Three Little Birds

Promises Pt. 3

I wanted to believe him so badly. His words and his tone and the softness of his touch was so foreign the concept was hard to swallow. 

"What am I worth, Mykel? What have I ever done that's worth anything? I went from one a***e to another. Why would you even want me? Why do you want anything to do with some...used up w***e?"

The word made me sick to my stomach and tasted rancid on my tongue. I heard Mykel suck in a long breath, his nostrils flaring.

"Listen to me now, Mattie, and listen well. I don't care about what you had to do back then. Do I like you were put into a situation where that was your only means to eat? No. I don't like it at all. You were just a kid. A scared kid who had no control over anything in his life. 

"What I do care about, Mattie, is that you had enough self-respect to stop and find something better. I don't hold your past against you, and I'll never hold it over your head. That isn't..." He paused thinking, chewing his cheek as he thought. "That isn't where your worth comes from. We've all done things we aren't proud of."

I was looking at his shirt covered chest, staring in-between the thread lines. "Where does it come from, then?"

"It comes from the heart, my love. It comes from how you treat people. And as far as what you've done...oh, Mattie, you have no idea what you've done for me. Even in this short amount of time."

He kissed me again before wiping away fallen tears. "What have I done?"

In that moment I needed to know. I needed to know that I was good for something other than a live punching bag and a hole to f**k.

There was no humor in his eyes with the next words he spoke. No hint of jest, but completely heartfelt and earnest. "I never told Liz this...and, God, please, don't tell her...but before we met I was self-destructing. I was sleeping around and doing whatever I could to...forget. Forget about Kaiden, forget that he left me, forget...just forget. And I was so close to crashing and burning. I think she knew anyway, which is why she practically forced me to move in here again." He paused and brought his eyes back up to mine. "You gave me my smile back. You...made my heart not hurt as much with every beat. You make me feel alive again...after six years of feeling dead and numb and...you make me want to wake up tomorrow."

I could not speak by the time he finished talking. No one had ever said anything so kind and profound to or about me previous, and I couldn't swallow past the knot in my throat. 

Before my courage left me entirely, I brought my lips to his, capturing him in the third kiss I ever initiated. It was new and gentle and I did not ever want it to stop. Within the kiss that seemed to go on for a millennium held promises that could not for the moment be spoken; but conveyed clearly nonetheless for the absence of words.

I decided then that I would let happen whatever would happen. That he was worth the chance at heartbreak. That maybe we both deserved a chance at happiness.

I wanted to believe. I wanted him to teach me. I knew it would not be an easy feat. There was still so much darkness in my soul, so much pain and doubt and fear that even as I fortified myself for what was to come, my demons were still gnawing at the back of my mind.

But there was a difference now and I was ashamed I had never noticed it before. There was a light now. The small spark that was created at our initial meeting had caught, broadening into a small flame. He was my light in the darkness and I found that I wanted to nurture that flame until his light took up even the darkest of corners of my battered mind. Until there was no more shadows, until there was nothing but the blinding light his love enkindled within me. And within the promises his kiss reallocated to me, my own of similar intent were netted together, forming a foundation and bond that still stands strong almost a decade later.

When he pulled back he smiled slightly, tucking a lock of unruly hair behind my ear. "What happened today?"

I shrugged and looked away. I had almost forgotten how we had ended up lying in my bed.

"Tell me about it." His request was softly spoken and my eyes instantly watered as it all came flooding back.

"I was gonna clean up before I ate breakfast. I guess I wasn't thinking...I turned on the shower and got undressed...I was even okay...then when I got i-in I h-h-h-h-heard-heard-heard her v-v-voi-v-..." I paused frustrated with myself for my inability to properly speak.

"Take a breath, Mattie. Another one. That's it. Slow, deep breaths. You heard her voice..." He prompted for me to continue after I regained some control.

I nodded. "She would always say, It's time for your bath, Mathew. And when the water hit me...that's when I heard it...and I f-f-f-fellllllt...felt-felt... .l-like I was d-dr-drown-drown-dr-"

"Drowning," he supplied for me. I nodded. 

"I panicked, I guess...I don't know...the next thing I knew you were lifting me from the tub."

"How long were you in there?" He asked frowning, his mind replaying the scene he had walked in on.

"I don't know." And I didn't. It felt like I had been in there for years.

"Was the water hot when you got in?" His fingers began running through my hair and I felt myself begin to relax. I nodded.

"Then you were in there for a while. The water was freezing when I shut it off."

I moved closer to him and he threw the blanket around himself so that the only barrier between us was his clothing, and I burrowed into him, desperate for the protection his embrace offered.

"I've got you, mon bonheur," he whispered into my ear, his head resting atop mine.

"Don't let me go, Mykel." The plea was just that. I never wanted him to let me go. It sounded weak and pathetic to even my own ears but in that moment I did not care. I needed him and I needed him to know.

"I'll never let you go, Mattie."

That mending pain hit me again at his words and my arms tightened around him. "Promise?"

"I swear it, love. You've got me. You'll be hard pressed to get rid of me now." I smiled for the first time really since reading his note as I drank my coffee earlier that morning, an event that felt like a week ago.

"I don't wanna get rid of you." Never had truer words been spoken. I wanted him always with me. To return to me at night. To wake up with in the morning.

I knew we would each have our battles as time passed, and things would not always come as easy as others...but my heart leapt as the promise of a future was laid out before me. A future with him. With the promise of love at long last.