Built for sin

Five years later…

FIVE YEARS LATER

Five years, it had been five years since that panty melting kiss with Sin and I still remembered it as if it was yesterday, but I also remembered Sin disappearing after that night, he left and it wasn’t just that he disappeared that hurt so much, it was the fact he never even said goodbye he just vanished, the sadness I’d felt when Sin’s presence left my life was excruciating, what was worse was I had to pretend I was okay, I had to wake up every morning, shed my tears alone and walk around with a fake smile plastered across my face like everything was fine, but it wasn’t.

Sin left a hole in my heart that couldn’t be filled and it was only myself that would ever know the true sadness that filled my life, as the months rolled by that sadness was a little bit less and I got used to not seeing Sin or having him apart of my existence, I suppose like when somebody dies, you don’t forget them but as time goes on it’s like they was never there and with their absence the pain and suffering you felt before gets less and less intense and all that your left with is a space in your heart, a space they once filled.

I was sixteen when Sin first disappeared from my life but when he left he left a gaping hole in my young and heartbroken self, so I did what any self respecting teenage girl would do in that situation, I changed my appearance because isn’t that what we all do when we can’t deal with life, we make changes, they are supposed to make you feel better and sure I enjoyed the new found confidence I had gotten from dying my hair blonde, changing my clothes, even getting a tattoo of angel wings at the base of my back, it was my signature symbol of opening my wings and flying free, still to this day it represented my freedom but that freedom was short lived.

My life had took a dark turn when Sin left but I couldn’t blame him for any of that, I only had myself to blame and instead of opening my wings and flying to freedom I was caged up like an injured bird, I tried many times to think of a way to free myself but fear gripped me into the horror I still lived today, I thought I was been wild and carefree, now I just think it was stupidity and naivety, after awhile I just came to accept that this was my life now, it wasn’t all bad but I was far from free, it was Friday so I knew I would be summoned once again to relive the same nightmare I’d lived for the last five years, each time I got that text chills would run down my spine causing a coldness over my soul that I wouldn’t wish on anyone, it wasn’t that I didn’t know what would happen because I did, I always did, it was enduring what I knew was coming, in some ways not knowing would be preferable, ignorance is bliss as they say and oh boy do I wish I could go back to the days where I was ignorant.

Back at my parents house I couldn’t believe I was here again but I came to have dinner with my parents and Blaine every Friday, I’m not sure how this had become a ritual but it had, the moment I left home to go into the big wide world and find myself, except I didn’t leave to find myself because how could you find yourself if you was already lost?

There was one other tiny detail why I didn’t want to be here more than usual the ghost from my past was invited for dinner just as he had been every week but he never showed up and I prayed he stayed away just as he had done for the last five years but fate had other plans.

“Sin” my mother screamed as she ran into his arms, I rolled my eyes at the obvious display but couldn’t get a clear look at the man who had ripped my heart out five years ago.

I just stood there in the entrance watching the display of affection unfold in front of me.

“Catalina aren’t you going to come say hello to Sin?”

I was just about to give a sarcastic response because today of all days I couldn’t be bothered faking a greeting to the ghost and that’s when my mother stepped aside and walked away and I could finally see him, he was more muscular than I remembered him in ripped skinny jeans and almost bulging out of his skin tight t-shirt, tattoos adorned his arms that were bare and his once blonde locks were shaven, were now a dirty blonde in a undercut, s**t, Sin had gotten hotter! How was that possible? He looked even more bad ass than when I remembered him.

“Sin” I nodded but never smiled.

“Is that you Cat?” I just nodded, the days of our playful banter was over his nickname for me was over, he relinquished that the day he disappeared.

I started turning to walk the way my mother just walked thinking how awkward this dinner was going to be when Sin grabbed my hand and pulled me back.

“What are you doing?”

“Getting a good look at you, it’s been awhile”

It’s been awhile? Was he joking? 

“Yeah it’s been awhile, like five years”

“Little kitty” I threw my hand abruptly out of his as I finally looked at him and scowled.

“I am not little nor am I a f*****g cat so let’s not pretend it’s five years ago, let’s just be pleasant and get through this f*****g dinner then we can go back to hating each other, deal?”

Sin looked genuinely shocked not sure why, he couldn’t possibly think this would be a happy reunion surely.

“Cat –“ But I didn’t let him finish, I left him there with his mouth gaping open as I turned and walked away from him, I felt empowered and in control, this was the most control I’d had over my life for the last five years and it felt good to give him a taste of his own medicine.

I felt his eyes on me and I wanted to scream “why did you leave me” but I didn’t, seeing him again after five years, I suddenly realized that the past didn’t matter anymore, we couldn’t go back, only forward and while I had plenty to say in the grand scheme of things, it was just no longer important.

Sitting at the table with my family watching them laughing and joking as I sat there silently wishing I could be as carefree as they was but I couldn’t and the ping from my phone reminded me of that.

Mr. X

8pm Don’t be late.

The chills that I always felt ran up my spine, of course not, I was never late, I never dared.

That text was a reminder that even here in the comfort of my family home, surrounded by my family, even here I wasn’t safe.

“Cat” Sin called, I looked up and at last really looked at him.

“Are you okay” No I’m not okay I wanted to scream but instead I gave my best winning fake smile, “of course” I answered dishonestly.

I saw the burrowing of Sin’s brows and he only did that when he caught you in a lie.