The Hurt

Am I Okay?

“Appointment is running a little behind, text you later.”

I messaged Sean as I sat in my car, debating on what to do until I had to go back to the Hospital. I absentmindedly chewed on a fingernail, distracted from my thoughts for a moment. My phone dinged, snapping me back to reality. It was a message from Sean.

“Okay, call me later, baby,” it read.

I tossed my phone into the passenger seat after reading his message and started my car. I didn’t know where I was going, but I needed to get away for a while, do something to get my mind off the hospital, and what may or may not be impending doom. I drove into town, figuring I would just get some groceries so I could go home after I was done at the hospital. It was midday, so the town was not too busy, as everyone was at work. Everyone except me, it seemed. I pursed my lips in annoyance at the thought. I wanted to go back to work, not puttering around while I waited to get some darn test results that would probably be inconclusive. I let out a sigh as I grabbed my reusable bags out of the back seat before making my way into the store. I walked around in the buggy, looking at my small list, but throwing a few extra things in it absently.

As I made my way to the checkout corral, my phone rang, giving me a bit of a start. I fumbled with it inside my purse before answering, “Hello?”

“Yes, hello, is Miss Kay there?”

“This is she.”

“Oh, Miss Kay! We have your results ready for you. When are you able to come back to the hospital?”

“I can be there in a few minutes, if that’d be okay?”

“Yes! Yes, that would be fine.” There seemed to be a hint of urgency in her voice.

“Ok, I’ll be there soon. Should I come back to radiology? Or the main clinic?” I asked as I started to unload the groceries onto the checkout counter.

“You can come back to the main clinic, that would be fine. Do you have anyone who you would want to come with you?”

“No?” I stopped unloading the groceries, trying to process why I would need someone else to come with me, my loaf of bread still in my hand. “Why would I want…”

“Okay, no worries, we will see you in a bit!” She cut me off and quickly disconnected the line.

I furrowed my brow and put my phone away, and pulled my wallet out to pay the clerk. Grabbing my groceries and discreetly hurrying to my car, I didn’t even bother to put my cold things inside insulated bags and rushed out of the parking lot. My mind was buzzing, still thinking about the Nurse asking me if there was anyone I wanted there with me; why would I need someone there with me? Was I dying? Was there something severely wrong with my health? What was going on?

I pulled back into the parking lot, backed into a spot, and made my way into the main clinic. I waited in line to check in with the receptionist again. The clinic was a little busier than when I left. I checked in and sat down in the waiting room once again. It wasn’t long until my name was called by a different nurse than the last time. I followed her straight back, not to a room, but into a consultation office this time. My doctor, a different doctor, and another nurse were muttering over some papers before looking up at me.

“Miss Kay! Have a seat, please,” my doctor gestured to one of the two empty seats in front of the desk she was sitting behind.

I felt like a child being called to the principal's office, nervously sitting down in the seat. “Am I okay?” I asked.

The doctor gave me what looked like a forced smile, “Yes, everything will be just fine.”

“Will be?” I echoed. “What’s that mean?”

The doctors exchanged glances with each other before my doctor looked at me and handed me a printout, “Honey, you’re pregnant.”

My mouth fell open when I saw the ultrasound printout. It was a tiny, little bean-shaped outline among the black and white in the picture. I was in disbelief, but was a little relieved that just this little thing was causing all the fuss. My shocked expression twisted into a smirk. “This was causing all the fuss?” I almost chuckled.

“Well, it’s a little more complicated than that, actually,” the doctor held her hard expression as she spoke slowly. “We went through your ultrasounds and other tests, and we also found that you have cancer in one of your ovaries. We don’t think it has spread to your fallopian tubes or your uterus yet, but we’ll need to start treatment as soon as we can. The form of treatment we give you will depend on a few things, however.”

My stomach sank, and I felt sick all of a sudden, like I was going to throw up. I reached for the nearest garbage can and retched hard and loudly. I hadn’t eaten anything in hours, so nothing much was coming out. One of the nurses was rubbing my back, trying to comfort me. I lifted my head from the can. I was handed a tissue and a little cup of water. I wiped my mouth and sipped on the water before speaking, “Cancer?” I croaked out. “And pregnant?” I put my head in my hand and rubbed my eyes. “What does that mean for the baby?”

“Well,” the doctor sighed, “that can depend on a few things. Such as, if you want to keep the baby or not.”

I wasn’t prepared to have to make that decision, let alone have a child, for a while. I certainly did not anticipate having to mix that with a cancer diagnosis. I let out a long sigh before answering, “I have to get rid of the baby?”

“It is possible to have a healthy pregnancy with ovarian cancer, and still be able to have a mild treatment until the child is carried to full term. Your cancer is in the early stages. By what we can see, it is just starting to spread to the outer surface of your left ovary. Which is…good, that means it has not spread to any of the other pelvic organs yet. We would like to get you scheduled with a gynecologist and an oncologist to get an MRI to see if the cancer has actually spread to any other organs in your pelvic region. If the cancer has spread or becomes more advanced, we can administer chemotherapy in the second and third trimesters of your pregnancy with little harm to your child. For the most part, however, all we can really do is wait and watch to see what happens.”

I didn’t know what to do or say; it seemed like everything the doctor was saying was muffled, or that we were underwater. “This is all so much to process,” I stared at the doctors without looking at them. “What should I do?” I asked, my voice cracking.

The other doctor spoke, “Well,” he sighed, “the most effective method, and the most successful, would be to terminate your pregnancy and start treatment as soon as we can. Possibly surgery to remove the cancerous tissue if it has spread.”

I was silent for a while, chewing over the words terminate pregnancy, surgery, and cancerous tissue. “Do I have to make a decision now?” I asked feebly, seeming to be on the cusp of getting sick again.

“We know this must be a lot to take in right now,” my doctor said, readjusting herself in her seat to face me more squarely, “but the sooner you decide what course you are going to take, the better.”