I Was Here

Yellow and Orange Sky

Yellow and Orange Sky

Saturday 5:20 PM, I stand beside the Saturday 5:20 PM, I stand beside the open window of the bedroom. At one moment I was hypnotized by how aesthetically the sunset paints the sky yellow and orange. The sky is covered with yellow and orange color, and there are some patches of grayish dark blue color across the sky. Orange and dark gray clouds enormously scatter onto the sky. And from where the sun sets, the yellow sunlight is like a massive fire burning and strongly sprawling onto the clouds. It is beautiful, the sunset is always beautiful.  

I remember the old days when I would have a joy ride with a motorcycle alone.  I enjoy the path I traveled, the scenery I passed by, the wind brushing against my jacket and the time I spent alone with myself. I love how a simple ride helps me clear my mind from worries of life that formed a dark rainy cloud above my head. It is my calm, my own kind of calm.

 I look at the front yard below and find Irina sitting beneath the tree. She looks busy with a pencil on her hand and sketch book on her lap. I wonder what she is drawing this time?

I see Mallory sitting on the swing with the dog sleeping on the grass near her. Mallory jumps off the swing and stands beside Irina. She looks at her mother’s sketch book with curiosity drawn on her face.

I can see them talking but from where I stand I cannot hear what they say. And then Mallory points her finger up to the sky showing her mom the yellow and orange colored sky.

Irina looked up at the sky and smiled, and then she turned her head into my direction. I don’t know if she sees me, but I saw her smile as stood up. I don’t know if it is just my eyes playing illusions with me, or did I really see her smile at me. Does she even know I am here watching her from a distance?

I watched as she took Mallory by hand and they both entered the house.

‘Mama, when your boss gives you money,’ Mallory said, ‘can you buy me a big doll house with small pink, purple, blue and yellow lights?’

I walked downstairs and heard Mallory talking to her mother from the living room.

‘Sure,’ Irina answered. ‘In time you will have a big doll house in our bedroom.’

I take one last step on the stairs as I listen to their conversation.

‘No Mama, I want it here in the living room.’ Mallory said.

I expect to see the two of them in the living room, only to find myself alone in the living room. I sit on the big brown couch in the living room. And still the only couch in the living room.

I noticed a new addition of Doraemon toys from the bookshelf at the left side corner near the open window.  And in front of me is the same glossy white coffee table, and on top of it is also the same book, The Time Traveler's Wife.

Maybe Irina is too busy with her job, and her household chores, that she hasn't finished reading the book. I know what she loves, a rain pouring outside her open window, a cup of tea and a book. And that precious moment, her happiness.

If only I were alive, I would make her happy. I will be her friend. I am ready to listen to whatever stories she wants to say. And I will be at her side. I will take her on a date, a dinner on Friday night maybe. And we will lay side by side without a care in the world we live in.

If only I am alive, but the thing is I am dead. And I cannot be alive.

I am just a dead man falling in love with a beautiful girl like her. And she does not need to know.

I took the book by hand, and looked at the cover of the book where there is a little girl standing, and beside her is a big man’s shoes and white shirt placed on top of a red picnic cloth. The Time Traveler’s Wife book.

And yes I have seen how hard Irina tries hard to travel back in time hoping to save me from the unfortunate car accident. She did her best. She did take a step. She tried. And even though she didn’t make it and it didn’t happen, at least she tried. She tries to save me and that is what matters to me.

I know how she feels about me, and that is enough. I think she does not have to know that I am here watching her from a distance where we cannot be together. I am sad but at the same time content. I am okay with contentment.  

All of a sudden the light turns off, only this time it does not scare me. The television switches on. The television changes channels by itself and tunes into the news. The news shows a woman who wears a white clothes all over. She looks very Asian with her medium brown skin tone and deep black hair which is neatly pulled on a bun. She stands on the stage alone and with teary eyes she makes a speech;

"My beloved fellow citizens, it is very hard for me to be able to stand on this stage tonight. It is because of that, that you want me to speak about sadness and sorrow on behalf of them - who are currently suffering from the current situation in my beloved country, Myanmar. I am deeply sorry for the people who have lost their lives on the streets.

"Every citizen of the world wants prosperity in their country, and a peaceful environment. In doing so, the leaders involved should not use their power and selfishness to uprising. I know some people - young women and children - risked their lives.

"If this situation happens somewhere, the people from around the world (will) try to find a solution and help them. Today, in my country Myanmar, while I'm standing on this stage, there are so many people (who) died. More than a hundred people died today.

"I'm deeply sorry for all the people who have lost their lives. The people from Myanmar, they, are working on the streets for democracy. I'm also another one who's working for democracy in the state right now. Thank you so much to the MGI Organization for giving me such a great opportunity, to speak out my words, through this platform internationally. I want to say from here that, please save Myanmar! We need your urgent international help right now. Let's pray for a better world where (there's) individual responsibility for the new generations. Make the world be at peace with Myanmar!"

I am dead. And I am no longer aware of what’s happening in the world today, but this girl from the television, I salute her. She is beautiful and fearless.

Out of nowhere the light turns back on.  I know for sure it is just Irina moving around the house. The television shuts down and a song begins to play. Dream, dream, dream. When I want you in my arms. Whenever I want you all I have to do is dream, dream, dream.  I listen to the song thinking I should visit her in her dreams tonight.