Becoming A Gays obession

Chapter II

Sunday came after church uwi sa bahay then gawa lesson plan, aralin, din yun wala ng gagawin. Nakahiga lang ako sa kama at tinititigan ang phone ko na magring sana.

Please Anna tawagan mo naman ako!

Nababaliw na ata ako sa kakaisip kung bakit hindi pa siya tumatawag o baka hindi na lang talaga ako nasanay na hindi na sya gaanong tumatawag. Usually every sunday she would call pero ngayon kahit text ay wala.

“Ten seconds pag di kapa tumawag ako na tatawag”, sabi ko habang tititigan ang cellphone ko.

“10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1,0”, naiinis na ako.

Bakit hindi parin siya tumatawag?

Napatingin nalang ako sa kisame. I should probably start to gett used to it, lalo at gragraduate na ito. Onces she finds a work magiging less na ang time nito sa sarili.

“He was my first love and I’m still in love with him for five years”

Naalala ko nanaman yung kahapong sinabi niya. Right now I’m beginning to suspect myself. I know we're just friends but why do I have these feelings. I’m her friends kaya dapat suportahan ko love life niya.

Well, I’ve been supporting her in many things but love? Bakit parang ang hirap?

Hindi kaya nagkakagusto na ako sa kaibigan ko? With that thought my heart skip beat. Pero bakla ako, I like boys for Christ sake or maybe it’s just an instinct as a friend? For two years of our friendship nasanay na ako na kaming dalawa lang palagi. Malayo ang mama niya pati rin sa akin. Ang kapatid niya sa ibang bansa naga-aral and she just stay here at Puerto para malapit sa mama niya.

Maybe it’s only common for a friend to feel like this.

“He was my first love and I’m still in love with him for five years”.

Nagrereplay na naman yung sinabi niya sa utak ko. Napahawak ako sa dibdib ko. Every time I remember what she saids either sumisikip dibdib ko o di naman kaya ay nanghihina ako o nawawalan ng gana.

One hour came usually around one tinatawagan na ako ng babaeng yun. Bakit wala pa kaya? Or maybe ako nalang tatawag sa kanya.

I called her and her cellphone rang.

“Hello?”, sagot sa kabilang linya.

“Hi, bakit hindi tumatawag? Nakalimutan mo naba ako?”, tanong ko rito na may halong tampo.

“Sorry ditto kasi ako ngayon PSU sa Performing Arts Center”

“Bakit diyan ka linggo ngayon hah at saka wala Karin OJT ngayon sa pagkakatanda ko”, bago pa man niya ako sagutin may narinig akong pamilyar na boses sa kabilang linya.

“Anna pweding ikaw nalang magorganize ng exhibit sa student ko sa senior high?”, it’s him. Her tearcher in Art. Ano nga name niya?

“Okey po sir, no problem”.

No problem?

No problem…..?

Ano to under pressure?

Ang dami niya ng schedule. Sa isang linggo para na ngang limang oras nalang tulog niya.

Mahal niya eh!

Stupid mind….F###

“Sorry may tinanong kasi teacher ko, yung sa tanong mo pala nagpresenta kasi ako kay sir na tutlong ako sa Art club nila”.

“Kaya mo ako nakalimutang tawagan?”.

“Sorry, sige may gagawin pa kasi ako”, may sasabihin pa sana ako pero pinatay niya na ang linya.

Anna POV

“Anna thank you very much”, pasasalamat sa akin ni Sir Allen.

Finally, he smiles at me. Lagi naman siyang nakangiti sa mga students niya. We were having a stage decoration for the Art exhibit para sa mga college. I know I have a lot of to-do lists on my schedule but I don’t want to miss this opportunity to be with him.

Gamit ang upuan dinikit ko ang mga rose paper sa gilid. Hindi ko maiwasang tumingin sa kanya paminsan-minsan. Buti nalang hindi niya pa ako nahuhuling nakatingin sa kanya. Kausap nito ang mga first year students niya. Nagseselos ako sa kanila, he gave his attention to his students kung pwedi nga lang maging students niya ako ulit pero iba na ang league ko.

I was a first year student when I fall in love with him. Hindi ko nga alam kung bakit basta isang araw siya na lagi ang hinahanap ko.

Hapon na ng matapus naming ang stage decoration, nililigpit ko nalang ang ibang kalat na hindi ko na Malayan kaming dalawa na lang palaang natitira.

“Anna hayaan mo nayan mga students ko nalang ang dadamput niyan bukas uwi na tayo”, pigil sa akin ni Sir Allen.

“Sabay ka na sa akin, saan k aba umuuwi?”, tanong niya sa akin. Oo nga pala may kotse siya.

“Kung okey lang sayo sir sa SM nalang po sana niyo ako ibaba, may bibilhin po kasi ako doon”, sagot ko pero sa totoo narinig ang usapan nila ng mga students niya. Pupunta siya ng sm para immeet si Sir Noel at Sir Arzaga.

“Tamang-tama pa punta din ako don”, sumunod ako sa kanya.

Habang nasa biyahe hindi ko talaga maiwasan na sulyap-sulyapan siya. At the same time I felt uncomfortable na siya namang napansin ni Sir Allen.

“You don’t need to feel uncomfortable with me Anna, parang hindi kita naging studyante”, tama nga naman siya pero kung alam niya lang kung gaano kalakas t***k ng puso ko ngayon.

“Sorry po, hind lang po kasi ako sanay na nakikisabay”, paliwanag ko rito.

“Ganon ba? Siya nga pala anong plano mo after graduation? Mayroon kasing open position para sa art teacher and since you got recognized as one of the senior artists I was thinking na baka gusto mo magturo, you could also teach in Human Resources Management since yun yung course mo”, another opportunity to be with him. I have been blessed.

“I think about it sir”, pahard to get mo na ako pero gusto kung sabihing pweding pwedi sir. In this way magiging malapit ako sa kanya and who knows baka maagaw ko pa siya.

“Mabuti pa nga”. From then we stay silents along the way.

Pinark niya lang ang kotse sa parking lot ng sm bago kami bumaba.

“Ano palang balak mo sa sm?”, tanong niya sa akin.

“Bookstore”, sagot ko naman. Sa totoo lang yun lang ang naisipang kung reason.

“Kumain muna kayo tayo and don’t worry libre ko, wala pa naman ata mga asungot nay un”, aya nito.

You don’t know how much I want to say yes.

“Nakakahiya sir”, pahiya-hiya tayo kunti.

Bigla nalang hinila niya ang kamay ko papuntang Inasal. Sana bumagal ang oras ang lambot ng kamay niya. Hindi ko na huhugasan kamay ko.

“So anong gusto mo?”, well sa totoo lang may part akong nahihiya lalo na pag may ng libre sa akin tapus tatanungin kung anong gusto mo.

“Palabok na lang po”, sagot ko.

“Dalawang palabok with Lumpia tapus isang Inasal”, order ni sir bago kinuha ang number namin. Naupo na kaagad kami sa maramihan dahil may hihintay rin si sir.

“So Anna ano pa ba ng iba mo pang tinatagong talinto?”, tanong sa akin ni sir.

“Dancing and singing”, sagot ko rito.

“Bakit hindi ka sumali sa PSU quire nong first year ka?”, isang tanong na hindi ko kayang basta-basta. Bumaba ang tingin ko sa mga kamay sa lamesa. Madaling tanung, mahirap sagutin. Napansin ata ni sir na nagaalingan ako. Buti nalang dumating na ang inorder naming at saka nagsimula na kami kumain.

Gabi ng nakauwi ako, malapit lang naman ang apartment ko sa sm kaya di na ako nagpahatid kahit gusto ko. Matapus kung magayus ng sarili tiningnan ko ang phone ko.

50 txt from D

4 txt from mama

10 calls from D

I forgot that I had silent my phone. I text my mother a good night before I off my phone and charge it. I didn’t bother to text D back.

Four years ago….

Like every first-year student in college may takot at the same time excitement kang nararamdaman but for some reason, I felt nothing. Maybe because I only follow the rules that my mother gave me. I’m a first child, my dad died when I was ten leaving me and my mother behind. Five years after that she found a loving partner. They have a son named Zach. Now his four years old.

I spend most of my childhood in perfection, a child who always follow rules, a child that obeys what the elders said. Even my dream is controlled. My mother failed on everything that’s why she put everything that would make me perfect. She had two brothers and one sister, my mother is the youngest. All of them is either professional doctor, lawyers or accountants. My mom she undergraduate. She was the fourth year when she got pregnant.

Every day when I was a child is torture. Whenever I see my cousin play outside when were having a family gatherings I always stay inside grandmother's library, reading encyclopedias, cultures, and languages.

I created my own world where I have friends. Later on, I start to write stories, make paintings, and craft.

Later I start talking to myself. My mom discovers it and warn me to stop everything that I do without her permission. I remember her warning that she would put me in asylum. I don’t want that. I want to stay by her side.

She created me to become a perfect person but I’m not perfect.

No one is perfect.

I want to choose what my heart desire but my life is already planned by somoene and there’s nothing that I can do.

Until I meet sir Allen.

It becomes my habit whenever I did a mistake I immediately say sorry even though I know it’s a simple mistake. It was that time when I got a mistake in reporting the ancient art of the Philippines. I immediately say sorry to sir Allen but instead, he scolds me for saying sorry.

“Next time try to defend your report when you know you have a reason instead of saying sorry for just a simple mistake”

His words never left my mind until I started to develop a feeling for him.