The Hurt

ByAppointment

“Jesus, you look like shit.”

My Assistant Manager, Claire, was leaning up against the door to my office, watching as I mindlessly tried to do some paperwork after counting out tills for the day.

I looked up at her, “I’m fine, just tired,” I glowered, trying to fight off the weight I seemed to feel over my entire body.

She rolled her eyes, not convinced. “If you need to go home or to a doctor, you should. I don’t think I've seen you take a day off in the past few months. We’ll be all right here, don’t you worry ‘bout a thing!”

I shook my head, “I won’t be staying the whole day, I’ll have you know I actually do have a doctor's appointment this afternoon; find out why I’m so got dang tired lately. Is there a flu bug going around?”

“No ma’am, you seem to be the only one that looks more dead than alive,” she crossed her arms and sat on the corner of my desk.

I rolled my eyes, “Thanks kindly, Claire.”

She reached over to a picture on my desk as I rubbed my eyes. “Oh, this picture is new! Is that Sean? The Black man you’ve been seeing? Is it true what they say about their size? Is the s*x good?”

“Jesus, Claire,” I looked up at her, taken aback by the sudden bombard of questions, “Firstly, I’d kindly ask you to refrain from calling him ‘The Black Man,’ the color of his skin ain’t no matter who he is as a person. Second, our s*x life is no business of yours.”

She shrugged me off, “Does the distance make it hard? Do you think he’s staying loyal?”

I clicked my tongue, “Sure, it does, but we see each other often enough, and talk about nearly every spare moment we have. It may sometimes hurt, not knowing if there is someone I don’t know about because I can’t come home to him, but I gotta trust him, as he trusts me to stay loyal.” I looked longingly at the picture of us sitting on my desk. We went for a walk to look at the holiday lights last weekend and took a picture in front of a lighted archway. What a beautiful night that was, I thought to myself. I looked back at Claire, “We’re adults, if he ain’t wanna be with me, all he’s gotta do is say so. I don’t have the time to be messing around like a young college girl.”

“Ah, hush up, you are the youngest manager I’ve seen work here in a minute, you could still be in college.”

“And study what? How not to be a cynical pain in the ass?” I laughed. “You can’t get anywhere in life joining a fraternity!”

Claire shook her head, “Take the damn compliment, woman! You’ll be thanking the good Lord you still look like you’re in your 30s in your 50s!”

“Good God, I hope I don’t live that long.”

“You don’t want kids with your bl-handsome man, there?” Claire caught herself.

“Maybe,” I sighed, looking at the photo, “I don’t have time for that now; I’ve too much to do before I think about raisin’ a bunch a babies.”

Claire let out a deep breath, “Alright, just don’t be upset when your plans change; the good Lord knows that nothin’ stays how we want it,” she said as she walked out of my office.

I scoffed to myself, I work hard for everything I have, I won’t let anything stand in my way after so many others have told me what they expect of me. I have my own drive to get done what needs to be done.

***

“Hey, Sean! Can I call you back, sugar? I’m ‘bout to head into my doctor's appointment.”

“Is everything okay?” he asked, mild concern in his tone.

“Yeah, everything is fine, I think I just have a little bug, that's all,” I assured him.

“Are you pregnant? Do you feel pregnant?” he asked.

I laughed, “No, I don’t ‘feel pregnant,’ just a little under the weather is all, okay? I’ll let you know how it goes, all right, sugar?”

“All right,” he sighed, “text me first, I’m in the city checking in with some of my officers.”

“I will, baby, be safe, okay?”

“Always am.”

I hung up as I walked into the doors of the clinic; walking up to reception, I was greeted by a spry young blonde, who hadn’t yet seen enough trauma to fake her way through everyday life. “Hi! One moment, Hon, be with you in just a sec!” After taking and transferring a phone call, she greeted me again, “Hi! Sorry about that. Do you have an appointment?”

“Yes’m, I have a 2 o’clock with my GP, Dr. Carppi.”

The receptionist started typing and clicking away at her computer, “You must be Kay? Kay Lynn? Can I get a date of birth, please?”

After giving her all of my information, she gave me a clipboard with a few questionnaires for depression, anxiety, reason for coming in today, and the like. I filled them out while I waited for my name to be called, looking at the time, pondering if I would have time to go back to work after this. Did I even need to be here? Could I just go home, sip some tea, turn in early, and feel a mite better?

“Kay Lynn?” The nurse called out into the waiting room. I got up and walked towards her. She was a bit stout, but had a kind and gentle face, and a personality you’d tell your life story to, even let you cry on her shoulder, I’d bet. “Right this way, dear!” She took my measurements, height, and weight, “Looks like you’ve only gone up a few pounds since last year, just a little peanut, aren’t you?”

The corners of my mouth twitched into a slight smile. “I try to stay healthy.” I was only 120 pounds soaking wet; an extra hour at the gym would trim that right off, no doubt.

“Your blood pressure is a little high. Are you under much stress, dear?”

That was strange, my blood pressure was usually on the fairly low end, “Not more than usual, but perhaps.”

“Are you able to give us a sample today?” She asked, twitching a urinalysis cup out to me as if she was ringing a small handbell.

“Yes'm,” I replied, reaching to take the cup before slipping into the bathroom. Leaving the cup where she told me, I stepped out to be directed to an adjacent room with a gown folded neatly on the examination bed for me.

“Just put this on, you can keep your underclothes on, and the Doctor will be with you soon!” She seemed to say with almost too much excitement. I did as she said, and kept my bra and panties on underneath the gown, sitting on the examination bed, swinging my feet back and forth slightly, waiting as a child would.

There was a small knock at the door, “Kay Lynn? Hi there, are you ready for me?” The doctor asked.

“Yes’m.”

“What brings you in today?” She asked, putting some hand sanitizer on, rubbing her hands together as she sat on the chair facing me.

“I’m just in because I think I’m getting a little bit of a bug. I just feel tired, exhausted even, throughout the day. Can’t seem to wake up, no matter how much sleep I get.”

Doctor Carppi listened intently, seemingly weighing some thoughts in her head. She turned towards the computer, signing in and checking my chart. “Your blood pressure is normally on the low end, but it was a little high today? You haven’t been losing weight…have you been experiencing more stress than usual at work?”

I sighed at the repetitive question, “Not more than usual, I guess.”

“Do you have a significant other?”

“Yes, ma’am, a beau I’ve been seeing for a few months now.”

“Are you two sexually active?”

I flushed slightly at the question, “Yes’m.”

“Do you use any form of contraception?”

“Yes, condoms,” I felt a little embarrassed to be asked these questions. I was thankful that, at 29, I was well out of the house and my momma wasn’t in here with me to listen to this.

The doctor clicked and scrolled on a few things before turning back to me, “I’ll have you go ahead and lie on your back.” I did so, she came over and started pressing on my stomach and various parts of my torso. “Do your breasts feel tender at all?”

“A bit, but I should be getting my period soon.” She kept pressing on different parts of my stomach. I winced a little bit when she pressed down on my abdomen.

“Did that hurt?” She asked.

“Just when you pressed down on there, it doesn’t hurt now.”

“When was the start of your last period?” She asked, walking back to the computer.

“I don’t know…the 17th of January?”

“Nearly 4 weeks ago?”

“My periods are never consistent.”

“Do you have a history of endometriosis?”

“My momma did, was scooped clean about 7 years ago.”

The doctor paused from her barrage of questions to type for a moment. The room was quiet aside from the muffled sounds of people talking and doors opening and closing outside. The only sounds between the Doctor and I being the ticking of the keyboard as she typed. After a moment, she asked, “Do you think you could be pregnant?”

The question seemed to hit me over the head and linger in the room when she asked it, “I don’t think so,” I said slowly.

She stood up, walking towards the door, “I will be back in a moment, I just need to check with the nurse on a few things.” The door closed behind her, and I was left in muffled silence.

My head was buzzing. Could I be pregnant? I could have easily gotten a $2 test instead of a $150 doctor's appointment in that case. What would Sean think? Should I tell him? Would he leave? What would this mean for my career? My relationship? I jumped at the door opening. The doctor and the nurse walked into the room.

Perhaps seeing the slight concern on my face, the doctor spoke, “There is no need to worry,” she reassured, “but we would like to bring you down for an ultrasound.”

“Am I pregnant?” I blurted out, much louder than I probably needed to in such a small space.

The Doctor and nurse looked at each other; the nurse seemed to have a hard expression instead of the gentle expression that I was greeted with at first. “We aren’t sure, your urinalysis came back negative for HCG, but there are just some things that don’t add up,” she flipped through some papers on the clipboard she brought with her. “Your Bcl-2 is a little high, so we would like to run more tests so we can make a more accurate conclusion.” She finished.

“What does that mean?” I asked blankly.

“That’s what we are going to try to find out. Nurse Judy will get you ready. I’ve already reserved you a spot to get your ultrasound. We won’t be able to, necessarily, give you any answers from your results until later today. I will be in touch after I review your results with the radiologist.” The doctor left after saying this, nodding to Nurse Judy on the way out.

“Come ‘long now, dear, let’s get you down the hall,” She motioned towards me while putting my clothes in a plastic bag with the hospital name printed on the outside.

“Yes’m,” I replied sullenly, following her out the door. As I walked through the maze of hallway through the clinic, everything around me seemed to slow down, and the noise of the busy hospital sounded muffled. I was taken to radiology, nurse Judy handed another nurse some paperwork, and my bag of clothes.

Both walking towards me, nurse Judy smiled and squeezed my arm before leaving, “Take care, dear.”

“Hi! You must be Kay, right this way! We are all ready for you!” She started walking, and I followed. “My name is April, I’ll be your ultrasound tech today!”

“Hi,” I replied shyly.

“No need to worry, hon, Judy filled me in on what’s going on, I think they just want to make sure there is nothing to worry about!” She flashed a perfect smile, her fair complexion, blonde hair, green eyes…she was smart, no doubt, but a product of her parents' money to get to where she is. “Right in here! I’ll have you lie down on the bed there,” she gestured into a dimly lit room, holding the door open for me to walk in behind me.

I lay on my back on the bed next to the ultrasound machine, the empty image on the screen made me think of all of the pictures my friends and former classmates post of their kids online. Seems like every other day someone is having a baby or getting engaged and married. “Didn’t think I would be here for a while,” I spoke up sheepishly, trying to make conversation to break the silence.

“What’s that? The hospital?” April asked, only half paying attention, as she was preparing the wand and the jelly from the cart.

“Getting an ultrasound,” I said quietly, deflated.

“Oh!” She laughed, “I suppose so, an unexpected turn of events, wasn’t it?”

“Yeah,” I smiled nervously.

“Lay back, please.” She lifted my gown and pulled my shorts down a little before squirting the warm jelly on my stomach and moving the wand around. She moved it around my lower abdomen, taking a picture on the screen every so often, not speaking, her eyes fixated on the screen. She seemed to move automatically, as if she were a seasoned professional, though she didn’t look much older than I was. I tried to look at the screen she was looking at without moving my stomach too much, but was unsuccessful. She would glance at me from time to time; it was hard to read her expression, one of the only lights coming from the monitor, casting hard shadows on her fair face. “I’ll need you to take your shorts off, please,” she said, wiping off the wand with some paper towels.

“What for?” I asked.

“I am going to have to take images from the inside, to get a better picture of the bottom of your uterus and ovaries,” she replied calmly, reaching towards the foot of the bed to pull out the stirrups.

“Oh, all right,” I said sheepishly, pulling them off under my gown.

She put a bit of gel on the end of a long skinny probe before peaking under my gown, “Ok, little bit of pressure here.”

I bit my lip when she put it inside me, as it was a little uncomfortable having something artificial poking around down there. The room was, again, quiet. She would twist the probe around and apply more pressure in some places. She finally broke the silence, “All right, I think I have enough images to show the Doctor,” she handed me a few paper cloths, “Be sure to wipe yourself off good.”

“Did you find anything?” I asked, wiping the gel off me before pulling my shorts back on.

She shook her head, “I’m just the tech, I can’t really tell you anything before consulting with the doctor about what we see.”

“Oh, gotcha.” I threw the towels in the waste basket and sat up in the bed, “How long will it take to know anything?”

“I’m not sure, a few hours?”

I chewed on the inside of my cheek, “What should I do until then?”

“I can get your clothes, and you can either wait, or if you have any errands to run, we’ll give you a call when we have some results to share with you.”

After I was dressed, I was sent back to the radiology department, filled out a few papers, and was on my way, already in anticipation of the call.