TAMING THE ALPHA

The rain beat down on the roof of my Toyota Camry. The engine was running but the car was in park. I was sitting outside my boyfriend’s house, trying to gather the courage to go in. The windshield wipers swiped away the rain, giving me a clear view of the cars parked up and down the street in front of Geoffrey’s house. The neighborhood was upscale and perfect for families. Every yard was manicured. Toys and basketball hoops in the driveways gave it the perfect all-American feel. I thought this was the perfect place to raise my daughter. Geoffrey would adopt her, and we would live happily ever after in the suburbs of New York City. “Just get out of the car, Madi. Get it over with.” I gripped the steering wheel and begged whatever deity happened to be listening for the courage and strength to do what needed to be done. I wished I could just ignore it. I wanted it to go away. I could pretend a little longer and maybe I would fall in love with him. Geoffrey had some great qualities. He was the kind of man a girl like me should be excited to have. But I wasn’t. I hadn’t been excited about him for a long time. The relationship was over. It had been over for a long time. Waiting for a spark that was never going to come was not doing anybody any good. It was time to rip off the band-aid and get it over with. He was never going to do it. I shut off the engine and pulled the hood of my jacket over my head. I rushed up to the front door and knocked. He answered the door with a big smile. “Hey, babe!” he greeted and pulled me into the house. “I didn’t know you were coming by.” He gave me a kiss. I tried not to show my revulsion. “Hi,” I said for lack of anything better to say. I noticed his plastic food bowls all over the center island. “Making your lunches for the week?” “Yep,” he said with a laugh. “Am I that predictable?” Predictable could be his middle name. “What’s on the menu for this week?” “Grilled chicken, brown rice, and spinach.” I nodded and looked around his house that was as clean as always. Geoffrey was a clean freak. He was also a health nut. His rigidity was difficult to deal with, but I used to tell myself it was what I needed in my life. I tried. I tried to adjust my lifestyle to fit in with his, but I just couldn’t do it. If I didn’t say it now, I was going to chicken out. “Can we talk for a minute?” I asked him. He flashed a grin. “Talk? You don’t have the little munchkin with you. Maybe we could do just a little more than talk?” He reached for me, but I sidestepped and sat down on the edge of the couch. “Sit, please.” “What’s going on? Is Clara okay?” “She’s fine,” I told him. “She’s with my mom.” “I was hoping we could take her to the children’s museum next week,” he said as he sat down. “One of my patients told me they updated the giraffe area. We’ll go out to eat at that pizza place we love afterward. It’ll be easier if I stay the night at your place and I’ll go to the gym from there.” Listening to him plan our weekend irritated me. That was how it always was. He dictated the plans. He decided where we ate and when. He decided if Clara was included in our plans. He had somehow managed to take over my life and I didn’t like it. I felt like a teenager with super strict parents. I was over it. I needed my freedom. “I don’t know,” I said. “You don’t know?” he questioned like it was the most absurd thing ever that I wouldn’t automatically jump to do what he demanded. “All right, I can see something is wrong. What is it?” “Geoffrey, I need to tell you something. It isn’t going to be easy. It’s weighing heavy on my heart and I just need to get it out.” “What’s wrong, baby?” he asked. I looked into the blue eyes I used to be so attracted to. He was blond, blue-eyed, average height but in great shape, and an orthodontist making good money to boot. He should have been the perfect man. My parents thought he was. They were the ones who set us up. But he wasn’t. He wasn’t for me.