I Was Here

A Promise I Won’t Keep

A Promise I Won’t Keep

6:00 PM, the sun is setting, soon it will be dark and Mallory will be home. Maybe I should clean the bedroom before she gets home. I slowly climbed the wooden stairs with my bare feet.

‘Come it’s almost 9 o'clock you should be sleeping, you still have school tomorrow.’ I said and took Mallory by hand as we climbed upstairs to the bedroom.

‘My feet hurt, carry me Mama.’

‘Okay here you go.’

‘Strong Mama,’ she said. ‘I love you, Mama.’

‘I love you too, baby.’

I open the door to the bedroom. There is a dark brown framed window at one corner where the light comes from. The yellow and orange light freely pushes through the open window. The yellow orange light hits the wooden floor.  I see Eric stand right there on the spot captured by the yellow light. ‘You came back.’ I said. He stood there looking me in the eye. I almost died.

‘Irina, I think you should know,’

‘Know what?’

‘I think you should know that I am dead.’

‘I know.’ I said. ‘I already know.’

‘But how-?’

‘In my dream I traveled back in time.’ I said. ‘I was there at your wake.’

‘You are still alive,’ he said. ‘How do you travel through time?’

‘I don’t know.’ I said. ‘But I know how you died.’

‘Now you know that I am dead,’ he said. ‘You also should realize we can never happen.’

‘What if I will always go to the same spot where you got hit by a car, every Friday at 5pm?’ I said. ‘Maybe I can time travel and save you from the accident.’

‘Are you sure?’

‘I don’t know but at least I can try.’

‘What if you weren’t able to save me?’ He said. ‘You only waste your time then, and you might get tired.’

‘I will keep on trying,’

‘What if you were able to save me and that changed the course of fate,’ he said ‘but then I wouldn’t even remember you.’

‘That is not possible, I wasn’t part of your life before the accident happened.’ I said. ‘Í think I was never part of your life.’

‘What will you do if I won’t remember your face or even your name?’

‘Then I will remind you, I promise.’ I said when I knew I lied. He comes closer and embraces me so tight like he wouldn’t want to let go of me. ‘If your plan won’t work,’ he said. ‘Promise me, you will forget about me.’ I close my eyes and feel his arms wrap to my body. ‘Irina, I want you to move on.’ he said and I felt him kissed my head.

I have so many questions. I know there are certain things I want to talk with him about. I want to know him. I want to know how he feels about me. And what did he see in me. But at that very moment his arms and hands are wrapped to my body, and he is very quiet. It makes me realize that maybe sometimes, even though you want to communicate, you don’t talk. You don’t talk, because you just feel. And that very moment, I feel. And it’s like a comfortable silence you share with another person, with mutual understanding that you two want to be with each other, without saying a word.

I want to ask him how long are we going to be like this, until he is maybe in heaven.

Out of the blue I heard a little voice called out for me, ‘Mama I’m home!’

Mallory is here. I opened my eyes and Eric disappeared again.

‘Í will find you and I will save you, I promise.’ I utter the words and hurried down the stairs to meet Mallory. I don’t know if he hear me, maybe he did.

At 9:00 PM, it’s raining hard. The rain water drops fiercely on the roof of the house making a loud noise. Mallory begins to fear the loud sound of the rain. Moments later we were shocked by the very loud thunder. One strong thunder followed by another.   

‘Mama, I’m afraid.’ Mallory cries as she sits on my lap. She put her arms around my waist and she began to cry. ‘Don’t be afraid, the thunder cannot enter the house.’ I said. ‘Our roof won’t break because of the thunder.’ I added.

I carried her to the bed and turned off the lights. ‘Mama, the teacher asked us to draw our house and family.’ she said. ‘I drew our house, and there is a tree in front of our house,’ she added. ‘And I drew you, myself and Chi-Chan.’

‘Wow, that’s nice.’ I said, ‘Why don’t you show me your drawing tomorrow?’

I watch her reach out and open the cabinet, ‘No more Papa’s clothes.’ she said. ‘He is not coming back.’ She added and wrapped her small arms to my waist as she cried.  

‘Mama, will you still use this?’ Mallory asked, holding an eyebrow pencil.

‘No, it’s pandemic Mama won’t need any make up.’

‘Can I write on the wall with this?’

I look at her little face. I know she is devastated with having a broken family. And none of it was her fault. It is odd, for sure no parent will allow his or her child to write on the wall. I look at her little face and think if it will help her lessen the pain, ‘Go ahead baby,’ I said.  

‘Ókay mama, but is it okay if I don’t have a Papa?’

‘I think that’s fine,’ I said. ‘You have me and Chi-Chan.’

‘Mama, you will never leave me right?’

‘Mama will always be here for you even when all my hair turns white.’

‘Thank you Mama,’ she said. ‘I love you so much in all the people in the world.’

‘And I love you too in all the people in the world.’