Three Little Birds

Exposure Pt. 4

He smiled again, though lighter, not reaching his eyes. "When I was a kid I had this book. I saw a program where they were doing a documentary about her and in it, they recited some of her poems. I fell in love with her work. It...touched me somehow.

"I would sit and read it over and over again. There was a tree that provided a lot of shade in the play yard. I'd sit and read it there while the other kids played sports.

"That's how I met Kaiden, actually. I was reading it and some older kids started picking on me for it. I was small for my age. I didn't hit a decent growth spurt until I was about sixteen. Anyway, they grabbed my book from me and started making fun of me and it as they shredded it. Kaiden came, being the martial artist that he was, even in third grade...he, uh, came to my rescue. He gathered all the pages that were strewn across the ground and took me to the nurse to get cleaned up.

"On my next birthday, he bought me a new one."

"Do you still have it?" I asked him softly. He shook his head.

"No. I buried it with him. I wanted him to have a...piece of me. He, uh...didn't like sleeping alone." He was silent for a moment before he looked at me; his eyes shining now but tears unshed. "Thank you, mon bonheur. You really have no idea what this means to me."

I smiled brightly. "When I saw it, I knew it was for you."

He closed the book with a soft hand and placed it on my nightstand before he looked at me again. The look in his eyes and upon his face was difficult to read before he slowly leaned forward as if waiting for me to stop him before he gently touched his lips to mine.Liz did not say anything for a long time. She rolled six blunts, one after another before she finally lit one. She hit it several times before exhaling in a sigh. She stared in the direction Mykel had run.

"Can I ask what happened?" 

She listened with alacrity as I explained what happened, leaving out the details of what I had told him.

"...then he ran out of the room." 

She nodded. "Kaiden was Mykel's best friend. They grew up together. He was always a shy kid, but very sweet. He was a lot like you. When they were fourteen they began dating. I knew and so did our parents, but that was it."

I smiled sadly at the thought of young Mykel, happy and carefree with his first love. I frowned as I waited for what was to come, as I knew the story did not have a happy ending.

"We found out later," she went on as she watched for her brother to come back, "that his father gave way to sudden bouts of extreme rage. He wasn't a drunk or anything like that, he just...was an angry man.

"Since he was little Kaiden always followed me around. Wanted my attention. He was such a sweet baby, I gave it to him. He became like another little brother to guide." Her voice became shaky here as she got to the hard part of the story.

"When they were twenty-two, Kaiden decided it was time to tell his father the truth. Well, he went into a rage and attacked him. Mykel was there and pulled him off, but...the damage was done. He disowned him and that was that."

She took a long drag off the blunt, tilting her head back as she breathed in. She looked at me, her eyes sorrowful.

"About...three weeks later is when they got into an argument. When he gets overwhelmed Mykel walks. He always has, that's what he does. Kaiden had even accompanied him several times throughout their childhood to calm him down." She shook her head sadly and wiped her eyes.

"Kaiden didn't...I don't know...stop to consider that trait, I guess...but...no one will ever know for sure...he killed himself while Mykel was gone. He hanged himself in their living room."

My heart broke for Mykel. My soul ached for Kaiden.

"There was no note. No...anything. Mykel found him when he came home. He's the one that cut him down.

"I made him come live with me then. Our parents didn't know what to do. When he tried to OD on an opiate I brought him here. Mykel...hasn't ever really gotten over what happened. He blames himself.

"The first day he met you was the first day in years where his smile wasn't attached to tears behind it."

I shook my head wanting to dispel her words. 

You know you're not good enough for him. He needs a real man. Not some sniveling, little w***e.

Each word was a stab to my core. I felt a hand touch my shoulder. I jumped and avoided her gaze as shame filled me.

"Oh, Mattie. I wouldn't ever hurt you, baby." She drew me close to her and flexed her fingers through my hair.

"Liz?"

"Hm?"

"I..." I wrapped my arm around her waist and gripped onto her coat, my face buried in her side.

"When I ran away from home I...was...I was...a..." I swallowed sharply. It was so much harder with her. The fear of her sending me away was crippling.

"I sold myself. I s-sold my body to m-men." I curled up further into her, clinging desperately. My cries increased when I felt her hold me closer, tighter.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I didn't want to. I didn't..."

She began rocking us, her arms wrapped around me. She kissed the top of my head and continued playing with my hair.

"Sh, baby, it's okay now. It's okay, Mattie, I've got you. You're not there anymore, baby. You don't ever have to go back. I love you, Mattie, baby, okay? What happened back then won't change that." She continued whispering in my hair until I eventually calmed down and sat up. "Okay now?" I nodded, but I couldn't bring myself to look at her.

"I'm sorry."

To say that I am or was simply embarrassed by my past is an understatement. That not quite three-year period of my life is not something I look back on with happy reverence. Honestly, I try not to look back at all; though I must add that Mykel, nor Liz for that matter, don't let me run from it.

"What are you sorry for?" she asked gently. Her arm dropped around my shoulders squeezing me. I shrugged.

"I..." I shrugged again.

"Mattie, listen," she began, "we've all done things we're not proud of. And, my love, there are people out there who will judge you and heckle you if they knew. Sad as it is. You don't have to worry about that here. You're home here. You can be at home here. Your secrets are safe with us, love."

I sat there for a long moment before I finally nodded and looked up. She smiled and wiped my cheeks with her knuckle before looking out into the expanse of the yard.

"I expected him to have come back by now," she said lowly, almost as if to herself.

"I didn't mean to upset him," I said feeling terribly guilty.

"He needs closure. He avoids the subject and the wound can't begin to heal. It just festers. Maybe you can help him. He won't let me near that area."

I nodded as I wondered what I could possibly do to help. She grabbed the remaining four blunts and stood.

"We should go find him." She turned and walked down a step but then turned back to me. "The anniversary of Kaiden's death is next Wednesday. This isn't ever a good time for him. Do me a favor, yeah?"

I nodded. "Anything."

"Be...easy with him. He's a lot more fragile than he lets on."

When we finally found him it was almost fifteen minutes later. He was sitting against a tree, his view hidden from the house. We each sat on either side of him. 

The crickets performed a beautiful nightly symphony just for us. None of us spoke, enraptured by the beauty of the night. In our silence I gazed out into the distance, the moonlight silhouetting the mountains. 

When Liz lit the second of the four blunts Mykel looked at me for the first time. "I'm sorry I ran out on you. I shouldn't have."

I accepted the blunt from him with a small smile. "No worries, okay?"

"We used to sit out here for hours..." I thought he would say more but he kept quiet. After a while, he looked to his sister, the pain in his voice no doubt reflecting in his eyes.

"I miss him, Liz."

She nodded, smiling sadly. "I know. I miss him, too, honey. He was a great guy."

"It never gets easier. Everyone says it gets easier. Every year it feels..." He paused, covering his eyes with his hand. "f**k, Liz, I'm still walking into that room and finding him there. Every day it's constantly ripping my f*****g heart out and I just..." He paused, his hand dropping. 

"How long am I going to be punished for failing him? I'm sorry. I didn't know he was going to do that. I don't even know where he got the f*****g rope...I didn't think the argument was that bad." He scoffed. "I go over this s**t every year. Every month, every week, every day and it's driving me insane, Liz. Every time I see a reminder of him. Somewhere we went. Sitting here..."

He rambled and I thought perhaps he had forgotten that I was there. He still passed me the blunts, but as he spoke he didn't look at me. Maybe he couldn't look at me. I also knew there was more to his guilt this year than the previous.

Me.