Soul Searching

I Didn't Want to Leave

Mary sat at the edge of the filthy bed, small legs dangling over the edge as tears spilled onto the tile floor. Isaac felt the similar crushing pain in his chest. The pain of losing her in his memory over and over. Each reincarnation brought new experiences and furthered his path towards finding her. But the pain never stopped or diminished, it just hid until something reminded him of her. Then it released in a tidal wave.

Mary wiped her eyes and sniffled. She heard footsteps in the hall and straightened. The doctor came back in, quill pen in hand and moved towards his desk. He glanced at her and stopped suddenly.

"Oh sweetheart." he spoke in a gentle voice, turning towards her with sympathy in his eyes. " I know it's hard but you'll be ok." He paused for a few moments, silence filling the air. "You miss your parents, little one?"

Mary nodded solemnly. Isaac knew that he was definitely missing someone so his response was genuine when Mary started crying again, her breath hitching in her chest. The doctor approached her and bend down on one knee to be more face to face. He gave her a light hug and patted her back gently. "I'll get you some nice, warm tea."

"Thank you sir. Just... please. Not peppermint." Isaac didn't think he could handle any more flashbacks today. The doctor stood and shook his head in understanding. He motioned for her to stand and they walked back into the damp hall, headed towards what Isaac assumed was the living quarters of this particular circle of hell.

They reached a corridor and turned right. God this place is a maze, Isaac thought, feeling concerned about getting lost later. He doubted he'd get much free time exploring anyway so it wasn't likely to be an issue for a while.

Dim yellow light glowed from an approaching doorway. They walked into the sleeping area, which was actually just several rows of dirty straw mattresses against the walls. Children of all ages sat or lay down on the makeshift beds, boys on one end, girls on the other.

A few looked her way, but most kept to themselves. One girl made eye contact briefly, then flashed a tentative smile. The girl was thin, with pale skin and dark brown hair that was covered in a tattered brown kerchief. Mary smiled back as the doctor walked over to a back room.

When he returned, Jerrell was with him. He spoke quickly to her, "Bed in the corner, don't touch anyone's belongings, food twice a day in the main dining hall, washroom at the end of the hall, lights out at 8 o'clock. You got that?" Mary nodded, trying to keep up.

The doctor smiled at her briefly and took his leave. She found her bed and sat down tentatively, looking around. Her bunk mates looked her over, some with bland interest and others with suspicion. All of them were scrawny and dirty. Isaac hoped again that his time here would be brief, ideally before he/Mary would have to suffer through any major diseases.

Mary didn't have the energy to do much else after her long walk here and laid down on the bed, curling onto one side. She glanced around to see if the other children were still watching her. They had all resumed whatever they were doing before she walked in. Except the thin girl with brown hair that had smiled at her earlier. She was still watching. Mary looked away from the girl, and focused on her bed. She swiped at some dirt and shook out the blanket, sending a cloud of dust. Good enough, she thought, and laid down to sleep.

Isaac dreamed of Helena again. Not of his sick or dying wife, but a healthy and strong woman. He dreamed of her doing a normal day-to-day chore. She washed dishes, her back facing him as she stood at the sink in their first apartment, the one that hadn't come with a dishwasher. She simply stood there, with a black apron tied around her waist, hands moving quickly from dish to dish. Scrub, rinse, set out to dry, repeat. She turned slightly to grab a bowl from the kitchen counter and he noticed that her cheeks were red, and her weight was normal. Her face didn't have that caved-in look that she had in her last weeks. She breathed naturally and hummed a little tune. It sounded like a Christmas song, though his dream-self couldn't put his finger on which one. She always had a habit of singing Christmas songs all year long.

She turned, as if realizing he was behind her and spoke, "Vous voyez quelque chose que vous aimez?" For a moment, he didn't understand. His mind processed what she said and translated based on his college French courses - See something you like? She smiled, and his heart cracked for what must have been the millionth time since she had died. So beautiful. She was so beautiful in body and soul. He knew he was dreaming now. Helena could never speak French, so that had shaken him out of his dream state into lucidity. He stared at her, praying that the dream lasted forever. She just looked back at him, her smile slowly dropping and her eyes filling with tears. "Je ne voulais pas partir."

I didn't want to leave.

Isaac awoke with a jolt, Mary's tears staining the small lumpy pillow on the small bed in the cold orphanage. She cried for several minutes, until she fell back asleep. She did not dream again and woke at morning's first light as it poured in through the small windows of Robin Crest.