Over Me

chapter 9

January five two thousand and twenty-two I just heard from mom's news that it was... your death anniversary today and... I kinda wanna think you should've gone to heaven now. I just lowered my head and replied to mom, "mom I don't wanna go to school today" and so she asked why. I tried to answer but dad blocked me and told me, "it's right honey, you should rest for now. You can talk to your sister from afar." I don't wanna blame you for some reason, one of them is... why am I like this right now. I always tell myself to move forward like, "go on Chloe move forward for the future, you can do it" but somehow I... I thought about you the last time you told me, "it'll be fine just move on, you can do it" I wish you were that girl cheering me up and saying move forward but no, it was just me and I have to accept it. You're the reason why I'm moving on and the girl that I wanted to cheer me up couldn't be you. I just think, what if you just go there in heaven yourself. And then I turned around my thoughts again and say, "no, I should see you the last time at least". Now I feel like tears are filling up my eyes, Rija can you speak?

You know what? Sometimes I think too much, yeah I get so caught up. I'm always stuck in my head, I wish I could escape. I tried it yesterday, took all the s**t off my head. I got suddenly crazy, I think it's because I was thinking that much. Sometimes I just wanna die. When I die, there's no more pain. I'll be with you, but that's crazy. Literally. I also have many reasons to; live but this chaos on my head hurts so bad. Sometimes I can't take it anymore and so my tears are just... falling fast. And then after that, I get weaker. my knees are shaking, my hands and then... then I feel the sweat. I feel those emotions lately, I don't know what was happening in me. I don't know what to do when that happens again. I eve can't tell mom and dad about this. I don't what to make them worried about me. Of I do maybe I can't go back there ever again. They'll think, maybe it's not safe for me but, it feels safe deep inside my heart when I'm with you. Like f**k I wish I could fuckin' rewind. I just... I just wish this never happened. I'm tired.

I'm tired, I'm sorry

Far from the most, I feel so hatred, by myself also, I think. But I know I have to keep going. No matter what bothers me I'll do what my heart says.

Soon all of this weight I was carrying will fall gently away. Soon these chains won't be able to hold me anymore and my past will lose its grip on me. Soon, I'll move forward into peace and find a new beautiful spark of joy... No matter how hard I was going through right now, I know that it really will be okay. Even if it doesn't seem to be like it right now, I know that soon I can make it through this rough waters and come out so much stronger than the other side. Soon.

I wanna prove that no matter how much time it takes for me to move on I'll still do it for your sake. I'm always here for you, I just need time. I need time to calm down and think wisely. I know harming myself wont help but if only I could die to be with you, I'll do it. Things might bother you, things that gives you stress, things that makes you feel sad, things that you know wont work bug all in all those things were a lesson. Just a simple deep breath and thinking wisely. Surely you'll get the right answer for everything. All of those has a reason and explanation. So those "why's" on yourself will be proved.

Deep breath Chloe, I know you can do this. Ughh I wish it was you. But no, I should stand up, you're already gone.

A while after I was in my room, covered with a think blanket and doing my schoolwork and then for no reason I thought about you, however I'm always trying to focus on my schoolwork but ended up bumping my own head on the table because it was bothering me. I should've not think about you. I've been through so far now I dont wanna give up. I wanna move forward.