Inside Us : Knife

Judgment Seat

(Court room)

Knock... Knock... Knock... Knock...

the sound of a hammer knocking from a judge who is sitting right in front of me, requesting that the room is quiet and quiet

"Please calm down while waiting for the lawyer from the side to come," said the judge as he opened the entire room.

today I had a trial where I became in on the murder case itself, sat in a chair resignedly and wanted to shoot myself in the head to get rid of this burden, from the moment I entered the room, and began to imagine what would happen next while enduring the pain in my stomach. the corners of my lips turning blue, 15 seconds have passed since the hammer hit the wooden table, it's been a long time when you're in an atmosphere you don't want to attend and never expect

*****

(Mother's Room)

that night they found me standing next to me lying on the bed, when surprised there was a blade stuck in his neck with blood continuing to flow the white mattress with a red color, then focused on the knife that had been embedded in half of it. approached walking slowly as if not believing what she saw, my aunt's mouth trembled with tears that started to well up when she was beside my mother

"ARRGGH...what are you doing?" said my aunt while holding back the shock and fear,

my grandmother was just silent in the corner of the wall near the door in my mother's bathroom, resting right on top of her heart and my grandmother's breath increased, my grandmother was getting weaker and dropped her body backwards without realizing it, my aunt who saw my grandmother immediately ran towards her while ran to wipe the tears that were on her cheeks then revived my grandmother

"omaa..omaa.." said my aunt by lifting her head while rubbing her cheeks to wake up immediately

Deg.. Deg.. Deg.. (my heart is beating)

Without looking at my grandmother, I was revealing my mother with a body that seemed to be unable to move with my eyes wide open, I felt my heart rate increase slowly followed by legs starting to limp, hoping this is just a bad dream when I wake up everything is fine.

*****

Knock... Knock... Knock... Knock...

the judge returned to the green table repeatedly because the atmosphere was filled

"Ladies and gentlemen, please calm down," said an old presiding judge with glasses complete with judge's clothes, a red shirt with black sleeves and a white cloth in front,

the voice made me wake up from my daydream, I tried to slowly look back there were sitting some people from my mother's family, there was aunt nirmala with her husband then in front of her sat uncle yudi my mother's eldest brother with his wife and children, they both stared intently with hatred, and my grandmother who was still weeping with sobs, beside her there was an aunt who was embracing while looking to the right to calm down, then she watched me with her breath and slightly teary eyes then slightly moved her head to the left a sign that she didn't believe what was happening. 

I can feel what is in his heart he really wants to be angry and respect me but he will not change the situation. I turned my face back to the front and sighed, I looked at the clock on the wall which showed 10:00 am

Tick.. Tock.. Tick.. Tock..

I can hear the Clock sound even though the room is quite crowded with people

This is what it feels like to be looking down pensively in a white-walled room sitting on a wooden bench and in front of the judge's table wrapped in green, again I turned my gaze back to the right, trying to see people sitting, including risman's father's brother who was watching while leaning his hands with 9 fingers 

starting to be empty of what decision I'm going to accept, whether it's a lifetime or even a lifetime, drifting back to that night trying to figure it all out

*****

(My room / 15 hours 30 minutes before that night)

this morning i tried to clean up my messy room, i don't wonder why my room always suddenly has a lot of books on the floor, because since a month ago uncle yadi's family started moving to my house and heard my mother was sick so she accompanied her sister (my mother) together My aunt and grandmother who have been under the same roof for a long time, because my aunt is not married, so my grandmother and mother told her to stay here.

duk duk duk duk duk duk (The sound of running feet)

the sound of stomping feet with running shoes, I know who it is, I put the book that fell to the floor on the table for a moment, and walked slowly towards the bedroom door trying to peek a little so as not to be caught to surprise my naufal cousin who is still 4 years old

"DORRRR ....." I said when he was right at the door of the room,

Naufal was surprised and almost fell because of my sudden voice, I immediately caught him hugging him and lifted him while laughing because of my cousin's funny expression in surprise

"Hahaha, opal was surprised earlier huh?" I said while pinching his nose,

(Opal is Naufal nickname)

he just smiled showing his teeth that were still small, making my morning mood better because earlier I had to clean up my messy room a lot of books fell on the floor and books that had been drawn by cars and mountains by him some time ago, and apparently when I was still asleep he drawing a special flower for a child

"Earlier, Opal went to my room and messed up Aunt Kika's room, huh? Let's clean it up," I said, pinching her cheeks excitedly,

I know it's my cousin's doing, he often messes with things at home because he's still small, so his hands are very active when he sees things

"Auntie Kika will take opal to mama, okay?"

He just nodded while biting his finger, I took him to my uncle's wife, holding him then while joking and chatting with him even though he didn't understand and just looked at me with a smile

"Later, when you enter Aunt Kika's room, don't shuffle the things"

The door to my room was never locked before, sometimes when I wanted to sleep I just closed the door to my room because I only lived with women in this house so what was there to be afraid of.

after being delivered I intend to visit my sick mother, while walking followed by the sound of footsteps

duk duk duk

When in front of the door I saw my aunt who was giving me a wet towel to reduce my mother's fever, she was very diligent in helping this house sometimes I also helped her clean the house, seeing that I also canceled my intention to visit because my mother was still asleep and let her rest

*****

"eewwww the room is messy like this" I said annoyed while tidying up the book that was placed on the table and my doll on the floor, this brown teddy bear was a gift from my father, when I was a child at the age of 7 my father gave this as a birthday present because I never had friends, since elementary school my mother told me to Homeschool until I finished high school,

I realized why I homeschooled and didn't go to formal school like most people, it was because my house was in the interior and far from the nearest school. When viewed from the outside, my house is surrounded by forests and tall trees, the distance from the neighbors is not too far only covered by trees, my father moved to this house when I was little

"It seems that my room has been tidy again" I said with my hands holding my waist because I was tired while looking around the room so that nothing was left to tidy up.

my room is not too spacious, there is only a mattress on the side and then on the left there is a study table and bookshelf, when I'm done I try to lie back on my bed, stretching my arms to the side sticking out my legs

"wet?" I said surprised when my left hand felt the pillow slightly wet followed by my body getting up from my bed and taking the pillow,

"Maybe I drool when I sleep,or I'm sweaty when I sleep," I said, not paying much attention to it, then I replaced the pillow cloth with a dry one

*****

Suddenly a palm grabbed my left shoulder which made me a little surprised

"Kika....?" said a man, I turned my face towards him,

that is my lawyer om password, he is the youngest brother of my father and does work as a lawyer, when he received the news he immediately contacted me and was ready to help me.

"hey uncle" I said in a weak voice because I was trying to stay strong from my sadness,

"Did you have breakfast before leaving here?" ask my uncle

he is indeed a good person and one who is close to me

"Yes, sir," I replied weakly, nodding my head.

My uncle just smiled at me he tried to calm me down then he patted my shoulder while turning his body towards the lawyer's desk in my right corner.

*****

Knock... Knock... knock...

the judge humiliated his hammer back to the table, signaling that 3 knocks meant today's trial was about to officially open, the presiding judge and I stared at each other, gazes through his glasses as if to tell me of a bad decision to come.

Deg deg deg deg deg

My heart suddenly beats at a fast and irregular tempo, I can feel it as if my ears can hear my heartbeat, my hands suddenly tremble I try to hide it by clenching my fists tightly, my head starts to sweat because of panic

Deg deg deg deg deg

My mind started to mess up thinking about all the possible decisions that I would receive, drops of sweat began to fall from my head to my chin through my cheeks

Ngiiiinggg......

My ears started ringing, to get lost I couldn't hear any sound in this room, all I heard was ringing through my ears, my vision started to get a little blurry and shadowed, I tried to restrain myself from fainting,

I started to take a deep breath while closing my eyes, then let it out slowly to regulate the tempo of my heart, many times I tried until my panic began to subside and I could control myself again.

Bandung District Attorney for justice The public prosecutor's words sounded faint to my ears

"...Indictment court registration number : PDM - 1219 / bandung / 05 / 2010"

"...the first is the identity of the defendant"

"...Name Arunika Putri Kirana" continued the prosecutor, I who heard my name immediately looked at it

*****

I remember when my mother called my name as a child, that afternoon I ran in the yard followed by my mother behind who chased me, I who didn't want to take a shower had to avoid being caught, my father just looked at the front door of the house with a smile and a little laugh. I tried to dodge by running to my father to hide behind him, his glasses almost fell off. but he just laughed while holding my mother who was about to catch me

*****

"...The birthplace of Bandung City"

"...Age/Date of birth: 21 years/26 May 1989," said the prosecutor while holding the paper he had read from the start.

I came back to my senses from my daydream, still with limp legs and a dizzy head, little by little listening to what the prosecutor said and reading his lips as if to clarify his words

Tick...tock...tick...tock

I looked at the clock on the wall, it just showed 11 noon then looked around the room, they were focused on the Public Prosecutor's Office who was still reading the indictment, it was getting difficult for me to focus only hearing the faint sound

"... the third... indictment..." said the prosecutor as he paused his words followed by his eyes fixed on me

Deg deg deg deg deg

My heart suddenly beats irregularly again, I, who had controlled myself earlier, had to hold back my panic, I clenched my hands again, a sign that I was fighting myself.

"That he is the defendant Arunika Putri Kirana on Tuesday, June 2, 2o1o at 11 pm WIB or at least at another time in June 2010."

Hearing her say the time that night made me remember again, the knife stuck in my mother's neck, the blood that dripped down to the floor until it was red, I just stood beside her with a blank stare and my hands covered in blood.

"Which is still under the jurisdiction of the Bandung District Court, deliberately committed a premeditated murder of a woman named Azizah Kirana...."

Deg deg deg deg deg

I can't do anything, it looks like the death penalty is waiting for me