UNTIL DAYLIGHT

15

15.

Broken a heart

Yet it beats hard.

"Matteo you promised me!" I burst out annoyed.

He sighed from the other end of the phone before answering me: "I'm sorry, he was a last minute unexpected ..."

I snorted again and closed the call without saying goodbye.

I threw my phone on the bed and I dropped to the foot of the bed, exhausted. I had many thoughts on my mind that evening, including Mirko's behavior this morning. I slightly bent my torso, bringing my hand to my forehead. I just rubbed my temples, at the same time I heard a noise.

Mirko was right there.

He entered my room, climbing up. I wasn't surprised at all, so much so that I answered him sourly.

He justified himself, as always. I rolled my eyes and continued to look at him, only to tell him that he didn't interest me. My pride was really a fault, my being touchy about everything. I had started to be like this after the first disappointments. I just needed to protect myself.

I felt the need to do it, for me!

"I do. Yes, I care about you, even if I don't know anything. Not a single drop of you. I wish I knew, I would really like to know you better .."

He said it softly, as if fearing that those words might seem false to me, and, indeed, his first thought was just not to believe him.

But I was tired. Really tired!

I tried to send him away, turning my back on him and hugging myself. I began to run my hands over my arms, shaking them as if to warm me. The sweatshirt alone was no longer enough.

I felt a hollow in my chest, and I often wanted to curse myself for being so fragile inside. I had always been the strong one, on the other hand no one could imagine what was going through my head, what I felt inside. Or, rather, what I could no longer hear. It was as if I had lost hope for everything: from loving, to dreaming, to fighting. Each day seemed the same to me, and I couldn't wait for it to end.

Only the night, somehow, I thought it was different.

Then I met Mirko, and something lit up in me, slowly, making me feel different, and this had warned me.

Damn fear ..

I felt his arms wrap around me as he hugged me to his chest. I closed my eyes and let myself be lulled by that embrace of him, relaxing every single muscle.

I turned to him, and looked him in the eye. I was starting to love them. To love that sparkle they had with every glance. To love that slight smile that formed on his lips, only to get lost in silence. He brought his face close to mine, and we started kissing, first slowly, then until our tongues collide in kisses full of desire. Filled with something I've never felt before: something akin to passion.

He sat on the bed, and I straddled him, continuing those kisses, and shifting onto his neck from time to time. I returned to his lips as I began to sway my pelvis against his. We were both excited, eager.

Only when I found him pleasuring me with his mouth did I realize I was lost. I arched my back, my hand inside the sweatshirt, clutched one of my breasts. Every move of him, every moan of mine, in unison. I didn't think it could be like this .. Beautiful ..

My breaths were faster and faster, he held me steady by the thighs, so that he would stay still. I didn't want anyone to hear me, and, trying to stifle the moans, I bit my bottom lip. My hand ended up in the middle of his hair, squeezing it in my fingers once I reached the pleasure.

I was on my bed with every single part of my body, helpless. Certain sensations are not meant to be described, but are meant to be experienced.

Now, Mirko, he had kindled in me every hope, every desire, every desire, everything.

He grabbed me to get under the covers, and lay down next to me. His head on my chest. I ran my fingers over and over to caress him, until I closed my eyes and fell into Morpheus's arms, with no thought torturing my mind. With a new sensation inside the body, inside the heart.

***

It had been two days since that night. Mirko was gone. When I woke up I could not find him next to me. I found nothing of him, not even a note. At first I thought that maybe he had had some urgent calls, and I was hoping to get a message from him, or that he would come back in the evening to sleep with me. It was nice to sleep in someone's arms. Everything tasted new, yet I felt he would hurt me more than it should.

And today, after two days, I still turn the phone on and off, sighing.

Milan that Sunday afternoon was really crowded. There was a bustle of people I had never seen before. Or, in any case, a comings and goings that I hadn't paid much attention to. The waiter stood at the door, glancing between the tables, and then turned it to me, waiting for my nod.

I looked among the people looking for Jade, but it seemed impossible to find it! Then I looked at my cell phone again and no messages from Mirko ..

"These smartphones! They'll eat your head!"

I looked up and Giada was in front of me, smiling. I was just distracted for a moment ..

I smiled and got up to hug her warmly. It was nice to see some friendly faces every now and then!

"Sorry I'm late, I couldn't find the cigarettes in my bag, and I went to the tobacconist to buy them. Have you been waiting for so long?" She asked, taking her seat in front of me.

I shook my head. "I actually delayed a bit too .. You know, thoughts.,"

“Thoughts make your hair come out white!” She joked, with her usual Neapolitan accent.

I began to laugh and motioned to the boy at the door, who came to take our orders.

We had an aperitif directly with a rustic cutting board.

"So, what are you going to tell me? What have you done in this period?" I asked Jade, as she brought the straw to her lips, sipping her aperol.

I met Giada a couple of years ago. We immediately made friends, and what struck me about her was her sympathy and her being her extrovert of her. The first years of our friendship were virtual, but when she learned that she moved me to Milan, she was happier than me. At last we could laugh, talk, and confide in her, alone. It was impossible to see greed or selfishness in her. She was there. She is always ready to go out of her way for anyone she cares about.

"That from this week I start the new sessions at the university. Thursday I have the first exam .." she sighed. “Then, finally, I got a job as a photographer and they pay me well. At least, I can afford the fees and get on with it!” She exclaimed.

I smiled. " It's a beautiful thing! "

"And you, what about you?" She pointed her eyes into mine, curious.

I began to let my gaze wander; maybe I should have told her what was happening to me, to get a point of view of her. I knew she wouldn't judge me, yet, I still felt a strange sensation.

“Promise me you won't judge me?” I asked, with a note of uncertainty in her voice.

“Alé, when did I ever judge you?” I had her attention. "You know you can tell me what happens to you without having paranoia or strange fears."

I nodded and was silent for the first few minutes, thinking about how I could start the speech with the right words, without feeling that weight in my chest get the better of me!

"Do you know that I live in that b & b? Here, a couple of evenings after I got there, I replaced Nina, and a boy came. I swear to you, it was beautiful! We started talking, bumping into each other, and, in the end, seeing each other. I like him. I like his ways, the way he talks to me, he smiles at me. Between us there is this strange thing, this strange chemistry, and it pushed us to kiss, and .. " lip for a moment, holding your breath, and then exhale quickly. "Here .. He .. He .."

Jade started giggling at my awkwardness and my embarrassment.

“Was he good?” She asked her, bold and ironic at the same time.

I nodded my head, giggling. " Enough! "

"So what's wrong?"

I remained silent again. What could I tell her? 'Maybe he has a girlfriend' or 'he just turns up'.

"I don't know, Jade .." I murmured. "He seems taken, and now he hasn't been heard or seen for two days. He has my number, but I don't have his number .."

She arched an eyebrow. " What does it mean? "

I snorted: "It's such a strange situation .. I thought he was writing to me .."

"And you didn't ask him when you were together?"

I shook my head.

"Stupid .." She closed her eyes for a moment, and started to turn her glass.

"Then there's another person, always a boy, Matteo. I'm fine with him too, but he's not the same .."

"You try certain things with just one person. You have to understand who you want .."

"My mind repeats Matteo .. Matteo .."

"And your heart?"

"My heart focuses on Mirko. He longs for the sensations that Mirko can give him .." I murmured softly, as if talking to myself.

It was strange that certain feelings came so randomly to upset your life, but, at the same time, to make you sink a little, slowly ..

And I was insecure.

The mind or the heart?