Me, Me, Me and Tara

Chapter Four

Pulling into the empty driveway, my phone dings and lights up in the passenger seat. Putting the car in park I stare straight ahead for a few minutes letting my mind go blank before the ding resounds through the cab again. Snatching it up I roll my shoulders and try to ignore the foreign irritation leeching into my bones.

MOM: Sorry, be out late. Pizza money on the counter.

Again? I scroll to double check but Harper still hasn’t opened my apology text from earlier. I sigh, heaving my heavy body out of the car, abandoning my bags for the night. My parents have been gone a lot lately. Trying to cope in their own ways I guess. The house is silent with only the little light over the oven to illuminate the space. When it first started, I was shocked to be left home alone but as it became an increasingly regular occurrence the ache of rejection set in. Now though I breeze up the stairs and ignore the phantom laughter that haunts my childhood home. Laughter doesn’t live here anymore - not since Tara started evicting every good thing in my life.

I resist the urge to flop on the bed forcing myself to head straight for the shower. I used to love showers and could spend hours in the bathroom. My parents used to joke about making me pay the water bill given how much I ran through in any given week. But I can only take cold showers now - long warm, relaxing showers make me lose my edge and I always have to be on guard to keep myself sane. I think the hardest part is constantly feeling like I’m standing on a cliff, it’s stressful. Always having to be vigilant about myself. I can’t enjoy many of the things I used to anymore because anything that is relaxing could distract me from my mental tug-of-war with Tara. I feel her cage rattle and a scoff floats through my mind riding a wave of disgust that settles in my gut.

I’m suddenly claustrophobic in my clothes. Blood rushes in my ears and my tongue is stuck to the roof of my mouth making it impossible to breathe. I quickly spin the knob for the shower and claw at my clothes. Why are sports clothes so freaking hard to take off?! I can’t get free fast enough and I can feel the familiar push at my pyshe. Feel her disappointment in my ability to take care of us and her disdain at being stuck with me in this lifetime. Rouge thoughts of how much easier things would be if I, Kennedy, just didn’t exist anymore attack as tears well in my eyes.

No, NO, NO! Okay, you’ve got to calm down Kennedy.

I close my eyes and try to focus on my breathing. It comes and goes in shallow wakes. My eyes fly open and I search the room. Tile. Shampoo. My focus flits around as I try to ground myself to this moment. Razor. Hairbrush. Toothpaste. Razor. Razor. Razor.

How easy it would be… No one else is home… No one would care. Bitter, vile thoughts cascade down drowning out my rational thoughts.

The innocent pink razor set on the side of the tub has become my nemesis in a split second. In a panicked, last ditch effort I fling the razor over my shoulder and climb in the shower still dressed. The cold manages to shock my system out of its chaotic state and I feel my grip on mental control tighten. Tara’s cage stops rattling and I can finally breathe again as I sink to the bottom of the tub letting my hot tears mix with the icy water. The numbness of the water helps, but it doesn’t erase the thoughts—doesn’t erase the way my mind constantly drags me to the edge, pulling me into darkness. I want to scream, to let it all out, but I just stay there, frozen in the water, hoping the cold will keep me grounded.

Such a pathetic little girl. Tara's voice filters in and I clamp my hands over my ears as if it will help block her out. Rocking softly, I begin to hum a nonsense tune in an attempt to drown out her insults.

"Kennedy?" My mother's voice floats up quietly from downstairs. I want to call out to her, to beg her to make it stop but I can't move. The risk is too great to move from this spot. A few more freezing minutes pass before the door to the bathroom opens and I hear her gasp. The water stops cascading over me and I hesitantly look up at my mother's distraught expression. "Oh, honey. Let's get you dried and warmed up." She suggests as she gently lays a fluffy towel around my shoulders.

I lean into the warmth of her grip around me and finally stop humming. Tara's disgust subsides as I focus on my mom and how she obviously still cares and loves me. Maybe I'm not as alone in this world as I thought.

"I thought you were going out." I stammer.

"I was - well, I am still. I just forgot something upstairs but if you need me..." I can hear the indecision in her voice as she titers between wanting her freedom and caring for me. I take a deep breath as Tara's feelings of abandonment begin to plague my thoughts.

"I'm okay." I reassure her nodding and moving to stand. "Just a bad... episode."

"Alright, if you say so." She sounds uncertain but steps back to give me space.

"Oh, my therapist asked if you'd call him," I say causally.

"Right, I'll, uh, get on that. I'm just going to..." She trails off, gesturing over her shoulder towards the door and I give her a meek smile with a nod that she can leave now. As soon as her back is turned, my smile drops and I stop fighting Tara.

Tonight, Tara wins.