Romance of the Four Juans

Track 14

“We are really just friends, kid.” Kiko clenches his fist. Prejudice is something they have experienced before. It’s nothing new, yet he still can’t help but be irritated whenever they are questioned about it. “I know some people won’t believe it and we lived with that, with the constant questions and taunts. But you know, if there were only her and me in that friendship from the very beginning, maybe yes, you can say that men and women cannot be just friends, that romantic feelings were developed between us at one point. But it’s not just her and me, kiddo, there were others in that friendship. We were a part of a collective. We just drifted off from the rest of our friends because we shared a kid, and we needed privacy, we needed to hide away. Instead of asking that, you could’ve asked me how we managed to become friends or why we only stayed friends. I can answer that for you. All the while that we were together, we were in love with other people, we were longing for the company of other people, and we were trying to be happy with other people. Most of all, we genuinely, truly, never saw each other as more than friends. We were under the guidance of the same man, and raised more like siblings. At most, if men and women cannot be friends, then she’s my general, and I’m her soldier. My status will never reach hers and our paths will never cross.”

Huan laughs. He guffaws and even falls to the floor laughing.

Kiko is always quiet, and he holds his tongue, but he must be keeping too many things inside and is so tired of being questioned about his pure friendship with HB that everything just burst in rapid succession.

“If you’re still confused about how we can be affectionate, all the hugging and the beso-beso... Brother. I was raised by an Italian

stepfather. She was raised in an Italian household as well. If you still cannot believe it, I beg you to examine your own father’s friendship. Being a part of a barkada, one or two might fall for each other, like papa and Tita Angel, but you cannot expect the rest to follow.”

Huan pats him, still laughing. “He understands it now. Don’t be too agitated.”

“Yes, kuya,” Jigo says belatedly. “I’m sorry for being ignorant. It’s only because I was never lucky enough to have the kind of friendship you have.”

They stood a moment of awkward silence. Kiko managed to down two cans of beer in that period as everyone’s eyes looked at him again to continue the mystery that was left hanging in the air.

Why or how did HB become Bivi’s mother?

“Bivi came to me in a strange way. It was one of HB and Calli’s friend from boarding school, Julian, who came to tell me one day that Calli eloped with some man and left the baby in HB’s care. Julian came to express her concern about HB taking responsibility for the child and wanted me to take Bivi from her, convincing me about my rights as the father."

Kiko took a deep breath and sat straighter, his long legs crossing. He feels uncomfortable remembering Julian, with her long black hair and round eyeglasses, always carrying a book wherever she goes. But he cannot omit the girl out of the story.

"Julian is right, of course, HB shouldn’t be responsible for a child’s life. She was only seventeen. However, at that point, after everything that happened between me and Callista, I didn’t want to get involved. I could only turn Julian away. I realized, after a month of living with papa, that I am so much like him when it comes to dealing with my romantic relationships. When Calli came to me, announcing the pregnancy, it was not that I didn’t know what to do. I was young, but my brain was able to imagine a new life, a family with her. But I thought, I’ll follow whatever the girl decides. So, when she said, she’ll keep the baby, but she and the child don’t need me in her life, she’s just there to let me know, and that we can go on with our lives... I said okay. Okay about everything.

“But my heart was heavy. That’s how you lose people, I think now. That is how papa lost my mom, lost Jigo’s mom, and probably how he lost out on Tita Angel as well. Like papa, I didn’t fight for what could be rightfully mine and instead let go. We don’t say what matters, what we really think, and we let the decisions of those women drive us. Do not be like papa, do not be like me, children. Say what you need to say.

“I was fine, actually, after that last conversation with Calli. I managed not to think about her or the child she'd been carrying for more than a year, until Julian came and came again. When Julian came back for a second time, she dragged me to a police station to file a report, not even a missing case report but something bolder that moved police officers faster, a claim that pains us until today. She and I sat at the police station, in front of my stepfather, lying through our teeth about how HB kidn*pped Bivi, accusing her of being mentally ill. They found her and the child a day later. The decision to brand HB as a juvenile delinquent and have her reformed at an institution, still haunts me because I did that to her. So, I swore that I would take her in after she gets out, whether my mother opposes or not.

“Whenever I stop to think about the events leading up to that day, I realize I won’t do it differently. HB needed a wake-up call and therapy. I think I also owe it to Julian for making the hard decisions for me at the time. If she didn’t force me to report HB for k********g, HB and Bivi would probably be lost to me forever. I wouldn’t have kept a good friend, or had the chance to meet my daughter. Bivi is still the best gift I have ever received in my life. I pray every day. Please don’t take my daughter away. But life always pushes me towards difficult points in life. I have a girlfriend.” He says out of the blue. “Her name is Ame. We’ve been dating for a year now. I want to marry her. I already bought the ring. Just that, she doesn’t know about Bivi yet and HB doesn’t think she’s mother or even stepmother material. And this is what frustrates me about her. Yes, we parent Bivi together, but that doesn’t give her the right to make suggestions about the women I date, right? I will marry who I want to marry.”

But that belief that he could is faltering. It’s tearing at the seams. More importantly, he should be preparing himself for the aftereffects of the fight.

Silent treatment is the best weapon against men, and HB is pretty versed at it.

Every day after she left, Kiko waits for his phone to vibrate, waiting for even one message from his friend that would mark the end of their cold war. The silent treatments he had to endure in their entire relationship never lasted for more than three days, but three days went past, it turned into a week and another week passed and Kiko, frustrated at himself for always looking at his phone, threw it deep into his drawers and tried to forget that he owned one.

But Bivi is there, constantly reminding him of the friend who acts as mother to his daughter. There is also his father, who keeps telling him to break down whatever system they have and call the girl. Kiko tried the moment it was decided that Bivi would take the family name he has now and documents to complete that emerged from Bivi’s suitcase. HB had prepared it well for him, and he wanted to tell her about the decision first, but the call had not been answered. He was even made to call his mother, who told him that HB never came by.