His Infertile Luna

Not Tight Anymore

The tears prick the corner of my eyes. They start to fall silently before it turns into torrents soaking through my shirt and blurring my vision.

Doctor Lin has become a blur before me. They leave warm trails down my face and as she wraps it all up, I cannot help the strangled cry that escapes my throat as I shatter into a million pieces before her.

I fall apart.

I hold a hand over my mouth as I shatter before her. The pain is unbearable. I hang my head in shame and I cannot help the cries that continue to rush out of me.

No, please Moon Goddess, no. They overwhelm me.

The doctor tries to offer some comfort but I pull back from her reach sharply like a wounded animal and she looks forlorn as she tries to read out all the possible alternatives to try and soothe my broken heart, but nothing will ever help. Nothing can ever help me.

I needed air.

I try to pick up the pieces of myself and the only way to do that is to run out of the doctor's office as fast as my legs will carry me. I stumble through her door into the waiting area.

I pass the pregnant woman and her mate talking to the receptionist out front and her eyes widen when she sees me sprint past her in tears. I am a bullet train heading towards the light at the end of the tunnel. Everyone has paused to look at me and I don't care. The minute I am outside I head for my car.

I am dying on the inside.

I stand on the sidewalk pacing. I run a shaky hand through my hair as I try and remember where I parked the f*****g car. Where is it?! Think Anna Mae!

"Car!"

I mouth to myself as I try to take in gulps of air. My stomach hurts and I rock back and forth on my heels distraught, trying to find my car. Just breathe Anna Mae I tell myself.

My breathing is erratic and the sun outside feels like a scorching pan. I finally get my bearings right, the silver car is parked a couple meters from me across the road.

I head towards it and manically dump all the contents of my purse onto the hood. I grab the shiny keys that stand out like a beacon among the miscellaneous items and hurriedly swipe the multitude of items back into my purse with one hand. I ignore the stray cherry lip balm that has fallen and rolled underneath the car to be forgotten.

Doctor Lin's voice is still in my head and I absentmindedly rub a hand against my flat, empty stomach and catch myself.

It will never be decorated with stretch marks. I angrily slam my hand against the hood of the car as the pain courses through me and cry. It will never be swollen, perfectly round with the skin stretched taunt and covered in breathable cute coloured maternity clothes.

The second I am in and the door closes behind me I release loud heart wrenching sobs. They rack my body as I curl up on the front seat and fall apart.

I cry for seconds and minutes that turns into hours. I was a lost cause. I could not go on.

When I finally get myself to sit upright, night has fallen.

I am a shell of myself. I lumber forward and lean against the seat. My chest burns and I sit there feeling like a zombie.

There is a numbness in me, down to my very core.

I close my eyes and pray to the Moon Goddess that somehow it wasn't real but the doctor's office from across the road is there like a neon sign telling me it was real.My eyes are swollen and my hair is everywhere. I couldn't care the least. The internal agony makes fresh tears spring forward and I choke on a silent sob. I swallow hard and I do not have anything left in me.

Staring at the darkness outside, I want to do only one thing in the almost empty parking lot.

I want to kill myself.

The feeling is overwhelming as I sit there knowing nothing will ever be the same.

I am not the same.

The question that stings the back of my throat is why me?

How do I ever tell anyone?

How do I tell James?

I check my phone but there isn’t any message from him.

How do I tell him that I failed him? There is no further use to my life.

It is empty, I am empty.

There is no further reason to live. My life has ended when it was supposed to start. There is nothing left in this world. We were supposed to have our second child by now.

I was created for this sole purpose and yet I somehow feel betrayed. I feel betrayed by my own body. That I cannot do what comes so easily to others.

I stare at the soft skin on my wrists and I do not fight the thought that invades my mind.

One minute you have it all and then the next it all comes crashing down around you, spiraling out of control.

I try to think of James probably at home waiting for me. James will know what to do.

We will talk about this and maybe he'll even run me a bath. I use all the willpower I have in me to shakily start the car.

I don't know if I have it in me to go on but I know I have to get home. More than anything I seek comfort. I wipe away the fresh tears forming and breathe through my mouth. I make my way home.

It takes me ten minutes sitting in the car outside the pack house and some foundation I stash in my car glove compartment to look somewhat decent and not look like I had been shattered into a million pieces.

My feet feel heavy as I walk. I answer fellow pack members like an answering machine, monotone and prerecorded, and then when I'm finally in our room, I rush to the bathroom.

I run the shower as cold as I can take it. Cold enough to numb everything. I sink to sit in the shower and pull my legs up to my chest. Somehow, this is all my fault. I come out wrapped in my towel and shivering.

I shake two of the sleeping pills that we got from the pack's doctor that had taken permanent residence in the back of our bathroom cabinet into the palm of my hands and I hurriedly swallow them.

I needed to not be awake. I find myself staring at the bottle too long and wondering how much would do it and how I would never have to wake up again .

I quickly place it back in the cabinet and avoid eye contact with the harrowed image staring back at me. I put on my light pink silk nightgown and dive into bed knowing James won't be in yet.

It gives me the reprieve to breathe. It gives me the time to stop and think of James and I's unconditional vows of forever.

I comfort myself into knowing that James loves me and I will be fine.

I float away and sleep a tormented sleep but when I wake up I can feel the familiar heat of his body against mine.

But the emptiness is still there, heavy and hollow. I bask in his body heat like a moth to a flame. I've missed the feeling of his body against mine and I shift against him greedily.

This was home.

James is fast asleep with his head tilted back against the pillow. His mouth is firm and jaw perfectly chiseled. I wrap my arms around him and dive into his muscular frame and breathe in his deep scent.

I've always thought of what a smaller version of him would look like running around, calling him dad.

I swallow the lump in my throat and bar off the events of yesterday. The thought of it made my heart start to race and the emptiness was threatening to swallow me whole.

He loves me and I love him more than anything. We will figure it out. Our mating vows were for better or worse.

Maybe he would even come with me to the doctor so she could break it down again for me. This time with him there and proper support I could actually listen.

I stare at the curve of his lips and I push forward to kiss him enjoying the soft feel of his lips against mine.

James groans and starts to stir and I can make out the traces of a smile on his lips. His eyes open and he looks so handsome.

I wiggle up closer along his chest and the sensation on my n*****s makes me press my thighs together.

His lips find mine to return a soft passionate kiss and it's our silent conversation.

Before I know it I am flipped under him and squirming against his hard body. He urgently slips the thin silk over my head and runs his hands over my body, creating little pricks of excitement along my skin.

He smiles smugly at me, knowing what he does to me. His lips are everywhere, on my neck, on my breasts, sucking and biting my n*****s and on the taunt skin of my stomach.

I feel the sweet shivers of our mate bond. I'm already wet and my excitement builds as he takes off his underwear and his large hard c**k stares at me. The swollen tip glistens with precum. My tongue darts to my lips and I shift impatiently under him.

He positions his hard c**k at my entrance and I clench expectantly. He wastes no time as he plunges into me hard and I moan out loud from the pleasure.

I feel the sting of him opening and filling me up. I arch my back to try and receive him. Every stroke is euphoria as my eyes roll into the back of my head and I clench around him, coming undone.

This is what I need right now.

I am a moaning mess as he starts to bottom out inside me. Pulling out and filling me up to the hilt. My breath hitches with every stroke and I dig my nails into his shoulder.

The slick sound of us joined fills the room.

But as he continues to plunge inside me, he puts on hand on the headboard above me and hisses. His rhythm has slowed down drastically almost to a stop as he harshly presses my thighs back and stares at where we're connected.

I think it's in pleasure until he curses and thrusts hard into me once more. His face scrunches in what I can only describe as disgust.

Our eyes lock and I can see the muscle twitch in his jaw and he looks furious. The s****l urgency in me is broken by confusion as I try to understand what's wrong.

" Your p***y is not even tight!" he says condescendingly, his voice rumbling above me as he makes eye contact with me.

At first I think I must have heard wrong.

" What?" I hear myself ask. There is a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach.

" You're not f*****g tight anymore. Your p***y is way too loose." He pulls out of me and roughly shoves my legs closed, fuming.

If I thought I fell apart yesterday, this was even worse.