The Unforgettable dark days

I was born in Namibia in a town called Katima Mulilo . Part of my lineage is from Zambia from my maternal side of the family. I never met my parents but growing up and the treatment I used to get made me realize that I don’t have parents though I never knew what it meant. I still have a memory of some things that happened long time ago. When I was 3 the moment my dad died , I and my uncle came to Namibia because my Dad was a Namibian and my mom a Zambian, we came illegally not by the border. I was so scared for myself as I didn’t know what was happening, crocodiles all over and hippopotamus everywhere. The water smelled so bad that I told my uncle that I want to go back because I don’t know where he was taking me. My uncle and the fisherman when all that was happening they stopped in the middle of the river, said some words in tongue then all of a sudden crocodiles and hippopotamus disappeared. We crossed until we reached the river edge in Namibia. Some car came to pick us up and went to the house. After some few hours, my uncle told me that , I am going to leave you at your grandmother’s house and you are going to stay there and you will only be visiting us in Zambia. I cried and cried telling him I don’t want to go since I don’t know her and I grew up with my uncle. As kids sometimes you know what’s good and bad for you. Little did I know that where I was going, change was imminent. Then we travelled to my grandmother’s village which is located in Bukalo. I saw a clay house for the first time in my life and i told my uncle that “no” I can not stay here saying “sinigona munyumbo ya madodi ” meaning I don’t sleep in a house that is built with mud. What more if the ants come for us . And my uncle told me that it’s a house as well just the same as the one built with bricks. We we reached the village and we had a warm welcom, my aunt gave me milk but my spirit was not okay with her. I sensed some evil in her. Later on that day my uncle traveled back living me behind with my grandmother and my aunties. Little did I know it’s the start of everything. After a month a spiritual ceremony happened for the passing of my dad , where by they divide the fortune amongst families, sons and daughters of the late. I was introduced to all my siblings where I have 13 siblings but unfortunately I lost 3 siblings during the past years . We were all young by the time my father passed away . They had a family meeting where by they decided to divide us like who is going to take us in their homes , like each should take maybe 1 or 2. As a child and a last born of 12 I really didn’t know what was happening exactly. I just found myself staying with my father’s first cousin, he was one of the traditional leaders for the king. I just used to be home all day and every Saturday my grandmother used to pass by where I was staying , taking me along with her to church , by that time I was already 5 years . I grew up knowing Christ and that every Saturday I must go to church . I was stopped by my uncle and his wife. That at the end my grandmother stopped talking with my uncle because they quarreled about my pension money which I don’t even know what it meant. On this other day I got so sick that they laid me in a traditional shower. No one cared about my health imagine I was just 5 ?still breaks my heart. Only one kind lady who heard me crying and decided to come take me to the clinic , I still thank her for saving my life though I don’t remember her face anymore. I was being mistreated at my uncle’s house that neighbors started telling my grandmother to go take me before I die in their hands. But my grandmother turned a blind eye because of everything that happened. That she ended up not caring about me anymore and if I ever existed. When my uncle noticed about on going rumors , he relocated me deep down to his village. I was bullied by his grandchildren that they were told not to sure any sympathy because I was no one and I was an orphan. I still remember I only had 2 outfits, the 2 piece brown in color when I go somewhere and at home I had like a white shirt with stripes and white short with stripes. Same story when ever I get sick I am placed in the traditional shower up to now I still don’t know the reason why. A year passed I was 6 years old and I never went to kindergarten like other kids did, already by that year I was supposed to be in Primary. One of my father’s first cousin’s son visited the village, he realized that I was brilliant enough for me to start going to school , he arranged everything then I started going to school. The moment he traveled back . My uncle lost my certificate on purpose so I stop going to school. I dropped out of school then I became a calf header. I became a house girl that I started cooking for my age mates who were going to school, some of my second cousins used to beat me up for no reason, being bullied and sometimes slept outside. After some months, my father’s first cousin’s son came back home and asked if I am still going to school and how things are going . I told him I stopped as for me I really don’t know what happened specifically maybe to ask my uncle. Then after a week I was told to go back to school again. The moment he went back , the same story happened again. I had to drop out and continue being a house girl. We started going to the kraal almost every month to take care of the cattle. My sisters started to wonder if I am okay , they would go to the village where I was and just to be told that I am not around they should just go back and I got used to that lifestyle. I hated everyone, I never wanted to see anyone and instead I started enjoying the life of living in hell. I was a dirty girl with cracked heels. A lot of bad things happened in that year. I lived a miserable life. Luckily, the following year came,on my way going to the kraal, I saw this other man with a bicycle coming straight to our house, it was just me and the cattle headers , I asked him what he wanted because my uncle, his wife and kids were not at home if he came to look for them. The man told me that “no,” I was sent by your grandmother to come take you to her, you are moving in with your grandmother now. I told him that I can’t go otherwise I will be in trouble, and I don’t want to get myself in trouble. The man just told me to climb on his bicycle because I should not worst such an opportunity. The man was even like is this you, why are you dirty like that as if you don’t bath all the time, you are still young to go through all this, I am so heartbroken, if your dad was alive , all this could not be happening. Being an orphan is not an easy task. We cycled to my grandmother’s village, it’s about 25 kilometers. I found my grandmother under a tree with my two aunties, my grandmother cried for me , asked what was really going on ? I told her the whole story and she told me that , that’s how you learn and grow into a strong woman , that’s not suffering. They welcomed me with maize and sugarcane and it was that time for harvest . I was given a proper shower. They arranged everything for me to start going to school. My other aunt was so good to me that I thought-at least I will experience some love even for the first time in my life. Little did I know that she will be the one putting my life in hell. I was so excited when they bought me school stuff like everything new , I couldn’t even sleep at night knowing ‘yes I am going to school. Though I started late but since I was a brilliant child I caught up with the others. I started my school at Bukalo Primary School . My teachers loved me so much that she started telling other students to be like me, such a brilliant child, you have a brighter future ahead of you, continue being like that. I was impressed , given gifts and food from my teacher. That’s when I was still in grade one, always I used to come first . The year ended and I became the best performer at school and in my class. My aunt was the one representing me for the ceremony that happened, where they were giving certificates , we went to the same school with her daughter and by that time she was in grade 4. She was so happy even called me my daughter . The following year her daughter was transferred to another school and I was still at the same school. My aunt started showing her true colors, my grandmother would beat me almost everyday because my aunt either told her something which I don’t even know. I continued being that brilliant girl I was at school . At some point I knew I was a stubborn child but the mistreatment was more than that . My aunt sometimes would call me to her house on purpose, just to make me seat on her chair, stands behind me, tells me to pick up a cup and turn it around, just to complicate things, if I don’t do it right, she would pick it up and hit me with it in my head, and imagine it was ceramic, up to now I still have the golf scar in the middle of my head. I ran crying to my grandmother,she asked me what happened, I told her it was her daughter, she just told me, it’s okay my child don’t worry, everything will be fine. Continuing, with me going to school , she started coming early to my grandmother’s house just to shame me, and tells me to change what I am wearing , and I would wear something that does not make sense at all so I get laughed at school. But my performance increased and increased, all that started frustrating her, this other day I was so happy when I came back at school, just to feel the shamboke at my back, it was my grandmother, she asked why are you stealing for your teacher now, when did you start being a thief? I cried and cried . Then my aunt was like yeah , I told your grandmother that you stole money from your teacher’s Wallet, you see your life now, all that was a lie because I had to confirm from my teacher if she told my aunt something .I never stole money and I was never a thief. She just started being jealous of me because of how everyone at school loved me . When ever my grandmother traveled , she took advantage, beat me up on unnecessary things, not giving me food , punished me and said terrible words. This is where my sister came in. At least by that time my sister was a bit grown , she was in grade 9 . Now she started to take me along where ever she goes. Because she knew leaving me in my aunt’s hands will be another story, She was so wicked. I and my sister started receiving the Pension money that my dad left for us.For us to pay for our tuition fees and buy school things and my grandmother was the one in charge to get it for us since we were still under age. It became a problem that my aunt started being in charge of receiving it. This other day my grandmother traveled out of the region to another region as her daughter was at the edge of dying , she went for almost two months. Everything was left in my aunt’s hands, money and food. It was winter time, what she did is, she only bought things for her daughter and her two sons using our money. She starved us to death , never bought winter clothes for my sister and I, we would walk bear foot to school and it was like 5 kilometers from our village. When ever she felt like she would tell us words like’ I wish they stop giving you my brother’s money so you starve to death, you guys don’t even deserve it, look at you , same like crocodiles, you don’t even have use in this world and called us different offensive names that you just start crying. Insulted us how ever she felt like. My grandmother came back and we told her everything , she was so furious about everything that our aunt did . Then she decided to give us money to go buy everything that we were supposed to buy or things that we don’t have. I came back alone and I left my sister as she was going for camp meeting. In the village my aunt’s house was the first one you get, I was passing by with my plastic bags, she called me to come to her house before I reach my grandmother so she sees what we bought. Started opening all the plastics and she was like what is this , you kids are wasting my brother’s money, why do they not just stop giving it to you. I will arrange it so they stop giving you money because its useless and if you tell my mom about this , you already know what I will do to you. Then I continued to my grandmother’s house, I was down and never looked happy. My grandmother asked why do I look sad, I just told her nothing, because I know even if I tell her she will not do anything as usual. Life continued being miserable as long she was around and we had no where to go. I and my sister grew up taking care of each other, being an orphan is not easy because everyone forgets you the moment you lose your parents. By God’s grace my sister reached high school and she was admitted in the hostel and I was still in primary I was just committed to my studies. In my grade 7 I was even given a chance to write the national examinations that will take me to Vision school, one of the best schools in Namibia. But unluckily I did not get admission, so my sister suggested that I had to be taken to one of the best school in town. Unfortunately My aunt rejected it , that I am going to finish my school in the village not in town. But to my surprise her daughter was taken in town. I continued my secondary school at Sanjo senior secondary school in the same village where I started my primary. I got an admission In the hostel. New life, new school, new faces and new teachers. I was scared in the first place but I got used. I just used to go once a month to go visit my grandmother. I have a sister from my mother’s side, she started supporting me from Secondary maybe once or twice in a year , I just used to live on hostel food. I started stressing after I see how other kids are being loved by their families, the support they got and how they were living life. I cried night and day asking why God hates me so much after all I believed in him that one day everything will be okay . That was the year 2011. When I was in my eighth grade . Unfortunately I lost the most important people that I had high hopes that maybe they were the ones who were going to take care of me after I am done with high school. I made it through to grade 9, same school New faces again , some students were from town that failed and they come to repeat in the village. I was scared of such students because I didn’t know how to speak English . But later on we started hanging out together , as you already know how kids who grew up in town are perceived to be more wise and know a lot of things than us in the village. I stopped going to church because I was enjoying the life of going out , drinking alcohol and sneaking out of the hostel that at the end I failed my grade in 2012. My aunt was so happy when she heard all of that . Luckily my uncle , you still remember the first uncle the one in Zambia came to Namibia. Then he told me not to be changed by other kids , or to be pressured by what I see Sometimes it might look good but in the end it will destroy you , focus on your school , I believe you are a good child. So I was transferred to town. In the year 2013 ,Then I was told I am going to stay with my father’s younger brother and his wife. In 3 months , things started changing, I was starved that what they cared was only for their daughter, they had a restaurant in town that only their daughter use to go the and eat not caring about other people at home . I became so lonely that I thought maybe life will be different this time around. I continued staying at their house , went to school . By God’s grace I was helped by different types of people and strangers by that matter. These people believed so much in God , but most people suspected them of spirituals. This other time came people from Zambia/ Lusaka. I was told that they wanted to take me along to Lusaka , they believed I had demons. I escaped and went to my sister’s place who was staying 6 kilometers out of town. Most of people who stayed at their house , no one is alive but I have a feeling that they are coming for me but luckily I met prayers full people at church .on going I passed my grade 9 and continued to my grade 10 in 2014. I decided to go stay with my sister , the one who stays 6 kilometers away from town . I used to walk to school as it was located in town and it was not safe for a lady to walk alone. I used to walk pass by of the bush as it was the short cut to my school. I woke up at 3/4 to start preparing myself as I knew my journey was a bit long. My sister was working by that time, people started to tell her to look for me a taxi that will be taking me to school because it was not safe out there for me walking to school along in the middle of nowhere. Then the following month , I started going with a taxi atlist I could wake up at 6 in the morning. Again just after two month I stopped caving because my sister stopped paying the taxi driver. I started walking again to school, but all My grades were so good to go. I passed my secondary at went back to the same high school I was a year ago in the village. I was welcomed, teachers missed and they all hoped I am good learner now . The year 2015, I started my high school. I was a changed person with so much dignity, that I was chosen as one of the LRC at school . But I needed support, who will be supporting ? I know you asked yourself like where are your siblings. My siblings are in Windhoek and they don’t care about anything either you are struggling or not. I got used and accepted that I don’t have anyone, who ever comes my way to help I will accept as I didn’t have any choice. I struggled here and there. Went back to my grandmother to ask for money so as to buy cosmetics and food . Sometimes she would give me but sometimes she would tell me that my same aunt took her whole money and she is broke. This other time I decided to visit my grandmother, during night time we were sleeping , she told me that , my child do you know that your father’s money is still there, just arrange your papers, go to GIPF and sort out your things, soon you will turn 18 and you will have access to your money , don’t tell your aunt or anyone about it. It will help you after high school. I did according to how she instructed me. I waited for almost a year , things were just complicated that I wanted to give up . The year 2016, I was in my matric year. In August then I received a notification about the money I claimed a year ago, I was so shocked,and happy at the Same time like at last because I was so worried about what will I do after matric. I wrote my final examination but I didn’t meet my requirements. I cried so much that I wanted to commit suicide. Because I knew that was the end of everything for me, since no one cared . Luckily I received a call from one of my brother’s asking how did do . I explained and I asked if I can come stay with him and his wife in the city to come and upgrade since it wasn’t that bad. He accepted. I traveled to the city, he picked me up from the buses. In the morning he just told me to do things for my own because he will not help me. Imagine i did not know well about the city or where to go. I managed to catch a cab and told it to take me to a specific place I wanted to go which is Tucson. We drove and I was dropped. I got some people I know from my previous school then I was relieved. I managed to register and paid for myself . At my brother’s house was like I just went there to stay nothing else. I made sure i provided everything for myself, taxi money, cosmetics and school accessories. Everything was going well, but my brother used to threaten me that I should not dare to try visit one of my sisters otherwise he will chase me out of his house , I really don’t know what happened between them, but I started sneaking out to go see them once in a month.because they started wondering also why I don’t call or visit them but we are in the same city. I didn’t say anything because I was scared , if I am being chased where will I go? Then some months passed my brother called me asking me about the money I received, and asked for my bank statement but instead I kept ignoring him because I didn’t see the use of me providing all that information if I am busy paying for all my bills. Little did I know that he was plotting something for me just to chase me out of his house, he succeeded in his plan, accused me of something I would never do, then next day I moved out, my other sister took me in though she was still a student in her final year. She did some piece works and I helped her too with the money I had. And the following year I made it to University, i qualified in a diploma in Statistics since I am good at mathematics. I tried to apply for student loan but unfortunately I was not accepted as my things were complicated. Just to find out that my full birthday, the names of my mother which are the, there are not her real names and they wanted her death certificate which I never had . I ran up side down seeking for help but no one was willing to help. I had to pay for my tuition fee for the whole year, imagine how expensive everything was. At the end of the year I passed my first year but now my sister couldn’t continue staying with me as she stopped working and she couldn’t afford for both of us. I had to look for a cheap place to rent to share with someone to divide the amount . I moved in with the girl I got. First four month we starved as the pension fund only gives you money once you provide proof of registration. Good Samaritans helped us during that four months period. I received my Pension fund money as she did as well. We bought food and continued with life. This other time I became so stranded that I decided to ask help from one of my brothers. There was no response, tried to ask one of my aunties who is working no response. I broke into tears as my money was also finishing , at school I just used to sit alone, I was depressed, emotionally drained, mentally disturbed as lot was going on in my life. I had no one to talk to , all the friends I had ,whenever I tell them my story , they use it against me. Laughed at that I have no one , mistreated how ever they felt like because I thought telling them would help me. I am an aggressive person, I don’t want to be told, always thinking negative because of everything that I have been going through since my childhood. I failed some modules the same year and I had to repeat the following year. I had one of the lectures who was teaching me English for academic purposes. He called me this other time after my class to his office. He asked me who are you, who is your father, are you staying with one of of your brothers? I told him no, or you are staying with the other one , I said no too. Now who are you staying with? I told him I am renting. And he continued asking how are you paying for your tuition and rent ? I told him I am using the money that my father left for me. He told me I am a brave young girl. All with what ever you are going through, if it was for someone, the person could not manage. I am happy for you , you are now in University. I will try to make arrangements for you so I talk to one of your brothers, you can’t be suffering while they are all working and have houses in Windhoek. I wanted to disagree but I let him do as he pleases. After a week he called me to his office and told me he has good news for me, actually I am going to stay with one of my brothers. Though I was not happy because I felt like they did not do it willingly but instead it’s like someone convinced them. After a month passed. I went to go stay with my brother, his wife, housekeeper and his 2 sons. I was so happy that finally I felt like having a complete family, my life will change. But things just got worse. We were staying outside Windhoek like 45 kilos going to my school and obvious I can’t walk so I will be needing transport every day . My brother’s wife was working at the same university I used to attend , so it was easier and better for me at list I can go with her in the morning. Too bad my classes were ending late and she couldn’t wait for me. So my lecture and his wife made arrangements also to be helping me where they can. This other day I decided to show my brother my timetable for him to know why I always come late at home because my classes were ending late. He told me so much terrible things that I could not believe if he is my own brother. His wife also started bad mouthing and shading me in such a way that she wanted to separate me with the good people who decided to help me than my own family. I moved out. I decided to look for piece works and do online marketing. I succeeded. As I am talking to you now I have two online business and I am now doing my honors degree. Light at the end.?