Heartbeat of Deceit: A Love Meant to Break Me

Before, I thought that life was simple, not in the "easy" way, though, but in an "orderly" way. Things fit together like a puzzle that you can see, touch, and feel. You go to work, eat, and love the people around you. At least that's what I thought would make me happy. Not knowing I have been living in a glass bubble, until it broke on my third wedding anniversary. My husband Victor was always there for me. That's what I thought, anyway. I believed in fairy tales because of the way he was sweet to me. Because of the way he looked at me, I felt like I was the only thing that was important to him. But I never imagined that maybe I wasn't the one he loved. Not me, but my heartbeat. No wonder, anytime I asked him, "What do you love the most about me?" He usually says "your heartbeat". It all came crashing down at the party. When we celebrated three years of what seemed like perfection, we had a party. As the music played in the background, everyone smiled and clinked their glasses. It was like the music was playing over and over again in our lives. That night, though, I was being watched. The eyes that were on me were not lovely. I wasn't aware of it yet, but I was being watched for the wrong reasons. Victor got up right after we were done cutting the cake. He didn't say anything sweet or normal like I thought he would. When his voice broke through the air, the room went silent. When he spoke, his voice was flat and far away. "I married you because I thought Lena's heart was beating inside you." "But I was wrong, and I made things worse." Please forgive me." He looked like he was no longer looking at me. He had his eyes on something far away from me. After a terrible, stifling pause, he said, "I've finally found the real heart." And just like that, he introduced Isabella, another woman, to the crowd. He even added, "Lena's heart is the heart I've wanted my whole life. Let's end this marriage." The words hit like rocks in a dark, bottomless pit. My chest got tight as I looked at Victor. It became hard to see everything around me. The music, the laughs, and the guests' chatter all turned into a low hum. I was having a hard time breathing. I wasn't sure if his words hurt more or the fact that I could see him now. It was like when someone finally sees cracks in the foundation that they had been denying existed for years. I didn't look at anyone else in the room. I was unable to. Too numb, too lost, and too ashamed. Was that a mean joke? It had to be true. But I knew it wasn't because of the way he looked at me. "Victor... what are you saying?" I was able to speak, but my voice was shaking. "What does Lena have to do with this?" He felt a little less angry in his eyes and then let out a sigh. "Amelia, I loved her. I had a lot of love for Lena. I thought her heart would live on in you after she died. I believed I was still with her. You're not Lena, though. You're not her. You're just...just someone who carries her heart." The room turned around. I had to hold on to the back of a chair to stay standing after my legs gave out. The air made me feel like I couldn't breathe. How could he say that? He thought I was someone else, so how could he love me? That I carried a love that wasn't even mine? In those few words, he turned the years of our marriage, all the happy times, and all the memories into lies. I said, "I—I don't understand," but my voice was shaking. "How come you didn't tell me this?" "How could you—" He cut her off, "I didn't know how," his voice flat and dead. "I didn't know what to say." I've finally found the love I've been looking for. "Sorry, Amelia." Those words crushed me, and I ran away before I could say anything else. I ran out of the room and into the cold night, past our worried guests as I ran down the hall. It felt like the whole world was crying out for me because it started to rain. I didn't stop. I had to keep going. I had to leave him alone. I had to leave this nightmare he had put me in. --- I have no idea where I went after that; all I know is that I locked myself in my room, alone with my thoughts and a strong feeling of betrayal. There was someone else's heart beating in my chest while my hands were shaking. It was someone else's heart. Love from someone else. The memory of someone else. I could hear Victor's words over and over in my head. "I thought Lena's heart was inside of you." Even though I made fists with my hands, all I could feel was Lena and not myself. I lay in bed and looked up at the ceiling, trying to figure out what was going on. Had I been someone else the whole time? Did he love me, or was I just a stand-in for the woman he would never forget? What did that make me? A woman whose life was based on someone else's hopes and dreams? There was no sound in my room at all. It felt like everything that made me who I was had been taken away, leaving me hollow. It wasn't true that I loved him or knew him. But deep down, something started to move inside me. I wasn't just a pawn for someone else's love story; I was more than that. I would write my own story. I would start over. I wasn't sure how to begin, but I did know this: I wasn't going to let him decide who I was. Not any longer.