Me, Me, Me and Tara

Chapter Five

The leather of his seat squeaks as he bounces his leg lazily, making me uneasy in my silence. We’ve been at a stalemate for the past 45 minutes as Dr. Stringer tries to coax Tara out.

“It’s that part of you that needs therapy,” he insists again. “You are handling things so well, Kennedy; it is unfortunate you have been unable to kind of merge your pathways of thinking.” He sighs, and I resist the urge to correct him. To scream that I am simply living at the mercy of my own insanity. f*****g moron, I do not need therapy. He needs therapy. Tara’s voice floats through my mind as she continues ranting about how she despises our doctor, and I shy away from her wrath, but it sinks into my stomach like fire. “Have you been practicing what we talked about regarding that?”

“Not really.” I pick at the invisible lint on my skirt, avoiding his gaze. “She scares me.” I admit quietly. It isn’t the first time I’ve mentioned how unnerving I find Tara.

“Can you tell me anything positive about that portion of who you are?”

“I don’t know. She is so violent and overreacts to the smallest things. Not to mention her feelings about Harper have…complicated things. I miss my friend, but I understand why she has pulled away from me. Wendy has too. Tara is ruining my life.” My voice cracks, and for once Tara is quiet in my mind. Like my grief has settled into her like her emotions do me sometimes. I press the heels of my hands into my eyes and hang my head. I will not cry. I will not cry. I will not cry.

“I hear you. Try to think deeply, just one little positive.” He encourages while effectively dismissing my emotions on the matter. Taking a steadying breath, I roll my shoulders and stare at the ceiling, mentally searching for any good thing Tara has brought to my life.

“I guess… I guess there is Clint.” I mumble. “I would never have met him if it weren’t for her.”

“Excellent. Try to hold on to that when you feel her. It may help take the sting out by knowing that it isn’t all bad. Our time is up, though. I will see you next week, right?” He shuffles papers on his desk as I stand on wobbly legs.

“Yes, of course.” I nod once and turn to leave.

“Oh, and Kennedy, would you mind asking your mother to give me a call? I haven’t heard back from your parents in quite some time.”

“Sure thing.” I don’t mention I haven’t really seen or heard from them either. Everyone f*****g leaves, Tara mutters bitterly. Internally, I roll my eyes at Tara because she is the reason why everyone is leaving us. Her and her crazy attitude have ostracized us from our friends and family. Tears still prick at my eyes as I try to mentally shove all my hurt feelings and rage onto Tara.

"Watch where you're going, babe. I don't mind catching you, but what if someone else had been standing here? Could've broken my heart." Clint mock pouts, clutching my arms to keep a distance between us when I was clearly about to plow right through him.

"Haha. Very funny." I deadpan and do my best to hide my grin. He leans in, not letting me hide my face, and his playfulness is infectious, making me giggle.

"Ah ha! Yes! I knew I was funny." He finally releases me as Dr. Stringer appears in the doorway beside us. "What's up, doc? High five?" Dr. Stringer just stares at Clint; he evidently doesn't find Clint as charming as I do. With a quick wave, I hurry out to my car before I can get sucked into whatever shenanigans Clint is plotting.

Sliding into the driver's side of my car, I pull out my phone to double-check any missed messages during my session. Only one text is waiting to be opened, and it's from Mom—another apology for being out. I want to toss my phone, but instead I take several slow, deep breaths to calm myself as Tara's cage rattles with fury.

It's as if everything I feel, she feels ten times stronger. I guess if I felt things as strongly as she does, I'd be pretty reactive too. I hadn't considered how difficult it must be to always be stuck inside of my mind and yet feel everything around us. I shiver as the realization that I'm actually empathizing with Tara rushes over me.

Putting my car in reverse, I decide I have time to take the long way home. No one is waiting up for me anyway. I turn out towards the countryside rather than to the suburban hell I reside in. The rolling green hills and swaying oak trees settle both me and Tara. I can almost hear her contented sigh as I roll down the windows and let off the gas. Barely going thirty miles per hour now, I inhale the fresh air greedily.

Someday when I'm an adult and out on my own, I'm going to live out here and own a little farm or something. Somewhere away from the chaos of the city and crowds. It's like I've been trying to save someone who is drowning, and they finally stopped fighting me. I relax further into my seat and just let the quiet clear my mind.