Borderlanders

One Bettina had been dreaming of cold bodies in a dead Russian forest. As she woke up gently, the chill air of pre-dawn helped her count the bodies into wakefulness. Her anti-sheep. It wasn’t a dream: it was a memory. Something her mother had done during the Cold War. Something Bettina could not possibly know anything about. This morning, it was her mind’s reminder that she was about to ride into the unknown. Breakfast would be a cold bowl of cereal in this dreary motel room in country Victoria. In an hour she would follow the instructions from her mother’s will and finally scatter the ashes. In a few more hours, she’d be at a retreat in the home of the Great Potato. Her mother would not influence her art. Not this time. This was the day she made her art her own. One in three of her dreams was accurate. She hoped that this one was one of those that was simply a dream; she didn’t want to meet the eight bodies from her mother’s past. The drive was entirely uneventful until lunchtime. Lunch was a cheese and tomato toastie at a Laminex-lined bakery in a random small town. Bettina didn’t want to notice names. As long as her GPS found the destination, she’d be fine. For her mother, life had been adventure. Her mother had set her up for adventure one last time, and it was adventure Bettina didn’t want. Still, she found herself chatting with the café owner, a woman her own age who had somehow kept her waist under control despite the cakes that surrounded her. “On your way somewhere interesting?” asked the bakery owner, whose name was, unaccountably, Sheila. “Robertson, eventually,” Bettina explained. “I’m going to scatter my mother’s ashes on the way. Before my art retreat.” Of course, Sheila wanted to chat about the unspeakable. “You’re going all that way to scatter ashes? That’s nice of you.” “Not as much as it sounds. I’ve been putting it off. I combined it with meeting a friend and going to Robertson. That’s how I managed to make myself do this thing.” “I don’t get it.” The damn walls holding her emotions in broke and Bettina found herself drowning in a torrent of truths. “The whole family wanted a burial, but Mum wanted me to scatter her ashes. And collect something. My mother lived in her own mystic reality. I’m not cynical so much as relieved that the process of losing her is nearly over. And I don’t usually tell strangers everything. I feel as if I’ve stepped out of time.” “We do that, sometimes, don’t we? I’m in that mood, too,” said Sheila, putting two mugs of coffee onto the table. “My mother left me her pet hamster,” she volunteered, and slid into the seat opposite. “A hamster? Really?” “Mum died in a road accident. She never meant to outlive that hamster.” “Your mother sounds like quite a character.” Sheila nodded. “I’d rather have a road trip.” “I’d rather have a hamster. We could swap.” Bettina breathed a moment of hope. “Can’t. It died. Hamsters don’t live very long. Why a road trip, do you know?” “I don’t know precisely.” Bettina looked for words very carefully. Her dream was specific, after all. And so were the instructions. “But she always said to me that she was in the wrong story. She said it was important to know what story you’re in and to live the right life for the right story.” “When I was a teenager, I knew what story I was in,” Sheila admitted. “I was going to marry a lawyer and move to the city and have a flash car and no mortgage. Mills and Boon romance.” “Did any of that happen?” “I got pregnant to the lawyer, married the boy next door, divorced the boy next door, and got stuck here bringing up four kids.” “Do you regret it?” “Some. My dream wasn’t quite right, though. I should’ve wanted to be the lawyer, not marry him.” “Mum was right, then. You were in the wrong story.” “Maybe. I like the bakery. My kids are growing up okay, except for the layabout.” “Is he a charming layabout?” “How did you guess he was a boy?” “There’s a teenager who looks a bit like you who’s been making faces in the window for the last five minutes.” Sheila excused herself and chased her son back off to school, and by the time she had finished, Bettina was ready to move on. “Have a great road trip,” said Sheila. “If you come this way on the way back, tell me about it.” “Tell you the story of my story.” Bettina found this amusing. “Damn right.” And Bettina could see from Sheila’s face that, exactly like Bettina, something had gone wrong and somewhere there was a different type of story waiting for Sheila. She didn’t know if she should tell her or if it would hurt too much. Bettina decided it was safest to get into the car and drive away. So she did. My story has safe choices, she told herself. Like Melissa’s when we were kids. She never did anything daring. She drove as far as Eden, dreaming of her childhood. Bettina’s mother’s instructions contained notes about looking for a place where two rivers joined but said that Eden would do. Bettina drove until she found a likely spot. There was parking, and the lake was a mere patch of grass away. Bettina sat in her car and thought, “I don’t want to do this.” She should do it graciously, with measure and thought, for it was her mother’s ashes, but every time she planned words to say, her mind rebelled. “I don’t want to do this.” After sitting far too long in argument with herself, she clambered out of the car, walked across to the lake, scattered the ashes, and said to herself, “I can move on now.” Except she couldn’t. She still had to traipse into an office in Eden and collect the thing. Whatever the thing was. The office turned out to be the hotel. The bar, in fact. Bettina was terribly polite to the staff member who handed her the parcel, but decided she didn’t need to lunch alone in a pub. Pubs and she shared bad memories. The chippie was close, so she bought a souvlaki and took it back to the car and drove on. If she hurried, she wouldn’t keep Zelda waiting. “Today I am going to talk about liminality,” Zelda said brightly. If she didn’t say it brightly she would lose her temper. She was teaching one of the best subjects in any universe, and her students patently didn’t want to be there. They wanted to be on summer holidays, or out earning money to pay for next year’s fees, or getting drunk. Zelda’s thoughts were savage. Since the supposed love of her life had dumped her—trophy younger girlfriend, Zelda thought viciously—her natural sweetness had been unnaturally soured. But my students are innocent, she thought, of this, anyway, so she scanned the class and developed an intentionally long pause. If they were nodding over their books, she was going to make them think she had said something totally crucial, like, “One last essay due that I forgot to tell you about.” And indeed the pause was effective. She stopped thinking wild and angry thoughts and stepped up her brightness a notch. “I see that I might have to explain liminality.” Dutiful laugh. At least a laugh meant that some of them were paying attention, which meant she was bound by the Rules of Teaching to give the class her full brain again. “It is a very important part of understanding the Celtic world.” Ah, Celtic meant the Wiccan student looked up. Words acted as triggers—different words for different people. She wondered if she could find the right trigger to persuade the supposed love of her life that the best place for him was over a cliff. “It is all about borders.” And finally, her mind settled. “Woods and forests and bodies of water. Dusk and dawn and midnight. Eclipses and full moons. Places and times when the boundaries between worlds are thin. Beings from other worlds can cross to this world there and then. Only there, and only then. In the medieval tales, this is when the beautiful woman appears, beckoning the hero to join her. It is also when fears descend, because those people who are drawn into these Celtic otherworlds don’t return.” “Not ever?” said her Wiccan student. Zelda took a moment and thought it through properly. “Not often,” was her final reply. “The only figure I can think of who is really celebrated for returning is Thomas of Ercildoune.” Not a scrap of comprehension from the faces. “Ellen Kushner,” she prompted. “Thomas the Rhymer, Tam Lin.” And the class took off. She took that memory to her moon-viewing that night. Some people watched the new moon, but for Zelda, the full moon reminded her that she was a woman and a dreamer and a scholar, all neatly bound into a single, trim body. That body was bound for the outback in the morning, to meet a friend and to write. To do so very much writing. The moon tonight, however, was hers. “It’d be worse if I needed a wheelchair,” Melissa offered. Hal laughed but kept his eyes on the road. “I wish this place were closer.” “So do I,” admitted his wife. “I’ve got triplicates of all my medicines and I know one of the other retreatees. Retreaters? Anyhow, it’s in a town. And they have a phone number for you to ring if you’re worried. I’ll be okay. You know this for sure because I didn’t make a single joke in explaining it to you. Not one. Be proud of me.” “I know.” Hal’s voice wasn’t that deep, but when he was affectionate it rumbled. A cat’s voice. “And you’re capable enough. It’s just …” “I know,” Melissa whispered. Their lives were full of crises. Too many crises, too recently. She was better because of them. Because her new doctor had taken everything on board and finally given her some sort of diagnosis, with the promise of a better one, eventually. Because things were finally under control enough to live again. “I still worry,” she admitted. “I’m going to quote you as you,” Hal said evenly, not letting any aspect of the pressure he felt show in his voice. Melissa could see that pressure sing painfully throughout his body. He needed time out as much as she did. “I got lost. I found my way back because you were my guiding light. I need to take up this offer to consolidate, and to do the world’s best photo exhibition and dedicate it to you. And it has to include a joke for every year of our marriage, for we are the funniest couple in the universe.” “That was not what I was expecting you to quote at me,” Melissa observed. “Not even close.” “Too bad,” said Hal. “I like this one.” “I should stop giving you compliments.” “You should, but you mucked up that time and these compliments are mine. All very much mine.” “Yeah,” said Melissa. “No one else’s.” They were silent and comfortable together in the car. Emotionally comfortable, not physically. Not my cleverest idea, Melissa thought. The doctor was right about walking. She would hurt if she did, but hurt more if she didn’t. Moss Vale was the last place she would have to stretch everything before Robertson, so they planned to stay a bit longer there. Maybe as much as two hours. “I’d rather say my best goodbye somewhere pleasant,” admitted Hal. “And it’ll shake off the car blues. Turn them into pinks and greens.” “It’ll shake them off so damn hard I’ll be able to walk again tomorrow.” Melissa was determined. Her tone brooked no unwillingness from nature to oblige. Moss Vale had a park in the centre of town. There was a small clock tower in the middle of the main road, with a clock that not only didn’t work, but that had unreadable messages posted to its four faces. On one side of the road was the pub, and on the other, the park. “Park then pub then park, I hope,” said Hal. “Sounds good to me. We’ve got the time. I’m not expected much before dinner.” The old rotunda in the park held a couple in drifting clothes; they looked like exiles from Bellingen. This appallingly slender and floating male and female emerged from time to time to collect rubbish. Hal and Melissa only developed three theories about why they were bringing rubbish to the rotunda. “There should be a quartet inside, not dead bottles,” said Melissa. “Bach,” Hal said dreamily. “Then we can say we came back to Bach on our way home.” “Not with all that bird noise. Something fizzier. Sherbet.” “Not even classical,” half-mocked her husband, and they held hands as they took their third loop around the park. With each loop, Melissa lost pain and walked with more vigour, until now, when her hips betrayed the exhaustion. Hal had learned he could tell just as much from holding her hand and looking aslant at her as he could by asking, and he turned them off the path when it came close to the road. “Lunch for me. I need a beer.” “With Duncan. That’s who you need your beer with. Me, I need coffee,” Melissa said wistfully. “And a steak. Can I have a steak?” “If you ask nicely.” The Moss Vale pub was a classic. Both a pub and a bistro. Polished wood and much glass and mirror and canopies advertising drinks visible through every window. The couple walked through the pub section. Most of the tables were full. “I can see one right at the end,” Melissa said, “next to the fireplace.” “Good vision.” Hal approved and they veered left, still holding hands. They went left until the pub changed to a bistro and until the bistro ran out of space. Then they snagged that end table. It was too large for a couple and it was all theirs. Polished wood with no cloth. “We walked through so much brown,” Melissa marvelled. “And now we’re sitting in it. We need to find you a book about this pub.” “One without covers?” Melissa said, laughing. “Of course,” Hal said with dignity. Melissa shook her head. “What’s wrong?” “Not wrong. I think my eyes are playing tricks. Look out to your right, at the main street. Can you see two women?” “Hard to make out. Crossing the road to the park? Yes, I can see them.” “I think they’re going to the station.” “What about them?” “One of them looks like Bettina. You know, the old friend who told me about the fellowship. She might be going. But that’s not the odd bit. What’s odd,” commented Melissa, “is that it looks like she’s with Zelda, which can’t be right. We were a trio in primary school and stayed together until we were fifteen. We’re not going to magically appear in Moss Vale at the same time. We don’t even live in the same cities. It could be Bettina. If she got that fellowship. An important one, she said. Same place as me. More important fellowship, but same place. I told you about it, so don’t look so blank.” “How long since you’ve seen them?” “About twenty years since we’ve all three been in the same place. But Bettina and I talk on social media. She’s very serious. High-minded and full of sobriety.” “Well, then,” Hal said pragmatically. “They’ve changed.” “Probably just me remembering times when. And expecting to see Bettina at the retreat.” “Times when what?” “I’m not sure,” Melissa confessed. “I was going to say ‘times when I did things’, but that would be a lie. I still do things. Just with more pain and greater distraction. It’s really something I did that was quite particular and hasn’t happened since. It’s times when I had that two-friends thing that some women get into. I never needed it from the moment I met you.” “You dumped them?” Hal was puzzled. His tone and whole body said, This is not my girl. “Not ever. I’m not the dumping kind. I dump rubbish, not people.” She frowned at her joke. It hadn’t quite worked. “They went every way they could to go to uni or get work or whatever. All over Australia. We meant to stay in touch and life got in the way.” “Whatever.” Hal laughed. Melissa was relieved. She never talked about that part of her youth. Not even to Hal. Maybe she should volunteer a bit more. “We were best friends in primary school and all the way to the second year of high.” “You said that. You’ve got problems with your memory from old age. Can’t be only twenty years ago,” Hal teased. “Okay, so it’s longer. I’m a venerable bitch.” “That’s my girl.” Hal smiled intimately across at her. What led to these moments in time?