Three Little Birds

Wednesday Pt. 2

"It's not your fault, Mykel. And from what I gathered, he didn't blame you, either. He blamed himself. I understand his mindset...growing up abused it's all your fault whether it's your fault or not. He just snapped."

"But...if I hadn't had left..." He started before hanging his head.

The look in his eyes as he looked at me at that moment was an absolute raw pain. Raw pain and buried guilt and those honey-wheat eyes were dark as molasses. The tears that now seemed to be slowly trekking down his face reminded me of sap being pulled from the trees to make syrup. They fell slowly, almost as if they were attempting to defy gravity, and while the battle was a fierce one, gravity still won the war.

"Can I ask you something?" He nodded and sighed and wiped his eyes.

"You walk a lot, right? When you get upset, I mean."

"Yeah." He shrugged as he scraped his hands up and down his face. "Since I was a kid. I have anger issues and my dad's friend told me to walk or run when I get angry. It's how I control it. Be it anger and depression or, or, or..." He twisted his wrist around and around gesticulating as he spoke.

"And Kaiden knew this?" Liz had already told me he walks when in a heightened state of emotion and that Kaiden not only had known but had accompanied him on said walks, but my knowledge wasn't the point.

He nodded. "Yeah. He knew. He'd gone with me countless times. But I shouldn't have left anyway. I should have just dealt with it. I should have..." He paused and took a breath. "We'd gotten into an argument several months before all this happened. He wanted me to stop walking out during the arguments. That if I needed to calm down, we could pause in what we were saying and calm down together. Smoke or something. And then try and calmly sort it all out.

"We had agreed and I had been doing okay with it. Sometimes when I really needed to walk he would come with me and we'd talk it out on the walk. I knew that he was upset about his dad...he hated his father, but he still needed his approval. He was going to end it. When he said that I..." He laughed without humor, a dry, sad, and regretful laugh that tore at every shred of humanity in my person.

"I felt my world begin to collapse, and I swear the walls started closing in. I had to get out of there. I couldn't listen to him tell me he was leaving me after eight years because of that son-of-a-b***h. I couldn't listen to him tell me he loved me but couldn't be with me anymore because of someone he hated. I couldn't, I couldn't do it."

At this moment I moved to the bed, catching him as he curled in on himself and pulling him toward me. He wrapped his arms around me as he finally broke.

I had a feeling he had never told Liz Kaiden was going to leave him. I had a feeling he had kept that to himself all this time and he could no longer. I said nothing as I held him. Words were not needed at this moment, only the physical comfort of my arms around him. 

It was sometime before he sat up again, not breaking the bubble we had created even after the tears had ceased.

He smiled shyly, a look I had yet to see on his face. Almost apologetic. A bit embarrassed at the display of emotion. He does not handle emotions, or the displaying of them in front of people, very well. 

"Mattie..."

His voice was distant, far away in a past that still haunted him. I looked over, his eyes downcast and staring at the floor.

"Hm?" I could feel his body heat warming my skin. The smallest of brushes of our shoulders made me want to melt.

"Promise me that you won't ever do that."

I smiled halfway and kissed the top of his shoulder. "That isn't something you ever have to worry about from me, Mykel."

He nodded. "I miss him."

"I know." I kissed his temple on impulse and he smiled. A small upturn of the lips, but I was glad of it.

"Have you eaten at all today?" He sighed and shook his head looking at the plate with disdain.

"No."

"You should really try eating something. Please." I watched him as he sighed again and reached for the plate.

Wednesday morning found me alone as I cracked my eyes open to the day. Mykel had fallen asleep after eating, with his arms wrapped around me, his head on my chest.

He had asked me not to leave, sleepily tightening his grip around me. I combed my fingers through his hair and watched him relax as he fell asleep.

I laid with him like that for hours. Running my fingers through his hair, chasing away nightmares as they appeared on his face.

In the quiet times between bad dreams, I took the time to look at him unguarded. His long lashes brushed against his cheeks as his eyes danced back and forth in REM sleep.

His hair was silky and his skin soft under my fingertips as I traced invisible patterns along his arm. He frowned and mumbled in his sleep. 

I closed my eyes as he tightened his grip around me. His hold did not hurt. Not physically, anyway. I kissed the top of his head and breathed him in. Before I realized it my cheeks were wet, and I sighed.

My heart clenched as a voice began to whisper. That voice. Her voice. It cripples me to this day. Appearing out of nowhere and reducing me to a pile of quivering tears.

You're just a convenient replacement. A little w***e to warm his d**k in until someone better comes along. You'll never be better than what we taught you to be. You'll never be good enough for him.

I wrapped my arms around his upper arm that encircled me and pressed my face against his shoulder. I could do nothing but cling to his sleeping form as that voice plagued my thoughts. At some point, I fell into a restless sleep.

I felt over to where Mykel had been sleeping, dismayed almost, to find the sheets cold. I made my way downstairs. The house was dark and quiet and I wondered if anyone else was home.

I peeked out of the window in the living room. Mykel's car was gone. Liz's Trans Am, a canary yellow beauty, was still in its customary spot. I frowned and listened. Silence. Maybe she went with him.

There was a pot of fresh coffee, hot and waiting in the kitchen, and I happily poured myself an exceptionally large cup. I added a bit of sugar to bolden up the taste and stepped out onto the back porch.

I made my way to the porch swing, a favored place of mine here, where I found Liz. I studied her face as I sat down. I knew she'd been crying by the evidence of reddened eyes and puffy cheeks. She sniffled.

"Hi," I said with a soft, unsure smile.

"Hey." Her voice was thick with tears unshed.

"Where's Mykel? I thought you'd left together." I asked, sipping my cup.

She shrugged and laughed bitterly. "f**k if I know. He always disappears today. I don't know where he goes. Or what he does."

I nodded having no idea what to say. I hid my awkwardness behind my cup of coffee.

"What happened last night?" She hadn't looked at me yet.

I frowned. "What?"

"When you brought him dinner. What happened?" Her voice was impatient and I found myself keeping back any panic. Reminding myself today is a hard day.

She continued. "Before he left this morning he seemed...more upset than usual. He was more tense, more...mean."

"Mean?" I frowned, slightly confused.

"Yeah. He just snapped out on me for no f*****g reason. He was all hyped up and barreling through the house and here I am, trying to be sensitive and what the f**k ever cause this is a shitfuckingtastic day, and he wants to be all 'well why does it matter? What the f**k business is it of yours where I'm going? Why you gotta be up my a*s about s**t. I'm just f*****g leaving.' 

"And wants to storm out. All cause I said, 'good morning, where you headed off to so early?' Well, good f*****g morning to you too, sorry I f*****g inquired."

I listened to her rant, her anger and hurt showing through in her words and posture. She wiped her cheeks and took a sip of her cup, making a face of disgust at the cold temperature of her once-hot coffee.

I offered her my cup with a small smile, which she accepted in return, her own small smile gracing her beautiful features.

"Sorry," she said, "I didn't mean to freak out on you."

"Don't worry about it. How many times over the years have I freaked out on you? So many times that you know what it looks like before it happens...I think the occasional freak-out on your part is acceptable."

She smiled gratefully at me but was still expectant of my answer.

I felt suddenly trapped between Mykel and Liz. Mykel had confided in me secrets he had never before spoken aloud. He had made it a point to say that he had never told his sister about the letter, or the fact that Kaiden was going to leave.

Liz, on the other hand, was the only family I had for years before mine and Mykel's introduction just only six weeks ago.

Her obvious fear and worry for her little brother made guilt flare through my chest at keeping silent.

"We just talked," I answered her, eyes sightlessly staring into my cup.