I am the Night - the last She-Wolf

Chapter 4 - Different

The cold surface of the metal table feels smooth under my fingertip. Slowly, constantly I draw a crooked circle on its surface while I wait.

Once we made it back to the village they immediately took me to the headquarters. Now I’m being held in one of their questioning rooms.

The faint smell of blood and bleach clinging to the walls. They don’t take too kindly on traitors or enemies. No mercy. Just the regular cruelty sticking to every inch of the room.

Somewhere in the distance, I can hear muffled voices. Someone is yelling questions. I hear the dull sound of fists connecting with flesh. I wonder if they caught the wolf and now they brought him in for questioning.

I hope he got away, but he was hurt and maybe he was too slow to get away in time. Maybe they caught up with him and now they’ll torture him in one of these rooms.

I sigh and let myself fall back in the uncomfortable chair. There’s still blood on my hands. It sprinkled the sleeves of Cillian's jacket. I inspect the tiny spots on the thick fabric. Barely noticeable but they are there. I hesitate before I lift the sleeve to my nose and carefully sniff it.

A weird cocktail of blood, almond, and frosty woods hit my senses. But mostly it smells of Cillian. His familiar scent intensifies as I hear footsteps approach. It’s him but he’s not alone.

With a loud metallic creek the door opens and a man steps inside. Followed by Cillian. His eyes meet mine. Ashamed. Scared. I slowly tear my eyes from his and take in the man standing tall at the other side of the table.

His head is shaven clean. Blue eyes cold and filled with vicious excitement. He’s in the usual green and brown uniform Hunters wear. But I can tell by the number of stars on his shoulder pad that he outranks Cillian.

He seems like the kind of man who’s easily intoxicated by power. Hungry for more. He is someone I don’t particularly want to spend any amount of time with.

His fingertips touch the table and a wicked smile slowly creeps over his lips. “Mika,” he says my name slow, but full of violent promises. “Mika, Mika, Mika,” he starts shaking his bald head. The neon light above reflects on his shiny skin. Creating a weird halo around him.

“Are you aware of how much trouble you caused tonight? Didn’t we take good care of you? Saved your life? And you try to run away from us? Don’t you think that’s a little ungrateful,” he points at Cillian, who is silently standing by the door, “saving your life cost him too. Disobeying orders isn’t a habit we like to practice around here. Are you aware of what he did for you? Of the sacrifices that were made for you?”

I look over at Cillian. But he refuses to meet my gaze. His stays fixed on a spot somewhere behind me. “You belong to us!” the man says and before I can think about disrespecting the man, I scoff out loud. I’m not some sort of property.

Something cold gleams in the man's eyes as his hand shoots out and takes hold of my jaw. Squeezing his strong fingers to dig into my skin. “That’s funny to you?”, he says way too calmly. The tone in his voice did not match the look in his eyes.

“I don’t belong to you,” I mutter.

“You are dead to society. You have no one. You owe us your life.”

“No,” I say.

His fingers let go of me only so the back of his hand can connect with my cheek. Forcefully. My head snaps to the side and my cheek burns from the impact.

“Let’s try this again,” he says, crossing his hands behind his back as he starts circling the table. “Let’s recap the night, shall we? You broke into a restricted area-,” I huff quietly and turn to Cillian. He told on me. He told them I was in the library. He sighs and carefully, almost unnoticeable shakes his head.

“Later that night you argued with Cillian. Doubting our purpose. Am I right?”

“Does my answer matter?”

“No,” he chuckles.

I wince when his hand touches my shoulder. Just a light press. But there’s a threat to his touch.

“You are not supposed to know about the secrets we hold. They are kept for a reason. They are part of our society. They belong to the Hunters and as far as I know, you are neither a Hunter nor are you part of our society. You are merely a guest.”

“Well then, I guess I overstayed my welcome. I can-,” before I can finish the sentence, he hits me again. And this time I can taste blood.

I was within a few feet of a wolf tonight. He didn’t even give me a scratch. Yet here I am in the presence of humans and I am bleeding. Ironic, isn’t it?

“Let me rephrase that,” the man says calmly rubbing his hands together, “you are the only female known to have survived a Lycan attack. Your blood shows similarities to that of a Lycanthrope, yet you haven’t changed. You stayed human. You should be grateful for that.”

“Not sure I am,” I whisper to myself.

“You sympathize with the enemy?” he challenges and I bravely lift my gaze to meet his. “Are you the enemy, Mika? Are you a spy?”

“A spy?” I can’t help but laugh, “sure, I sneak out there to meet up with my furry friends to tell them about the fascinating stories I read in your library. About witches with made-up names. I tell them about all the bullshit I find around here and boy are they grateful for all the information I collected.”

“Sarcasm won’t get you anywhere,” he snaps and hits me again. I spit blood on the floor and let my head hang. “There was a wolf out in the woods tonight,” he continues, “I am sure you are fully aware of that.”

“Am I?” I sigh.

“Tell me what you know!” he spits and forces me to look at him, “tell me what you were doing with the wolf!”

“Belly rubs,” I really should shut up. I should learn to not just say what pops into my mind. Especially when this man is about to beat it right out of me.

“Sir,” I hear Cillian’s voice, after another blow, “I told you the Lycan was hurt. He was too weak to harm her.”

“Yet he got away,” the man hisses, “stay out of this Cillian. I allowed you to be present because I respect you. I will however throw you out in an instant. Can you handle my methods? Can you handle seeing her getting hurt?” The man pulls on my hair, twisting my head, so I have to look at Cillian.

He struggles to look at me but he forces himself to take in my bloodied face. “I’m fine, Sir,” he finally says through gritted teeth.

And just to demonstrate who is in charge, the man hits me again. It’s painful. It burns and stings but I refuse to show him any kind of emotion. I won’t cry in front of them. I won’t waste a single tear for them. Won’t give them the satisfaction.

“How did he escape from the trap?”

“I don’t know,” I mumble, as my lips start to swell.

“I think you helped him.”

“So, I could get eaten? Why would I get close to that thing? After what his kind did to me?”

“Ah, yes, what they did to you,” his fingers brush over the scars on my cheek, “I bet you hate them.” I stay silent. “So why would you leave the safety of the town?”

“I didn’t have a reason,” I answer the question. It wasn’t the right answer.

Knuckles connect with my jaw. It feels like my bone is slowly breaking under the impact.

My heartbeat picks up. Fear and rage twist and turn my insides.

“Why would I want to leave this lovely place?” I mutter coughing up blood.

“You are keeping something from us,” he whispers dangerously into my ear, “I can smell a lie from a mile away and you reek of it.”

“I’m... not lying,” I struggle to speak. It hurts to move my jaw, “I didn’t think. I... I was upset,” I say, “with him,” I try to focus on Cillian, but my vision is blurry now.

“Hmm,” the man says and lets go of me.

I slump into the chair and try not to move. Not to breathe. Not to think. Because everything I do hurts.

“He is quite handsome, isn’t he?” he says, “I wonder if you’d fantasize about him. About the man who saved your life.” A cold laugh echoes through the room, “yet, you don’t seem to be pleased to be alive. Always complaining. It’s annoying. Isn’t it, Cillian?”

“I... I couldn’t say.”

“Yes, you can. She’s ungrateful. She disrespected you. She is annoying you! You are kind enough to take pity on her and here she is, lying to us. All this time you wasted on her. I bet you are aware that she has feelings for you, aren’t you?”

“I don’t think so,” Cillian says slowly.

“No,” the man laughs, “I wouldn’t want to be seen with such an abomination as well,” he says and his words cut right through me.

It’s true. I wondered about Cillian. A lot. But I’ve also always been very aware of the differences between us. Of how he’s loyal to his cause. Of how pretty he is and the girls swooning over him.

I am aware. Yet it hurts to hear it like that. To be called an abomination, because of something that wasn’t my fault at all.

“He should have just let me die,” I mumble.

“That can be arranged,” the man turns back to me.

“Promises, promises,” I sigh through swollen lips. His hands close around my throat, cutting off my air. I start choking, as he squeezes harder.

Out of the corner of my bloodshot eyes, I see Cillian twitch. He’s struggling to watch this.

I don’t care anymore. I try to calm my body down. Try to let the darkness –my old friend- take over. Try to let it embrace me and take me away from this place. Finally, carry me to freedom.

“Take her to her cell!” the man spits. Without another word, he leaves the room.

Silence.

I struggle to breathe. To move. To feel anything but betrayal and pain.

“Come on,” Cillian carefully tries to help me out of the chair, but I shake his hand off my shoulder and with all the strength I can bring up, rise to my feet. For about two seconds I hold myself upright.

He catches me and sighs softly. “I’m sorry,” he whispers almost inaudibly. Not to my ears though. To me, his voice sounds as sharp as ever. Maybe a little dull, due to the beating I just took. But still. I heard him. I’m just not sure what it means. I’m not sure his words hold any weight anymore.

I let him lead me out of the holding cell. I don’t care where he’s taking me, because I know it won’t get any better for me. I know I have overstepped my limits. I know I am no longer a guest. I am now a prisoner.

“Sit,” Cillian orders, but my body just slumps down on a relatively soft mattress. I’m not fully aware of where I am or where he has taken me.

“I didn’t tell him about the library,” he says, “he already knew. He knew everything. They’ve been keeping a close eye on you. I swear I didn’t know.”

I stay silent. I don’t care what he has to say. I don’t need an apology from him. I just want to leave this place. Once and for all.

“I didn’t tell him anything,” he sighs and I wince as a wet cloth touches my face. He’s wiping up the blood on my skin. “I... gosh, I’m so sorry. This was probably the hardest thing I’ve ever had to witness, but I needed to... if I had left, they wouldn’t let me near you again.”

I push his hand away and open my eyes. He’s crouching in front of me with a pained expression on his face. I believe him. I believe he’s sorry. I’m just not sure what that means anymore.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers and gently places his hand on my bruising cheek. “You want to rest?”

I hesitate for a moment before I take his hand and push it down to my throat, “finish it,” I whisper, “please!” I beg but he lets go immediately. Almost stumbles away from me as if my skin burned his.

“I’m not going to kill you!”

“You might as well,” I sigh and lower my head, “you’ve heard him. I’m done.”

“He was trying to scare you.”

“I’m not scared of him. I’m scared of staying alive. I don’t want this anymore. Everything is a lie. You are lying to me!”

“So are you,” he says and leans down, lifting my gaze to meet his, “that wolf was protecting you,” he says, “I’ve never seen anything like it. But it was protecting you! Why?”

“An eye for an eye,” I say.

“What does that mean?”

“I freed him,” I confess, “he was trapped and I freed him.”

“Why would you do that? Do you have any idea how dangerous that was?”

“I didn’t care,” I breathe and lean back against the cool wall behind me. “I just don’t care. It’s either staying here and suffocating in boredom. Just exist for no reason at all or be out there and at least have a life.”

“You have a life here.”

“No,” I say slowly, achingly shaking my head, “you have a life here and I know it means everything to you. You never question what they do. You just... you’re loyal. Too loyal for your own good.”

“What's that supposed to mean? I am trying to protect people from what’s out there.”

“And what if we don’t need protecting from the big bad wolf? What if humans are just as bad?”

“You don’t mean that!”

“Look at me,” I whisper, “I’ve spent about thirty minutes with that wolf and he had every chance to rip me to pieces. He didn’t. Then I come here and this happens,” I point at my face, “we are no better than the wolves and if you saw what I saw tonight you should start asking questions instead of following them around like a puppet.”

“What makes you think I don’t already know all the answers to those questions?”

“Then tell me,” I whisper.

“Not every wolf is the same,” he says after a moment of hesitation, “there are those who don’t hesitate to attack anything that’s moving. Viciously. We categorize them. From almost civilized too wild.”

“The wolf understood me,” I say, “he didn’t seem as primitive as those books say they are.”

“Some are. Not all of them, though. We usually cross paths with the wild ones. The ones that seem out of control. Your turn. Why would you save the wolf?”

“I felt sorry for him.”

“Why? After what you’ve been through? Why not hate them?”

“I don’t hate you after what that man did to me,” I say and he stays silent for a long moment. “Why won’t you just let me go?” I sigh and finally those tears I’ve been holding back come streaming down my cheeks.

“Because I care about you,” he says carefully.

“You can stop now,” I say, trying to quickly dry my skin.

“And that’s for you to decide? What I feel and why?”

“Yes,” I breathe, “it is cruel. Don’t you get that? He was right, you know?”

His eyes stay fixed on mine, “about what exactly?”

“About you taking pity on me.”

“I do not pity you, Mika!” he sounds serious, “I admire you,” he says, “you are the bravest person I know.”

“No,” I say shaking my head, “stop lying to me,” I cry.

“You survived the impossible.”

“That only makes me stubborn,” I mutter and he laughs.

“Yeah, no kidding,” he chuckles, and a weak smile forms on my swollen lips. “You should really start thinking about what comes out of your mouth. Especially, when you are being interrogated.”

“I didn’t do anything wrong.”

“You set off the alarm. You helped a Lycan escape and you disrespected a high-ranking member of the Hunter society.”

“He didn’t know I helped the wolf. Will you tell him?”

“No, but he suspected it. There are tracks all over the snow, Mika. Yours and the wolf’s.”

“Maybe he wanted a belly rub?”

“Mika,” he sighs my name, wanting me to stay serious.

“What if I am different?” I ask my voice barely a whisper.

“What do you mean?”

“My blood says that there is a part of me that has changed, right?” Cillian slowly nods. “What if that’s not all?”

“What do you mean?”

“Things are different,” I tell him, “my senses have improved. I can hear better, smell better and sometimes I can sense things... emotions. I am different. I can feel it in every fiber of my being and I know if anyone would find out that I can do these things I... I won’t ever make it out of their torture chambers.”

He’s silent. Maybe it was a mistake to tell him. But does it make any difference now? I will be locked up one way or another. So why not tell the truth?

“Cillian?” I carefully ask.

“Have you ever transformed?”

“No,” I say shaking my head, “I don’t think I can.”

“Could you communicate with the Lycan?”

“Not really. I just talked to him and it felt like he understood what I was saying. Like I’m talking to you. Just that he couldn’t speak. Just huff and growl. Maybe I made that all up, but it felt like... I somehow felt drawn to him,” I confess, “maybe that’s why I helped him escape the trap. I don’t know if it’s because of what happened to me or simply because I don’t think twice before I do something stupid, but-,”

“Stop talking!” he stops me and slowly stands up, “I can’t know all of that,” he says, “I can’t know!”

“What?” I ask surprised by his sudden urge to bold. He’s been asking me about what's going on. He’s been bugging me about telling him these things and now he doesn’t want to know?

It takes a moment before it finally clicks. He doesn’t want to know because he has to tell them. Tell the man who just beat me up, just because I jumped over a stupid wall.

“No,” I breathe, “you can’t tell anyone,” I reach out for his wrist, “you can’t, Cillian!”

He presses his lips into a thin line and I know I’ve lost this little fight. I’ve lost him. He’s not loyal to me. All the hoping and wishing.

I knew better! I knew he wouldn’t take my side. Telling him the truth will lead to a new round of probing and testing.

“Please,” I beg. I watch him swallow hard before he slowly shakes his head and backs away from me. “Cillian!” I say and with all the strength I have left in me I stand up.

“I have to leave and you need to... you need to rest!” He stumbles over his words before he leaves and shuts the door behind him.

“No,” I breathe out slowly and make it to the door. It’s locked.