The end of me

I sit down on my bed thinking if I would ever feel appreciated in life, if I'll even be good enough for anyone especially my mother. I'm just a attention seeker who doesn't get enough attention at home so try to get from friends by doing stupid things. I always know that she will yell at me and tell me to do something but when do it it's never good enough. She never understands how hard I try because she is so busy with her work or complaining about me. It's a normal routine for ulme. I've tried everything to make her love me but I've never gotten any love back so try more stupid stuff like hating myself and blame myself for not being the perfect child she always wanted. I don't think she deserves anything anyway, no one does, no one has ever cared for me. I'm nothing but a disappointment, a disgrace who everyone hates because they can see my flaws, and they're all right too. Everyone knows what a b***h I am because I can never keep myself from doing stupid things. I have to take care of everyone around me and they don't deserve me, they only put up with me because no matter what say they want something else. They always want someone better but I know it won't happen. Everyone gives my brother the attention he's always the star. My mother loves him my father dose too, he always get what he wants because he's older than me or that's he a male. Like that matters. Ash this ash that "you should be more like your brother". No one cares what I think, they never thought about me. So after I finish crying for awhile I get out of bed and change into some clothes to go somewhere. I need time alone to think and clear my head. If I'm going to kill myself then maybe the last thing do before I do it will be the most satisfying one I've done. I hope that's what it takes to stop feeling like this forever. I grab my bag from under my bed because I don't want to leave without taking my phone. I don't want to leave the house without saying goodbye, I want to see them one last time. Maybe they'd understand why I have to do this now. They were great to me, but they also didn't show me how much they loved me so I don't deserve anyone anyways. It takes me almost an hour to get to the park near our house. This park isn't very popular because it's kinda dark and there are no trees here but that doesn't mean anyone likes it here. There was a large tree in the middle of this park which was close enough that I wouldn't bother walking past it. That' a great place to die. Once I sat down on the bench it took all my strength not to cry again. I don't think I could do this today, not tonight. Not anymore. I put the backpack on my lap and open it slowly so I won't tear up while I look through it. I pull out a small bottle, a razor blade, and another syringe. There wasn't enough alcohol in the bottle so I decided to use the razor blades instead, that way I won't break them on my wrist and bleed. Once I have everything ready I close my eyes, inhale deeply, and count to ten. One, two, three, four, five, six. When I reach seven I open my eyes and start cutting. After I cut deep enough, I put the bottles away in my bag and pick up the razor blades. I decide on a good location for the first cut, about 2 inches above the vein. It doesn't hurt as much if you cut just below your skin.