Torment: Book Two of Shadow goddess series (COMPLETE)

I decided to bury Tristian where I had found my parents grave. Anger consumed me at seeing my father there, his headstone standing beside my mothers. He didn’t deserve to be here; he didn’t deserve peace. So, I destroyed it. Reduced it to nothing but a pile of dust. I never wanted to see that man again in my life. If I did, if I ever crossed paths with him, I would kill him with no remorse. I never knew him as my father, he didn’t raise me. He was nothing but a complete stranger. A stranger that got my Tristian killed. A stranger who ripped part of my heart from my chest and killed it. He would pay for what he did, one way or another, he would pay. First, I had to train with Alethea and Lilith. Hades agreed to help me in my endeavor. Promised me he could and would help me get revenge once I was ready. Once I was awakened, whatever that meant. Hades’ training would become harsher as he pushed me. He said I would never be able to defeat Zeus to get to my father otherwise. They thought killing someone I loved would stop me, cripple me. They never expected to release a monster. A monster who would not stop until the people responsible were dead After everyone left, I stayed and stared down at Tristian’s headstone. I had his headstone carved from perfect white marble, pure like he was. His name and birthday displayed in perfect black lettering. The fresh dirt that covered his casket where he would become nothing but bone, where he would waste away as if he never existed covered him, blocking me from him, keeping him from me. It wasn’t fair, he didn’t deserve it. I did. I deserved to be where he was right now. But fate screwed me over, it decided it wanted to play with me. Anger filled me, never leaving me since we lowered one of my beloveds into the ground. Reluctantly taking my eyes from where he lay, I looked around at the perfect oasis around me. The magic that made the white stars shine still stunning me in their brilliance. But it needed something, something that would remind me of Tristian as much as it did my mother. And I knew exactly what it needed. Calling on Alethea and our magic I formed the perfect spell. Blue stars as brilliant and shinning as Tristian’s eyes were shot from my hand, expanding all over the small clearing. The blue mixing with the white was truly remarkable. The blue though, the reminder of his eyes. How they shinned so bright when he smiled. How he smelt of fresh snow and lilies. How his perfect milky skin would glow when I smiled at him. How his warmth consumed me when he wrapped me in his arms. All of what I lost came crashing down on me again. The loss, the pain, the pure anguish. I felt hallow, empty. A chasm in my chest so big it felt as if I would fall in and never return. I dropped to my knees, staring at where Tristian rest through tear blurred eyes. Laying my hands on his headstone wasn’t enough, I couldn’t get close enough to him. Not knowing what else to do, completely and totally lost, broken. I curled myself up into a ball on the fresh dirt. My arms held my knees to my chest while my face rested in-between my knees. My tears soaked in my black dress as I sobbed. Everyone had left, I could break down now. I could cry in peace with no one to try and comfort me. I didn’t want to be comforted. I deserved this pain. I deserved to feel the way I am. I got him killed. If only I hadn’t summoned Hades, If I hadn’t broken the seals. On the other hand, though without him I would never be able to stand against Zeus should that need arise. My mind kept spinning in circles. Again, if I hadn’t released Hades at least we would all still be together. If we died, we would die together, holding each other, or we would have escaped together. But what of everyone else? Could I condemn an entire realm to death just to save one of my men? The selfish part of me was screaming in my ears that I could without a bit of remorse. While another part of me, a quieter part was telling me no. It wasn’t fair, it wasn’t right. This was a situation where we sacrificed the one for the many. But why did that one have to be someone I loved? A broken sob left me as I curled in on myself tighter. I was cursed. The people I loved always died. Should I leave? Save the rest of the men, the people I loved from me? Would I have the strength it would take to leave them? Would they even let me go? I already knew the answer to that. No. they would never allow me to leave. Especially Cassius. I stopped to think about what would happen to him if I did leave. It would completely break him. No. It would shatter him. I didn’t think he could survive losing me after everything else he lost. He was already thinking of ending his life when we met. He still thought about it after we found each other. After he got the closure, he needed from his family he was better. More committed to me and his new future. The sadness lessened. It was still there. The pain and sadness he felt a constant in his life, but it lighter, easier to bear. I groaned; the sound harsh, raspy from my cries. Either way I went I was hurting someone, killing someone. Leaving them would kill me. I would leave all of myself with them, lose all humanity that is left inside me. But I would be condemning Cassius to death with me. If I stayed, I could be condemning all of them to death. My very presence would kill them. My curse. “I’m so confused Tristian.” I whispered, sliding my fingers through the fresh dirt. “I don’t know what to do. I got you killed.” Another sob broke through me, cutting off my words. “How can I do this without you?” My fingers dug into the dirt as I tired, imagined it was his hands. Or his hair. Anything. Imagining I was holding him. It didn’t help. Nothing would. “Rose.” Cassius’s voice whispered, even as he spoke through my mind. “Please come inside. Let me help you. Let me be here for you.” He pleaded. The sound of his pleas sent another shot of pain through my heart. I was hurting him too. I was hurting all of them by staying here, wallowing in my grief. But did they truly understand how I was feeling? Did they truly understand the emptiness inside me? No. Cassius would truly be the only one who could at least somewhat understand. Not completely since he’s never lost his bonded, but he did lose all of his family. He understood loss. “I don’t know if I can.” My voice breaking. “I don’t know if I can leave him. He would be alone.” The thought crushed me. He was alone. Please let someone be in his heaven, please. I begged. Don’t let him be alone. The idea of him being in his eternity alone was even more heartbreaking than I thought. He didn’t deserve to be alone. Would he truly be happy alone? Could he be happy alone? Was it possible? I know I wouldn’t be happy. I would be miserable. “He is never alone.” Cassius tried to assure me. “He will always carry you with him. Just as you will always carry him with you. Each of you are two pieces of one puzzle, you both carry the others piece.” “Never alone, but never complete.” I sniffed, rubbing my nose on the sleeve of my dress. He was right. The incompleteness would get easier. It would never fade. People are naïve to think time will lessen their pain. No, it wasn’t true. Time just made it easier to carry, gave your body and mind time as the pain acclimated. You’d always feel it, it would always be there. Never fading, the time just made you used to it. The pain would become such a big part of you that your mind body would accept it, make it a part of who you are. It is the events in life that make you who you are. They could strengthen you or weaken you. For a select few it would turn them. Make them angry, resentful, vengeful. I had a gut feeling I would be the latter, and I couldn’t bring myself to care. “Can I come to you?” He asked gently. His voice a soothing balm to my pain filled soul. “Yes. Please.” Even in my mind I could barely hear myself. I could feel the pleading in it, the silent pleas for help I didn’t know how to ask for. Cassius was in front of me on his knees in the blink of an eye, I knew vampires were fast but dang. It did not even take him two seconds to get me. I was grateful, I didn’t know how much I needed him until he pulled me into him. He uncurled me from my tight ball I was wound into and pulled me onto his lap. Cassius’s arms were tight around me as if he were protecting me, his cheek rested against the top of my head. I buried my face into his chest breathing in his scent of peppermint and earth. An odd mixture but one I loved and had grown oh, so addicted to. “It’s alright my beautiful Rose.” Cassius whispered into my hair. “You don’t always have to be strong for us.” His words hit something in me, and I once again broke down. In his arms I felt safe, cared for, understood. Cassius let me cry, let me sob into him. All the while he just stroked his fingers through my hair and rubbed my back soothingly. His touch, his scent, his presence was all I needed. I really didn’t know how much I needed him, how much I needed this. Being here, in his arms, I knew I wouldn’t have the strength to leave him. To leave the others. “You can not leave me, my Rose.” Cassius whispered into my mind; his mental voice almost trembling. “I can not lose you too.” “I will admit, I thought about it. I thought about leaving all of you. To protect you.” Cassius pulled back from me, cupping my face in his hands. His midnight eyes boring into mine so completely I felt compelled to look away, but I couldn’t. He was too beautiful, too wonderful, and completely mine. Somehow this beautiful creature in front of me, wanted me. “Protect me from what?” He asked, his voice stern. “Protect you from myself. I’m a curse Silas. That’s it. The people I love die. I’m cursed, there is no other way to describe it.” I wanted to cry again, this time for another reason completely. “You are not cursed. You’ve been dealt a bad hand, that’s all. I know this hurts now, I know it feels as if you can’t get over it and that you feel you are walking blind. It does get better. You Rose. You made me better, made me truly believe I was worth loving, worth living. You took the darkness from Phoenix, made him himself again. And Ryker. You completely turned his life around. He was an outcast, hated, feared. All because everyone was frightened of his eyes and never got close enough to get to know him. And Tristian. Tristian. You brightened his life. Even so briefly, you showed him what the world had to offer. Showed him what life outside the walls truly was.” “That’s the problem. I took him outside the walls. I showed him the horror this world held, the death. And it cost him his life.” I argued. “No. He loved you, he loved the experiences you gave him. Loved being by your side through all of it. You didn’t take him outside the palace. He wanted it.” I knew, logically I knew he was right. Tristian wanted to be free, he wanted to come with me. It was his choice; I never forced his hand. He was happy to be out of the palace. But he still left for me, to be with me. Did that still make it my fault? Was him choosing to come with me, be with me, my fault? Was it truly not my fault? Or was I just letting Cassius get to me? I guess I could look at it both ways. The blame was on us both, and he was the one who paid the price for our decision. “I know.” I finally sighed, my voice still just a whisper, still broken, but I was not longer crying. “I’ll always be here for you my Rose, always. If you go, I go, if you break, I break and if you die?” He looked deep into my eyes so I could understand the truth in his words and eyes. “The I die with you.” The thought. Cassius, buried beneath the earth beside Tristian made a shudder run down my spine, and terror seize my heart, stilling it for just a second. “No.” I all but screamed to him from my mind to his. With his wince, it was louder and more intense than it should have been. But I made my opinion known. I stared just as sternly into his eyes as he did into mine, except mine were full of resolve, promise. “If anything, anything was to happen to me, don’t you dare take your life.” I stated. “You deserve a life, to live. With me or without me. You’ve lost too much of your life as it is. There is still so much more to explore before you die, before we die. And if I have any say over it, we will explore this together, all of it. But, should I die, then you, you promise me you’ll live. You promise me you won’t do anything impulsive, anything stupid that you'll regret." Tears burned my eyes again and I was beginning to hate myself for the weakness I was showing. “Now you listen to me.” Cassius’s face had gone blank, emotionless. “You are my life. I have no life without you. Without you, I am nothing. I would be nothing but a shell of myself. It’s you Rose and only you who is keeping me here now, who is keeping me alive, giving me hope. Without you, my hope is gone. Do you understand me?” It was his turn for his voice to tremble, for his voice to tell me just how much he meant his words. His eyes glowing with the pain he thought he could face in the future. “Sshh now.” I cooed, running my fingers down the length of his face softly. “I’m here now, and I have no intention of going anywhere. Not anytime soon anyway” I assure him. “I love you Silas, I love you so much. Just as I do the others. I don’t want to leave any of you. Do you really think I would ever want to leave you in such pain? Such sorrow?” I caressed the side of his face and smiled gently at him, a few tears making their way down my cheeks. “Never.” I promised. “You can’t leave me either.” “Never.” He repeated me, a smile spreading across his lips. Brighter than before. As long as I had him, as long as I had the others, I would be okay, I would make it through this. Without them, I would have died along with Tristian, and I wouldn’t have complained a bit. Eager to follow him, to be with him. Always and forever.