My Cousin Next Door

Tears stream down my face as I sit alone in my room. I can't help but question myself. How did I not see the signs? How did I not realize that my boyfriend was cheating on me? It all started when I caught Ethan red-handed with another girl in his arms. I trusted him with all my heart and he betrayed me. I ended things with him immediately, not even giving him a chance to explain himself. But as I sit there, heartbroken and lost, the sound of moans and groans from the thin wall of my cousin's room next door makes me even more miserable. I know they are having s*x, and it makes me sick to my stomach. How can Jay enjoy a life f*****g a different woman every week like that? While I just gave all my loyalty to Ethan? That just left me brokenhearted. "Damn it, Jay! Don't stop! Don't you dare f*****g stop!" Jay’s woman screamed. I open my eyes and stare up at my ceiling, questioning how life got to this point. "Baby, yes, yes, YES!" NO, NO, NO! I bury my face in my pillow and release a frustrated scream. After a month, I've had, not to mention, lugged a suitcase the size of my Nan up three flights of stairs. I should call my mom and tell her about those lousy moans every night! I can't stand hearing them every day. Especially tonight. I want to cry, but I can't because I can hear them enjoying those things. "Ahhh, Damn! Right there, baby, don't stop. Don't you dare stop!" I press my face further into the pillow, desperately trying to absorb as much of the Lilac laundry detergent as possible in the hopes it calms me. It doesn't. It only reminds me that I hate Lilac, and it's all that was left over from the previous tenants. "Oh gosh!" I'm suddenly exposed to the silence and just when I think my prayers have been answered, it starts again. Only this time, there's banging involved too. And judging by the brief interval between each one, I'd say whoever is on the other side of my new bedroom wall is getting f****d up against it. "Jayyyy!" I lost myself this time. Before I can rationalize my actions, my fist hammers against the wall, interrupting their f**k fest. "Quiet, damn it!" The woman giggles, and it only served to infuriate me more. My therapist would tell me I was overreacting. She'd say I was projecting my anger onto my surroundings as a coping mechanism. And she'd be right. That's exactly what I'm doing. I'm desperately trying to keep my rage contained, but it's becoming more and more difficult. I'm angry. Simple as that. And what makes it worse is that I'm not angry at the Universe. I'm not even angry at Ethan. Surprisingly, I feel nothing but numbness when it comes to my ex. The only reason why I am crying right now is because I waste a lot of time with him. There are a lot of opportunities before that I should grab. But I chose him. I've only been angry at one person before and that was myself. Now it was different. It became three, still myself, my cheater ex-boyfriend, and my f**k boi cousin Jay! Do I deserve it? For letting it go on as long as it did. For accepting a fate far less than I deserve. Do I deserve to suffer like this? "Sorry! Jay, can’t help it!" yells the woman, though she does not attempt to rectify the situation. If anything, she's louder. I reach for my earphones and blast my favorite song Out of the Woods by Taylor, hoping some upbeat music will deter my anger. I do my best to take a deep breath through each ugly thought, but in the end, it's pointless. I hate that I've become this. That the music I used to enjoy feels somehow tarnished now. I used to read romance novels, but they only serve to piss me off. Even baking feels like a slog because Ethan always liked my cookies and I no longer like Ethan, so why the hell would I ever bake again? I hit pause on my playlist after twenty minutes, only to find they're still going at it. I'll be honest, if I had been so sleep-deprived, I'd have been impressed. This woman she is has had well over three orgasms, and Jay, my cousin who I've not yet met, is showing no signs of slowing down. My mom just told me that my long-long cousin moved to Aunt Nora’s house. I've never seen his face because I was busy with Ethan. I never stay at home because I often go to Ethan's condo, but every time I stay in my room, I hear them. Dan, my homeowner, told me I'd have no issues with a cousin like him. Dan doesn't know what his beloved Jay gets up to on a Friday night. Damn, those boys! Ethan! Dan! Jay! f**k them! I'm saying f**k too much! And that's not normal! I decide to listen and after a while, I notice I can't hear Jay at all. Either he's a quiet lover or he isn't enjoying the moment half as much as his partner. I can't say I'm a fan of the vocally expressive type. I always find it kind of cringe whenever a man attempts dirty talk. They never quite get the tone right and don't even get me started on s**t that spills from their lips. I once had a man tell me he was going to tear me a new v****a. I mean-WHAT THE f**k? I like my v****a the way God intended it. Thank you very much. In one piece. "Right there, right there! OH MY GOD!" Imagining Jay's gestures, I now understand her growing intensity. The constant pounding against the wall reignites my frustration. By my nightstand, a cherished photograph of my mother brings solace, her radiant smile a comforting ache. She's been an exceptional single parent to me, and I've never felt the absence of a father. Thankfully, my mom found happiness without a deceitful man, who met his end in a tragic car accident involving his mistress. Anyway, going back to Jay, the vibrations intensify as these two passionately engage, and as it topples, I swiftly rise from my bed. "That's it!" I fume, storming through my apartment, towards the front door. Boxes are scattered everywhere and although the space itself is gorgeous, it doesn't quite feel like home yet. "Jay!" I yelled, banging on his front door opposite.