Three Little Birds

The Conversation Pt. 1

Mykel shut the back door behind him and made his way slowly across the kitchen. The trepidation he felt the nearer he drew to his sister's bedroom door was paramount and nerve-wracking.

He paused outside her door, fist poised to knock, but lowered his hand without a sound. He sighed and finally knocked, pushing forth all his courage to face Liz's wrath. Having more than once been on the receiving side of her anger, it was not something he was particularly looking forward to.

She opened the door looking tired and disheveled, her heart broken freshly as one secret came out, and another was on the tip of confession.

He could tell from her posture and her curt 'what' that told him he was still on her s**t list. Her eyes were dry, but her cheeks were still a bit puffy, indicating that she had stopped crying within the hour.

"Can I come in?" His throat was already closing at the apprehension he felt at the conversation that awaited him. Liz studied him for a moment as she contemplated slamming the door in his face before backing up and allowing him entrance.

He sat heavily on her plush bed, kicked his shoes off, and slid to the center. He stared at his folded hands, his weight shifting slightly as she joined him. Her leg rested over his knee, the physical contact bringing him comfort. 

He heard the back door open and close, dishes clang in the sink as Mattie cleaned their dishes before heading upstairs. He did not pause as he passed Liz's room.

He started speaking as Mattie's door clicked softly into its place.

"Liz, I...I'm sorry. I had no right to go off on you like that." He swallowed trying to keep a reign on his emotions. "There's, uh...something that I...haven't been...that I've kept from you." He closed his eyes as he felt them begin to fill. He was not someone who cried often or frivolously, but when it came to this particular subject, he could not hold back despite his best efforts. 

He looked at her then, his eyes bright and reflecting the soft light that drowns the room in ambiance.

"He left a note." Gingerly he pulled the note from his pocket and handed it to her. "I'm sorry I never told you."

Liz looked at the note in her hands, folded, and felt her own tears surface. "Mykel, I don't have to read this." 

She attempted to hand it back but he stopped her and shook his head. "Read it, Lizzy."

Carefully she unfolded Kaiden's last thoughts, her eyes scanning line after line, tears free falling, unnoticed down her face. She said nothing when she was finished reading it, simply folded it neatly back, and handed it to Mykel.

"I'm sorry I kept it from you all this time. I just couldn't..." He shook his head, slightly shrugging.

"Certainly explains some things. Mykel, I really don't think he blamed you. I think he blamed himself and you leaving that night was an opportunity."

Mykel nodded noncommittally to her statement. "There's more, Liz. Kaiden...he was going to leave me." The mere utterance of those words out loud felt like a stab to the soul. He bit down hard on his lip.

"He what?" Her heart broke all over again at the look on her brother's face. She closed her eyes and shook her head slowly, not understanding why Kaiden would ever consider something to that extreme.

Mykel nodded. A tear fell from his eye, landing on his interlaced fingers, slipping in the crevices his hands created.

"He was going to leave me. That's why I left that night. He told me his father was making him. I was furious...I told him he was grown, he didn't need Daddy's permission to love me."

His voice was full of pain and bitterness and anger. His grip around his hands tightened, halting the blood flow to his fingers.

"I begged him not to leave me, Liz. I pleaded with him. We were both crying. I hugged him and he told me he loved me. That he always had. And h-he kissed me. And then he told me he had to leave and I...couldn't stay there, I couldn't stay...I couldn't stand by and watch him pack up his life with me and leave because of someone he hated.

"I couldn't watch him leave me after he told me he loved me." He looked at Liz, his face pained and despairing. "Did I kill him, Lizzy? Did I kill him?"

"God, baby, no." Liz pulled him to her chest, wrapping her arms around him as his wound around her. They held each other and mourned, as if for the first time, over the loss of such a beloved young man.

"I feel like I killed him, Liz. I feel like the whole thing is my fault. If-if-if I had just have kept my mouth shut back then when I first told him I loved him.

"Or if I had been more sensitive or something, some f*****g thing to make it better...but I just...left him...and then he left me anyway." Anything else he might have said was drowned out by the flood of tears that burst forth. "I didn't mean to kill him, Lizzy. I didn't mean to." His sobs increased and he hid his face against her side, the guilt and self-hatred no longer able to be contained.

Once he had calmed down, Liz pushed him gently back so she could look into his eyes. Gently she thumbed away any moister left and cupped his cheeks in her hands as if he were a child who needed consoling.

"Mykee, you did not kill him." She thumbed away more tears as they fell from her words. "I know the guilt is immense, and the trauma of finding him will always be there, but, sweetheart, you did not kill him. 

"He was hurt, and lost, and scared. That wasn't your fault, Mykee." She smiled in remembrance and sniffled, wiping her own eyes. "He told me once that you and I were the only real family he ever felt he had. He told me then that if anything should ever happen to him that it wasn't because of us. He was only happy when he was with one or both of us."

Mykel frowned at the undertones of what Kaiden had said so long ago. "How old were we when he told you this?"

"Oh...probably fifteen, or sixteen. It wasn't too much before he told us about his parents beating him."

Mykel nodded, thinking back to the last decade. "Had you ever had to talk him down before?"

She nodded. "Yeah, a couple times. Once when he was twelve...that summer you stayed at Grams...Mom and Dad weren't home and he came over. He was in tears and I just held him. He kept saying he should just die, that it would be better if he wasn't here anymore. I talked him down then. And once when he was older." Her voice was soft and she did not look at him as she spoke. 

"I had to also. When we were nine was the first time. The second time I came over, unannounced...I just had a weird feeling...and walked in on him about to slice his wrist. He had a kitchen knife.

"There were other times, too."

Liz grabbed his hands gently in hers, causing him to look into her eyes. "I love you, Mykel. Please don't ever do something like that. I worry about you sometimes." She paused before, "Mykel, when are you going to let yourself be happy again? When are you going to allow yourself to love again? To be loved again..."

He shrugged and shook his head, breaking eye contact. "I...I'm scared, Lizzy. What if he thinks I'm betraying him? That I don't love him as much as I do...? I promised him that I'd only ever love him."

"Mykel, baby, you can't stop living because of a promise you made back then to someone who isn't here anymore. You deserve to live, Mykel, and his death, and your guilt over it...I'm watching it slowly destroy you.

"And I've never known how to say anything because you're so closed off on the subject, but Mykel, I'm scared. I don't want to lose you, too."

Mykel was silent for many moments contemplating her words and her own confessed fears. "Liz...no matter what happens, I swear I'll never kill myself. Liz?"

"Hm?"

He sniffled and wiped his face. "What if he leaves me, too?"

"Who? Mattie?"

He nodded slightly and looked away. "I'm scared to fall in love with him. I'm scared that I'll lose him...in one way or another. I'm scared that I'm betraying Kaiden's memory, what we had together. What if he's...what if he gets mad at me that I've fallen for someone else?"

Liz kissed Mykel's forehead and looked deeply into his eyes. "Mykee, let me ask you something..." He nodded when she paused. "Kaiden loved you, didn't he?"

He nodded again. "Yeah, he did." He covered his face with his hands and took a deep breath before dropping them again.

"Don't you think that he would want you to be happy? Don't you think he wants you to find someone to love? I mean...isn't that what he said?"