I Want To Love You

Sea Green Smiles

August 2008

The alarm on my cellphone goes off for the third time this morning. It's the first day of school and I'm already running late! Story of my life. I rub the sleepiness from my eyes, sit up in bed and look around my bare room. My parents had decided they wanted the room down stairs a couple weeks ago. Why? Beats me. The upstairs room is way bigger AND it has a balcony! So when my mom told me we were switching I had no complaints. But since I just barely moved up here my room is still not decorated. I'll have to get on that.

I stand up and make my way to the bathroom where I brush my teeth and hair then run some water through it with my hands, calming down the bed head I have going on. I then pull my tiny makeup bag out from the cabinet I have above my bathroom sink.

My mom doesnt really let me wear makeup like the other girls in school. "You're my most perfect creation! Your face is classic and beautiful, and classic beauties don't need to pile makeup on their face" she always says to me.

But I never feel beautiful. I analyze myself in the mirror, trying to see what she sees but all I see is medium length dark brown hair, so dark it's almost black. My eyebrows are thin since although I'm not allowed to wear alot of makeup I was allowed to "clean up" my brows. And let's face it, what anxious teen with tweezers in hand ever does a good job? My eyes are almond shaped and brown. So boring, I wish they were green or blue, it would contrast with my hair so nicely. My nose, I'd say is perfect, just the right size and shape. But my lips? Oh god do I hate my lips. When I was young I fell off a slide and one of my teeth busted straight through my bottom lip, and unfortunately it never healed right. One side was slightly more plump than the other and it threw off my otherwise symmetrical face.

So no, I don't feel beautiful, I feel completely ordinary. Although there was that one time, about a month ago, outside the laundromat on that hot summer day. He looked at me like I was the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen. Just as I start to picture his deep brown eyes a loud buzzing noise interrupts my thoughts.

My ! LAST CHANCE ! Alarm goes off, as in last chance to get your ass ready and headed to school!

I dust some powder foundation and blush on my face, hand me downs from my mom. Put some eyeliner in the waterline of my eyes and add some mascara to finish the look. I avoid the lip gloss I bought recently since it only enhances the crooked. I dress myself quickly in some blue jeans, no easy feat since I have those classic latin hips and ass that always make putting jeans on a chore and a half. So much hopping and wiggling! Hopefully the day a clothing designer has us curvy girls in mind when creating their next line of jeans comes soon.

I throw on a black top, slide into my black sneakers and rush down stairs where my step dad Austin is waiting for me.

"Cutting it a bit close don't you think? And on the very first day" he says as he shakes his head disapprovingly at me.

"Sorry" I mumble" I'll do better tomorrow".

I kiss my mom Yeva goodbye on the cheek.

"You should put on some lip gloss! It'll make your makeup look more finished don't you think?" she says to me as I climb into the car.

Ugh definitely not! "No! I actually like my lips dry!" I call back to her from the garage "Love you!". I shut the car door and mentally prepare myself for an anxiety filled day. I hate being alone, but I also hate trying to make friends, so I spend alot of time alone at school.

We pull into the parking lot a few minutes later and it's packed, as usual. My highschool is pretty huge and filled with alot of the "above the track snobs". I've called them that ever since one of the other students told me that there is a train that runs through the center of town and that anyone who lives below the tracks is ghetto. The train tracks start on 14th St...we live on 10th St. And so I decided if they think I'm ghetto just for living below the tracks then they're snobs just for living above them.

I turn to Austin "Wish me luck" I say, as I roll my eyes.

He chuckles "Good luck Marilyn".

With my eyes cast downward and my books in hand I make my way to the gym. I'm a pretty tall girl so I don't go unnoticed easily, but I do my best. Since I'm running behind, the gym bleachers are full by the time I get there.

As I walk up the stairs I analyze everyone. I have to sit next to someone...Who should I pick? I'm beginning to panic over this trivial decision I have to make when I see her. The one other tall girl I've seen around school and the first thought that enters my mind is 'Shes tall, sit with her'.

As I sit down a sense of relief washes over me. Decisions like these, who to sit next to, probably seem insignificant to most people but for me it is an anxiety inducing roller coaster.

The gym teacher rambles on about the importance of the dress code and participation during all running exercises. But I don't run, and I don't care how many times he tells me to do so, it's not happening. He finally stops talking and leaves the class to mingle since it's the first day and we won't be doing much of anything.

I turn to my fellow tall girl and smile.

She smiles back.

I can tell she's glad I sat next to her too." Hi I'm Marilyn. Hope you don't mind me sitting here. I just figured, you're tall, I'm tall, so what the hell?"

She smiles " I was thinking the exact same thing! I'm Jazlynne" she then turns her focus back to her phone.

I take this time to study her. All I had ever noticed was how tall she was, same height as me. But now that I'm looking at her I notice that we actually kind of resemble each other, not like we're twins or anything but we could be sisters! She has long medium golden brown hair, and when I say long I mean looong! Down to her butt to be exact. She has an oval shaped face like mine only a softer jawline. Her eyes are almond shaped and brown but a lighter shade of brown than mine are. Even her smile is shaped like mine! Although she has a full mouth of pretty sea green braces. She's also wearing a sea green blouse, and even her phone cover is sea green.

I'm willing to bet money that that's her favorite color. "I like your phone case! It's super cute" I say.

She smiles again "Thanks! It's my favorite color."

I knew it!

"So what lunch period do you have?" She asks me

"Second" I say with a slight eye roll, not even attempting to hide my frustration about having to eat later in the day rather than earlier.

She chuckles at my display of annoyance "I know! I'd much rather eat early, but I have second lunch too! Wanna eat together?"

I've always spent lunch alone. I'd watch all the other students meet up with their friends or save spots for them in the lunch food line and wish that I was more social, or approachable. So now that a possible friend is presenting themselves with minimal effort on my part I know I shouldn't let the opportunity slip away. I don't want to spend the rest of high school alone."I'd love that!" I say enthusiastically.