The Bodyguard

I am a mess.   Then again I was always a mess. I’ve never been one of those girls who had her s**t together, who knew who she was and what she wanted. I fell into things because the opportunity came up or someone coerced me and now I’d ended up here.   It wasn’t like I didn’t have any talents or I was totally useless, that was partly the reason why I had almost no friends. I’d aced school, I was a straight A student, I was a talented artist and I knew I must be fairly pretty too because even the bullies told me so.   Tell your sister we’ll find her when she least expects it and smash her pretty little face in.   All my Mom had said about that was "at least they said you were pretty."  Ugh. I had zero confidence or self-esteem and no sense of direction when it came to my life.   Guys seemed to like me, but I didn’t feel comfortable around them. My supposed first kiss was a total disaster; my so-called high school friends had dared me to kiss Chris Hastings (who was popular, but not my type at all) after class. I was so nervous and he laughed at how inexperienced I was. He went to kiss me and I couldn’t kiss him back, I totally freaked out and ran to the bus stop to go home hearing the laughter behind me. That’s when I realised my so-called friends were just that. By the next day everyone knew what had happened and said I was frigid. Boys at high school stayed clear of me after that.   I feel the tears rolling down my face and the lump in my throat that just won’t go away. Why did I have to choose now to think about that awful memory? Why was I always a mess?   My phone rings and I see it’s my Mom. I don’t like running to her every time I have a problem. She’s had enough to deal with in her life and with my Mom it was always a risk to open up about anything. It was like Russian Roulette, would I get the calm, sympathetic Mom who would just listen and soothe, or would I get the stone cold Mom who told me to sort my own s**t out because I was a grown up now. I let it go to voicemail because I am way too emotional to deal with whichever Mom is on the other end today.   Finally my bus arrives and I get on. I choose a seat at the back, only because I want as few people to see me as possible. My clothes are creased, I’m sweating and my make up has definitely run because I can see black smudges on the tissue I’m gripping so I can only imagine how awful I look.   I take a deep breath and close my eyes. Why do I always end up alone? I’d liked Jason for years, I met him through my art club growing up and he was probably the one person I really felt I could trust. I was quite smitten with him for the last three months after we reconnected and started dating.   We’d bumped into each other over the summer and he took my number then invited me to his friend James’ party. We kissed that night and we were inseparable thereafter.   Jason is tall and striking looking with jet black hair and deep brown eyes, I thought he loved me. Ok so he hadn’t ever said as much, but he knew what I’d been through in high school with the bullies and he seemed like he wanted to look after me. He listened and made me feel like I was finally somebody. Somebody normal, with a proper boyfriend.   Now, here I was, sitting on the bus home, a total mess because I’d seen him with another girl. His best friend James warned me he wasn’t treating me right a week ago, but I didn’t want to believe it. Jason would never do that, surely? We were each other’s firsts, first kiss, first proper date and a few weeks ago we lost our virginity to each other. Yet there he was, in a cafe, kissing some stupid fake blonde b***h and holding her hand. He didn’t see me, I left before I created a scene or worse vomited. I didn’t even get the takeaway coffee I’d gone in for.   The only person I want to talk to in this moment is James. Why didn’t he tell me all the details and make me listen? Why didn’t he try to talk some sense into his friend?   I dial his number and he answers on the third ring.   “Hey Kristen?”   “Hi. I’m sorry to bother you.” I can hear my voice crack and I don’t want to cry again. Not in front of James.   “What’s wrong? Is it Jason?” he sighs.  He's clearly annoyed with his friend.     My silence says it all.   “Do you want to talk? You are welcome to come to mine.” He says in such a warm, sympathetic way.   “If you don’t mind. I’m a total mess and I don’t know where else to go, I can’t go home like this. I just saw Jason with some girl in a cafe. They were holding hands and he kissed her.” I sob as the tears spill from my eyes. I can’t believe I’m crying again. He is so not worth all these tears.   “Please come to mine. I know you don’t want to go home or face your Mom so come here and calm down.” He says softly.   “Ok. I’ll get off the bus and walk, I’ll be there in 20.” I can hear my voice sounds a little stronger already.   “Ok doll, but please look after yourself. See you soon.”   “Bye” I say as I hand up.   James isn’t my friend, he’s Jason’s, but he’s been more of a friend to me than anyone else lately and I know he’s the only person right now who will tell me the truth.   What’s the worst that could happen?