aback by that punch, which unfortunately leaves Ruth exposing herself wide-open for the five to gang up on.
Despite that disadvantage, she brings out her Elven Rod and casts a spell.
“These subzero blades will chill your blood! Geloice!”
The ice blades, with careful manipulation from the elf, all fly and end up in the posterior regions of the drunks.
They all tumble down like dominoes, writhing in anal pain.
“AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!! Our butts! Our butts!”
And Ruth finally declares...
“You'll experience more of that in prison, catcallers! Ciao!”
Knowing that the brawl's over, the band then plays a triumphant victory fanfare.
Two minutes later, two constabulary officers arrive at the scene.
After Ruth and I explain to the officers that the five are the ones who catcalled her yesterday, they immediately arrest them.
Ten minutes later, Firmalev Beer House returns to working order, as if the brawl never happened.
The festive mood is back, with patrons cheering and laughing and singing along with the band's covers of famous songs throughout the kingdom.
The bouncer also recovers from being knocked out via a single Healing Potion from the constabulary officers.
The owner and manager of the beer house then shows up, congratulating us.
“For your gallantry in standing up to these troublemakers... and you didn't even wreck this place in the process... you'll get your money back from those drinks you've ordered, plus some other treats for tonight only! It's our little way of saying thanks.”
Our happy hour... which should be called “happy two hours” because of that “extension”... continues.
We both feel hungry as 8 post meridiem approaches; and in another kind gesture, the owner and manager gives us a huge plate of grilled mutton absolutely free!
Hah. Seems like my night with Ruth the elf will get longer.
And by the way, she didn't get drunk even as she finished all that alco-pop she ordered.
But as she downs her fifth glass of alco-pop...
She faints.
Oh well, I have to guide her to the inn.
- Writer
