Three Little Birds

Two Steps Forward Three Steps Back Pt. 1

I melted into his embrace, and he picked me up from the tub, his bigger body holding me against his chest bridal style. No words were exchanged as he carried me into his room, my clothes already laid out on his bed.

He set me down by the bed and we both made short order of getting dressed.

Suddenly I was angry. At myself. At Mykel. At my parents, my sister, the very world. I stood beside the bed, my back to Mykel, my arms crossed over my chest defiantly.

I felt more than I heard him walk up behind me. My breathing stopped and I stiffened as he touched me. His fingers, barely grazing the tops of my shoulders slid away and I heard him sigh lightly behind me. 

"Mattie..." His hands lightly gripped my elbows in an attempt to turn me to face him, but I shook from his grasp and stepped away from him. And I kept stepping. 

Liz was in her bedroom, her door open as I came down the stairs. I heard her call my name but I didn't stop, nor turn around, as I all but ran from the house.

It was daylight enough that I didn't make another unexpected dive into the small pond, and I steered clear of it.

I wasn't so much running as briskly walking. 

I heard no pursuit behind me. Neither Liz nor Mykel followed behind as I crossed the property line. I hadn't paid close attention to where exactly I was going and when I finally looked around I realized I had wandered off onto one of many trails that hikers often traversed. And one I didn't know, on top of that.

Mykel and I had come out walking many times over the past few months. But always in the daylight. And always with him as my guide. I looked around at the canopy of treeline above my head.

Fuck. 

It was nearing dark now, the last little bit of light fading from the horizon, I looked around. It left the trail in just enough light to see, abundant in shadow from the trees.

"s**t. What now?"

"Now it's time to come home."

I spun around, my heart jumping into my throat, my breath catching. "Jesus f*****g Christ, what are you trying to do to me?"

Mykel smiled softly. "I'm sorry. Come on, Mattie. We should get out of here."

I took his offered hand in mine and we set off toward the house. We were quiet for a long time, not speaking until breaking the tree line onto Liz's property.

Among trying to get my thoughts together, I was trying and failing, to keep my footing. However, it seemed that tree roots magically popped up underneath my feet with every two steps I took.

As we paralleled the pond, I stopped, my hand not leaving his, the pull of his arm as he kept walking making him turn now back toward me.

"I didn't know you'd followed me." I was staring out at the water, still with the barest of ripples fluttering across it as a windswept along its surface.

"I kept my distance. I called you a few times before you went into the trees, but I guess you didn't hear me."

"I really didn't," I said as I shook my head. "I looked back once, but I didn't see anyone following me."

Mykel shrugged slightly. "I didn't want you getting lost. And I kinda figured you would. You don't really know the area that well."

I nodded but I don't think he saw. "I'm sorry, Mykel. I, uh..." I chuckled humorlessly breaking my vision with the glittering, moonlit pond. "I don't know, I just...I..." I dragged my eyes up to his, my expression pleading understanding.

"Ever since that night...which is f*****g stupid. Nothing even f*****g happened!" I was yelling at this point. Not at Mykel but myself. I grabbed my head with fists fulls of hair, hiding my face away, and bent slightly at the waist. Quieter I said, "And now it feels like it's all falling apart."

"Mattie, nothing-"

But I didn't want to hear it. "Mykel, don't. Okay? Please, just...don't. I can't."

Mykel stared at me for what seemed like forever before finally a look of defeat entered his expression and he nodded. "Right."

I didn't look at his retreating form as he walked, head bowed, back inside.

"Goddamn it." I shook my head at myself. I don't know how long I stood there, staring at the water's surface, but when I turned to go inside, Liz stood beside and just behind me.

"Jesus Christ on a f*****g piece of toast, Liz, you scared the s**t out of me." My hand pressed against my chest willing my heart to slow before I dropped it unceremoniously to my side. "How long have you been standing there?"

"Long enough. You looked deep in thought. I didn't want to interrupt you."

Her voice was soft, arms folded in her hoodie against the gathering cold.

"I..." My throat clenched. "I didn't mean to hurt him."

"Mykel's a big boy. He's just worried about you. I'm worried about you." When I didn't answer she took my hand. "Come on, Mattie. Let's go in. You're gonna catch your death out here."

I followed her silently, allowing her to lead me like a lost child back to safety. I felt like a lost child. That scared little boy that I always had been. A nobody. A...whipping boy.

For all the progress I thought I had made, I felt at that moment like I was getting nowhere.

Two steps forward, three steps back. A tiring, endless line of absolutely nothing. I felt myself reverting back to the person I'd been when I first came to work for Liz. I felt myself falling headlong into the darkness that I'd almost found my way out of.

A type of hopeless despairing overcame me, and one I had never felt previous. Sure, I'd never hoped for anything but death as a child, there was no light to cling to. But now I had been made aware of what love could be like. I knew that love didn't have to come candy-coated with hatred and pain; and now that I'd had a taste, I didn't want to let it go.

I didn't want it to let me go.

And right then I all but felt like it was all slipping from my grasp, sand crystals falling between open fingers.

"Mattie." She had dragged me into the house, through the kitchen, and into the living room, where she pulled me down next to her on the couch. "What's going on lately?"

I looked at her incredulous as if the answer to that should be beyond obvious at this point. She smiled. Message received.

"I know the catalyst, yes, but you've been pretty closed off as far as everything else. Talk to me. You've always been able to talk through it with me before."

She reached for my hand and I took it, squeezing, pushing all that I felt into the contact. With my eyes closed against tears and fears and the never-ending taunting of my inner demons, I fell into her hold. A maternal hold that I so longed for. 

It didn't matter our ages. It didn't matter that she wasn't quite old enough to be capable of being my mother. Her arms wrapped around me was, then and still to this day, the most maternal act I'd ever received.

"I don't know," I finally said, my voice a strained whisper. "I feel so lost. I...I can't think, I can't I can't I can't...fucking talk...I can't breathe, Liz. I keep seeing them staring down at me and all I could think was..." I stopped. I didn't want to say, but I knew I had to. 

She rocked us gently, petting my hair and holding me so tightly. She kissed my temple. "Thinking what, baby?"

I tightened my grip around her. "That I needed...I n-need-need-needed needed to get back in m-my my my, n-needed to get back in my box."

The sobs and wails came directly after this confession, and I felt the screams building, climbing through my bowels and up my chest.

I don't know how long she held me, it felt like hours, but couldn't have been more than three-quarters of one. Though the tears slowed and eventually stopped altogether, my slight, but constant, quivering spasms held on that much longer.

"I'm so tired. So tired of all of it. I'm scared, Liz."

Gently she kissed my head as she ran her fingers through my hair. "Of what, baby?"

"Of being that alone again." The confession was little more than a croak of a broken whisper.

"You're not alone anymore, Mattie." The comfort in her tone, her loving touch, the feeling of her arms wrapped around me; I felt my entire being ache for what she promised.

"I wouldn't survive being that alone again, Liz. But I'm scared...that...you'll just...be tired of all my f*****g bullshit baggage. Tired of me breaking down and freaking out at work, or freaking out in general. Just irritated after a while that I'm still some broken nothing and just...be...done. Both of you."