A “Dead” End

Chapter 2

My life changed overnight, the day I came in contact with “the voice”……unfortunately, it turned out to be the opposite of what I had thought at the time. He spoke to me every night, asking me about my day…..anything new I’d learned. He always encouraged me to do better, motivated me if ever I was feeling down, complimented me on a job well done…..I eagerly waited for my daily talks with him. It was like I was not alone anymore, if I had a father I imagined him to be just like my friend “voice”……loving, caring and protective. He taught me to conquer my fears…..even the most dreaded “dark room”. 

He taught me coping mechanisms to overcome the fear I felt for that dreaded place. I trusted him more than anyone, more than myself…..so when he told me that I was here for my own protection, I stopped questioning the teachers & guards. When he told me that I’d be able to leave here once I turn 18, I stopped fussing and put all my heart and mind into learning everything I could…….absorbing all the knowledge I could . Be the best version of myself and make him proud. He was my light in the dark, my boat in high waters, he was everything…. The only one who mattered……..

Life did not seem that bad once I accepted that staying here was in my best interests, in fact I started looking forward to all my classes…..the training…..secret projects…..everything brought me one more step closer towards my freedom. I was also waiting for the day I can meet him face to face. What does he look like, I often wondered? Is he tall or short?.....slim or fat?.... does he have all his hair or is he bald like some of the teachers and guards here….no matter what he looked like, I knew he would have kindness in his eyes…….for eyes are the reflection of our inner self. 

I turned 12 recently, now I was starting to face certain problems I did not know how to deal with? I could not sleep all night because of stomach cramps, this morning I did not want to wake up as I was still feeling lousy…..I still pushed through sleep and fatigue to get up and get ready to face the day but I almost fainted at the sight of blood…..so much blood…..I panicked immediately, am I dying? What is happening to me?....the more I tried to think through the daze I was in, the more difficult it was becoming  to breathe…….suddenly I remembered “his” techniques to channel my fears. 

It was only after I relaxed and started to calm down, I could think logically….. I was able to diagnose the problem, once I was able to be rational. So this is how a period feels like…….I have my first menses. I cleaned my surroundings, change my bedsheet and took it in the washroom to clean it, while I take a bath. I realized that I would need some kind of sanitary products…..pads or tampons. I called for a teacher to request the necessary supplies and somehow managed to complete my daily routine, despite the pain. By day end I was cramping badly, bleeding heavily, tired and lonely and like magic his voice came through the intercom……

My mood lifted up automatically and without any hint of embarrassment I relayed everything to him……from my period and pain to my growing breasts…..I did not feel comfortable with the way some of the teachers and guards stare at my chest when I take combat training or physical education and gymnastics. He soothed my concerns right away……it’s all part of life princess…..as you get older your body changes…..growing breasts, having periods….etc., it happens. Harassment, body shaming, bullying they are all evil acts but people commit them……you have to make yourself strong….. mentally and physically to challenge these evils, do not be embarrassed…..do not break down…..never let these monsters know that you are bothered by them. You have nothing to feel ashamed off…..not your body, not your gender……..absolutely nothing. 

You are trained in fighting……fight for yourself and those who are not able to defend themselves for any number of reasons………as for the teachers and guards who are shameless enough to objectify a child in any manner, s****l or otherwise, are no better than rapists, pedophiles, predators……..they will all be taken care off…….

His words filled me with strength and determination to be strong and face any challenges life throws my way…….Next morning one of my teachers brought me some training bras and sports bras to help me during physical training and otherwise. While there were no changes in my daily routine, I noticed that all the teachers were paying more attention towards my needs and requirements…..like different sizes of bras and sports bras as needed, sanitary napkins and other personal hygiene supplies each month….etc. I never saw those males….teachers and guards that I was uncomfortable with….I felt cared for and wanted to show my appreciation so I started focusing more on my physical and mental strengths. 

I have a photographic memory and can read abnormally fast, these abilities made studying easier for me but I have a petite and delicate looking body so I really needed to work on building muscles strength, increasing my speed……flexibility and pain tolerance. I get up even earlier that I already do and add running to my daily routine....I started training myself like an athlete, a runner. I also start weight training to build my muscle strength. I started doing yoga and gymnastics to increase my agility and flexibility. I trained myself to decrease my pain perception and started increasing the intensity of my workout routine. I also started practicing mental imagery to help increase my tolerance towards pain. I also needed to concentrate more on making my mind sharper. I also needed to concentrate more on making my mind sharper…..more focused and in control so I could survive any kind of circumstances…….