Three Little Birds

Safe Haven Pt. 4

I remembered the way they cowered from Mykel as he spoke, glancing in my direction as if I would speak up...or if they could reach me...

"You were smaller," Mykel said softly, kissing my cheek. He rested his forehead against where his lips met my skin and sighed.

"I wasn't when I ran off," I countered.

"Things are different now than they were then, also, Mattie," Liz said. I looked at her and shrugged. "Think about it, doll," she went on, "when you ran away, you'd had sixteen years of a***e that you dealt with every day. You were kept in a state of fear. They trained you to be afraid.

"Now...you're not alone now, Mattie. And we won't let anyone hurt you." Liz slid closer to me and kissed my forehead, leaving her hand on my chest. "You're in a place where you're loved now. You're finding out what it means to be happy. You're not there anymore, baby. You've grown beyond that kid you were. And so, despite how you reacted upon seeing them, you now see them for what they are."

I nodded and faintly smiled. "I know I'm not. And everything else is in large part to you. To both of you. You both have given me so much."

"You've given us more than you're aware of, Mattie." Liz shared a quick glance at Mykel as she said this and I wondered what that meant exactly.

I leaned forward and wrapped my arms around her, half lying on Mykel while ensconced in her embrace.

"I love you, Mattie," she whispered to me before she kissed my cheek.

"I love you, too, Liz."

We smoked and chatted for another couple of hours. The topic was kept light and they even had me laughing. We were all laughing. 

I stayed secured in Mykel's lap, his arms winding around my waist, every now and again placing a light kiss against my arm.

"Well, my loves, I'm beat. I love you both. I'm going to bed." 

Once Liz's door shut I turned to Mykel, my expression shifting. He looked at me curiously but didn't comment.

"Can we go up to your room?" The events of the evening were starting to backlash and boomerang back at me. 

"Yeah, come on." 

He stood and led me upstairs, keeping his hand firmly in mine. I smiled as I followed behind him, the warmth of his hand grounding me. I was grateful he had the foresight to know I needed him to keep physical contact; even if I didn't outright say it.

He pulled me to him when we reached the bed and I wrapped myself around him.

My face was buried into his neck and his scent engulfed me. I placed my lips against his skin, lightly kissing. His breath caught slightly and I was encouraged and, biting down sucked the sensitive skin between my teeth.

I traced my lips, biting and sucking from neck to ear to jaw, loving his reactions to me. He kept his hands firmly grasping the blankets as if afraid I would stop if he moved.

He let me have complete control. At first. 

Before, they didn't care if I was non-responsive. There was no foreplay, no meaning. They wanted to own me for their time.

I took my time, enjoying his moans and whimpers as I swallowed him whole. His hips thrust upward slightly, and I smiled, chuckling lightly. 

"Mattie..." He clutched at my arms drawing me back up his body. I kissed him soundly, our bodies so entangled I didn't know where his body began and mine ended.

He sat up, never breaking the kiss, his arms wrapping around my back, balancing me as he climbed inside my body for the first time.

"You can do this, Mattie."

I wasn't so sure. Five days had passed since I had seen my parents for the first time since I was sixteen.

The shower was running, steam fogging the mirror as well as my perception of reality. We both stood n***d, my arms wrapped around his neck, chest pressed against his, my face buried between my arms, head tucked underneath his chin.

Tears leaked from my eyes, and my chest heaved as my mind attempted to run away into my past.

My fingers, nails chewed to stubs, dug themselves into his shoulders. Mykel stood with his feet planted, arms wrapped securely around me, and I vaguely became aware he was rocking us back and forth.

The water still steamed up and around us, and I became aware of his fingers sliding across my skin. 

"You can do this, Mattie. I'm right here. She can't get you. She's not here. He's not here. It's just us."

Before I knew it we were at the side of the tub, and Mykel was drawing back the shower curtain, slow and careful. I didn't raise my head from where it rested, but I allowed him to guide me into the tub.

The water was at Mykel's back, little droplets bouncing off his body and landing on me. I felt the water collecting on my hair and as my breath quickened I raised my head.

"Come on, mon bonheur, open your beautiful eyes."

It was then I realized my eyes were screwed painfully shut, and I felt his gentle touch along my cheeks, but whether he was wiping away water or tears I don't know. My eyes fell open and locked with his.

His eyes were soft and there was a smile just behind them. I felt myself relax a fraction, though my fingers gripped him still as if my life depended upon it.

Mykel had gotten me almost used to daily showers with him, with less anxiety about the whole thing; but at that moment I felt back at square one. I looked away from him in shame, my heart breaking at the thought that I'd failed him.

"Mattie." Judging by the sound of his voice I knew he'd seen the shift of emotions glide across my face in that instant before turning away. I didn't look at him.

"Mattie, please look at me, mon bonheur." He cupped the side of my cheek, bringing my eyes to his. I felt the betrayal of stinging, hot tears fall, mixing with the spray of water off his shoulder. His eyes held questions that I couldn't answer. Not then at that moment. He read this clearly and nodded, reaching past me to grab the shampoo. 

Going against the grain, he washed his hair first, before grabbing the body wash and scrubbing himself down rather quickly, but not missing anything important. Normally I would do this task, but he seemed to understand that I couldn't move right then.

After he rinsed he put more soap on the luffa and began gently washing me. I lost myself in his touch, concentrating on him alone, and I felt myself begin to calm. He turned me around to wash my back before wrapping his arms around me, his chest pressing completely against my back.

I knew what came next, and I felt the resolve I'd built up crumble. I stayed silent as he grabbed the shampoo. His fingers massaged my scalp and hair into a soapy blob.

I felt the water stream move and I knew he'd taken the showerhead with its mobile function attached to a hose. He started at my shoulders, the water running down, rinsing soap from my body.

He did this so I could prepare. We both knew he'd have to essentially repeat this process after rinsing my hair.

"Ready?" This question always brought with it fear, but it had been less and less the past few months. This day the question brought with it a title wave of undiluted terror, and I felt overcome with tremors.

"Mattie." I looked at him, my expression a pathetic plea to just get it done with. I turned my back to him once again, tipping back my head as I did so. 

"I'm right here. It's just me and you." And my demons I added silently. "Here goes."

I felt the water touch the back of my head, his fingers working with the stream to both calm me and work the soap out. The stream worked its way up toward my forehead and I closed my eyes. 

Just as my breathing became erratic, as the screams of my younger self became too much for me to hear, the water disappeared and shut off.

Vaguely I heard the shower curtain slide open in the background and before I knew it a towel and familiar arms wrapped around me.