Embers of Love

When will we know if a relationship is already failing? Is it when one of you doesn't feel happy anymore? Or when someone chose to cheat? Are those the basis? Because honestly, those were just f*****g choices! Relationships only fail when someone chooses to give up just because he no longer feels happy. It is when someone chose to cheat on his partner just because he saw something that his partner lacked. Those were the reasons because relationships become stronger when you choose to stay and be content with your partner. Relationships should not only be composed of love and lust, it should also have trust and contentment. And maybe, that's what we lack... "Putangina!" I cursed for the nth time as I drank my fifth glass of tequila. Hindi ko talaga matanggap at hindi ko maiintindihan kung paano ako nagawang lokohin ni Karl. He was my long-time boyfriend. We were together for eight f*****g years! Tapos ay malalaman ko lang na niloloko niya lang pala ako; that all this time he was f*****g his co-worker. Tangina lang talaga! "Huy, tama na yan!" Sasha said, stopping me from drinking more. I faced her and held her shoulders. "Sha, hindi ko matanggap! How could he f*****g do that to me?" I asked, tears are starting to fall again from my eyes. Hinayaan naman ako nito at nakinig lang sa mga litanya ko. Eight years. I spent those eight years making him the top of my priorities, making him the center of everything. Kaya hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit sa lahat-lahat ng ginawa ko para sa kanya, ito lang ang isusukli niya. Hindi naman ako naghahangad ng mga imposibleng bagay, ang gusto ko lang naman ay maging totoo siya sa akin. I'm not even asking him to love me more than he was already, I am already content knowing that our feelings are mutual; that my love was reciprocated. He said he loves me and I can feel that. I felt that. He never failed to make me feel that, but after learning about his affair, I doubt if that was true. If what he made me feel and all that he said to me was real. Nakakagago lang na habang umaasa akong maayos kami, ganun pala ang ginagawa niya. He was screwing another girl behind my back. Bakit? Dahil ba hindi niya magawa iyon sa akin? Dahil ba mas pinili kong ingatan ang sarili ko hanggang sa ikasal kami? Iyon ba yon? Damn it! He could have asked me instead! Ibibigay ko naman, eh. He could have asked me instead of betraying me. "Ganun ba talaga yun? Kapag hindi mo maibigay ay hahanap sila ng ibang kayang gawin yung gusto nila?" I asked again. Sasha shook her head immediately. "Hindi. Hindi yun ganun at hindi mo yun kasalanan," she said. "But he hated me because I couldn't do it with him!" I cried more. Sasha pulled me to a hug and patted my back. "Adrielle, it was not your fault that he cheated. It was his. It was his mistake to choose to break your heart and your relationship. Hindi mo kasalanan na hindi siya marunong maghintay at mas lalong hindi mo kasalanan na mas pinili mo ang sarili mo," ani niya. "He could have asked me. Kaya ko naman gawin, kung sinabi niya lang," I said, snuggling on her neck. Itinulak niya naman ako, hawak ang magkabilang balikat ko ay inalog-alog pa ako nito. "What the hell are you saying? Damn it, Adrelle! Don't you ever put yourself sso low just for that forsaken asshole!" "Kaya ko naman kasi yun. Kayo ko rin." "He doesn't deserve you!" "But I love him so much," I said, crying more tears. Sasha hugged me again, brushing my hair this time. "Makakahanap ka rin ng taong mas magmamahal sayo ng higit sa binigay niya." Mas lalo naman akong naiyak sa sinabi niya. Hindi ko kasi alam kung makakahanap pa ako ng iba pagkatapos ni Karl. He was everything I never thought I would experience, the love I didn't imagine to have and capable to give. He was my everything... "I will show him what he loss," I said as I stood from our seat. Sinubukan pa akong pigilin ni Sasha pero wala na siyang nagawa ng kumawala ako sa kanya at makihalo sa dance floor. Tonight, I will prove Karl that he was wrong for doing this to me. I will show him what he lost. I blended in the crowd and danced like there was no tomorrow for me. I raised my hand up in the air while my other hand was on my thighs, gliding from there up to my waist and chest, dahan-dahang sinasabayan ang tugtog. Nasa tabi ko na ngayon si Sasha para siguro bantayan ako. Ayos lang. Mas kumportable akong nasa malapit lang sya. I repeated the action as I dance with the song. Bahagya pang tumaas ang laylayan ng suot kong dress, exposing more skin from my legs. Hinayaan ko iyon. Madilim naman sa parte namin kaya hindi iyon mapapansin gaano ng iba. "f**k you, Karl! Magsama kayo ng babae mo!" I shouted at the top of my lungs. Sinabayan naman ako ni Sasha hanggang sa magtawanan na kami habang sumasayaw. Hindi kalaunan ay may lumapit sa amin, nakikisayaw. Hindi naman ako umatras ay nakipag sayaw sa estranghero sa aking likod. Sasha was laughing as she cheer on me. Natatawa na lang ako. We were in that situation when someone pulled me out of the crowd, dragging me out of the bar. "What the f**k, Karl!" I shouted when we reached the parking lot. I knew it was him the moment I smelled his scent. "What was that, Adie?" He asked me instead. "The f**k you were doing there, huh?" I rolled my eyes. "It's none of your business, Karl. f*****g back off!" I said and turned my back to him, ready to leave when he pulled me again by holding my elbow. "None of my business, really?" he blurted. "Damn it! Adie, you were dancing with someone else. How would you think I would react seeing my girlfriend rub her butt to some bastard on that dance floor?" He said and my hand immediately flew to his face. I have been wanting to do this when I learned about his infidelity, I just never had the chance. "I am no longer your girlfriend, Karl. You don't have any rights to meddle with my affairs," I said. "Adie..." He called me but I shut him up immediately. I don't want to hear anymore lies from him. "You cheated, remember?" I said. "You f*****g cheated on me when I did nothing but faithful to you!" How could he do that to me? Why did he have to hurt me like this? "I put you first, Karl. I made you my priority while I was the last of your concerns. I was so loyal to you! I have been so faithful but what did you do? You chose to betray me. You f*****g betrayed me after everything I did for you!" I just wanted him to be true to me, pero bakit parang ang hirap nung gawin para sa kanya. "Baby..." He tried to hold me again but I took a step away immediately. I shook my head and stared straight in his eyes. "Tapos na tayo, Karl. Ayaw na kitang makita kaya please lang, wag ka nang lalapit pa sa akin." I said and turned my back to him again. But before I could take a step, he said words that crashed my heart even more. "Iiwan mo ko? Tingin mo ba ay may mahahanap ka pa nang iba bukod sa akin?" He said. Gusto ko siyang lapitan at suntukin. How could he be this cruel? "Wala ka nang mahahanap na iba, Adrielle! Ako lang. Ako lang ang kayang mag tyaga sayo!" He added and can't help but shed a tear. How could I spend the last eight years of my life with this guy? With a teary eye, I turned to face him, showing him nothing but indifference. "You're wrong, Karl. I can still find someone who will treat me the way I deserve it, the way you never did to me. And as for not finding someone like you, I would be glad. I would be thankful to not cross paths with someone as asshole as you," I said. "Ikaw ang hindi na makakahanap ng katulad ko." I added. "Tangina!" he cursed so loud that it echoed. "Talaga? Sige patunayan mo! Go find someone who will accept someone who can't even make her boyfriend happy in bed. Tignan natin kung may mahanap kang mag t-tyaga sa kaartehan mo!" He added. That hurts. Hearing those words coming from the person I loved so dearly. Bakit? Ano bang kasalanan ko para tanggapin ang lahat ng ito. Hindi na ako nagsalita pa at mas pinili na lamang ang umalis. Pakiramdam ko ay nawala na ang kalasingan ko sa mga narinig ko galing kay Karl. Hindi ako makapaniwala na ganun klase ang lalaking minahal ko sa napakahabang panahon. I will prove him wrong. That was all in my head as I walked out the parking. Gusto kong patunayan sa kanya na mali siya, na lahat ng sinabi niya ay hindi totoo. I can find someone else. I will still be able to find someone who will love me. Mali siya. Hindi lang siya ang lalaking makikilala ko. Hindi lang siya ang lalaking kayang mag mahal sa akin. Mali siya sa sinabi niyang hindi ko kayang magpaligaya ng lalaki sa kama. I was so drowned with those painful thoughts that when I bumped into someone, I didn't hesitate to ask him if he wanted to sleep with me. "Sure," he said in a serious tone as he held me on my waist. His eyes were dark as it stared straight in my eyes.