Haunted Bag of Bones by Melody McCoy-Cole

Haunting secrets loom over your head Worse than the monsters that lie under your bed Next to you lies your wastebasket full of your vomit and pride Confidence so low you can only hide Hide your secret hide your disease hide all the ways you displease yourself and me Throw away the garbage but keep the self hate remember to recycle your smiles so you can learn to appreciate Appreciate your master the controller of your mind, the one who controls what goes in and out from inside Appreciate your reflection of yourself in the mirror the one that shows the truth even if it's your worst fears Appreciate the ones that try to understand yet you keep everything hidden so it doesn't look out of hand So it doesn't look that you're wasting or starving yourself, so no one hears the wretches of your throat when you spew it all out, into the endless void everything goes from your thoughts to your true self identity and the snot from your nose Your identity now lies in your new hands with those acid blistered fingers that make your new plans Plans to seize the day by calorie counting, deficits, fastings and light recipes Praying to the skeletal goddess for strength to not eat Moving every moment whether it's by racing thoughts or dancing feet, burning off the weight on every single beat Stepping on the scale to measure your self worth and yet be disappointed every time by numericals that dont logically work A slave a meandering fool or even a beast that's not human which scours the earth and wastes away "You're never good enough" the inner voices all whisper and scream and shout to the point you cut yourself to bleed and leak all the hate out Some never make it and die in their sickness Some learn to recover and live by new improved voices The rest of us like you and I we are stuck in between There is no life or death there is just bleak Stuck in our minds that won't let us change Stuck in all the habits that make us keep our behaviors and ways We continue to plod on with our lonely desperate days Fueling ourselves with pills, caffeine and sleep No time to complain and no time to weep The disease keeps us hidden and makes ourselves weak Bones sticking out but still to our dismay we pull and prod at our skin that still gets in the way Measuring ourselves compared to pencils and magazine models whose collarbones jumps from the page We are nothing like them so we must be a waste. I'm sorry body for what I've put you through Living in a hell that I know wasn't really you Holding yourself closed when you should have blossomed And now are stuck with repercussions that come often I'm sorry body for not allowing you to taste, for putting things down your throat and for counting every number of calories and pills to take I'm sorry body for not comforting you for not having the strength to grow or protect you. For having not enough mass to keep you warm, for losing your pretty head of hair that falls out in giant swarms. I'm sorry body for all the hospital stays, the sickness the torture and for the pain. I'm sorry mind for making you say and feel all those negative things, forcing you to see delusions and have nightmares for dreams. I'm sorry mind for brain controlling you to the point you couldn't think, for the beliefs that made you cry into the deep sink. I'm sorry mind for not showing you the way, the way to help, the way to positivity, the way to wanting your life to stay. I may have not gotten you to your haven close enough But I still believe that you are tough. You have help now and can use it in your favor, learn new things about recovery and changing your behaviors. You can come out the other side blinding with hope and dreams, you can move on with your life, share your story, make friends and be anything you believe. Remember that you are worth it every single day and even if you are not at a certain weight that doesn't mean that it should change your ways. Remember that even if your past was traumatic and torn and injured, your future can be bright and happy and full of pleasure. Remember that you deserve to be loved and everything will be okay, Because babygirl you are perfect in this moment in every single way. Being human is what's incredible about being alive on this world, allowing our creativity to constantly flow, love yourself treat yourself and allow yourself to grow. You never have to go back to that haunted bag of bones.