The Dream Catcher

The Dream Catcher (12)

Habang abala ako sa pag kain ng ice cream, biglang bumukas ang pinto ng kwarto ko and my mom went in furious.

"What the hell are you doing here? Dapat nasa baba ka at tinutulungan ako!" she said between gritted teeth.

I stopped the urge to roll my eyes at her.

"Para ano ma? To witness how they keep giving stink eyes on me?"

"You have to accept those 'cause you did that to yourself. That's the consequence of what you did."

"What I did? Tell me ma, ano ba ang ginawa ko? Say it to my face." I challenged her. Pagod na pagod na ako sa mga ginagawa nila sa'kin.

"You know what you did, you know what happened." she crossed her arms and shifted her gaze. I scoffed.

"Say it ma!" alam kong sa oras na sabihin niya ang mga katagang 'yon, madudurog ulit ako but I had enough.

"Yesha's death." tumulo ang mga luha ko habang tumatawa.

"Sa tingin niyo ba gusto ko 'yong nangyari? sa tingin niyo ba after that dreadful day I'm okay? No, ma! I'm not okay. Until now I'm still not okay! Every single day it keeps replaying in my head. Kahit sa pagtulog ko it's still haunting me! Nanay kita, ikaw dapat ang karamay ko sa mga panahon na 'yon pero anong ginawa mo? You left me to suffer alone, tulad ng iba sinisi mo ako. Alam niyong aksidente ang nangyari pero pinapalabas niyo as if I drowned her with my own hands. Hindi niyo man lang ako tinanong kung okay pa ba ako, hindi niyo man lang naisip na maybe I'm suffering too. I lost my friend, kapatid na turing ko sa kaniya pero wala kayo when I needed someone the most. Kailangan ko pang magpa therapy para matulungan ang sarili ko but guess what? Walang nangyari, nandito pa rin pala ako, stuck!"

I wiped my tears aggressively and left. Hindi ko alam kung saan ako pupunta, I feel like I'm walking on an endless road, ang labo na rin ng paningin ko dahil sa mga luha na pilit kumakawala.

I saw a park and sat on the swing saka pinagpatuloy ang pag iyak. Honestly, parang na ibsan ng kahit konti ang nararamdaman ko. I've been battling this all up since that day, buti nalang kahit papaano ay nailabas ko na, it's still not enough but at least.

Late na noong umuwi ako, madilim na ang bahay at wala na ring tao. I locked myself in my room, I don't think kaya ko ng makita ulit si mama. Iniligpit ko ang mga gamit ko saka inilagay sa bag. Instead of staying for 2 days, uuwi na ako. I can't take staying 1 more day baka kung ano pa ang masabi ko sa lahat ng mga tao rito.

Kahit madaling araw pa ay umalis na ako, nag iwan na lang ako ng note sa kanila. I lied saying kailangan na ako sa trabaho, but I know they know why I already left.

I sent Nathan a message, I think I need to drink pero hindi ako magpapaka lasing, sakto lang para mailabas lahat ng stress ko ngayong araw.

I directly went to the usual place where I drink and also the place where I first met Nathan. Nandito na pala siya.

"So what's the occasion?" he asked sarcastically.

"My friend's death anniversary." napatigil naman siya sa pag ngisi.

"I'm sorry." this time ako naman ang napatawa.

"Ano ba, don't be. Nandito ako para makalimot so let's not spoil the night at uminom nalang tayo."

"Tara sa park uminom, take out na lang tayo ng pizza. I know a nice spot there."

Nilibot ko ang paningin, ang daming tao saka marami na ring lasing at kulang na lang makipag suntukan sa katabi nila kaya pumayag nalang ako.

Unti-unti ng dumidilim ng makarating kami sa favorite spot niya. Ngayon ko pa nakita 'to, a big field and in front is a fountain. Kitang-kita rin ang liwanag at laki ng buwan pati mga bituin na kumikislap. It is indeed a nice spot. On our way here, dumaan kami sa isang store na nagpapa rent ng picnic blanket. Picnic spot pala dito.

Nilatag niya ang picnic blanket saka nilagay ang isang supot na puro can beer at dalawang box ng pizza.

Humiga ako habang pinapanood ang mga bituin, I heard Nathan opened 2 can beers saka binuksan ang pizza.

"Let's start." I chuckled

We were just eating and drinking in silence, watching the water run from the fountain and the refreshing sound of it as the wind brushes against our skin.

"I went home yesterday." I started

"How was it?" he answered while taking a bite of his pizza.

"The usual, giving disgusting looks on me, my mom making me feel like s**t. It was wonderful." I answered sarcastically

"That sucks. They did that for what?"

"They blamed me for Yesha's death." I'm smiling through the pain.

"Wow, I'm sorry but those people are dumb. They're a bunch of pieces of s**t. They act as if you committed murder when in fact it was an accident, nobody wanted that to happen."

"And people expect me to let go when they can't even see me as someone who's mourning for the loss of someone precious to me."

He held my hand and squeezed it lightly.

"Don't let them get into you. You know yourself better. Yesha knows you and she won't like it when people hurt you because of her. Do yourself a favor and don't go back to that hell."

I smiled at him and drank the beer. Paano ba ako mag mo-move on, saan ba ako magsisimula. Kailangan ko pa ba magka amnesia para matigil na lahat ng sakit na nararamdaman ko? This is actually the first time na naisipan kong iligtas ang sarili, dati kapag death anniversary na ni Yesha, magkukulong ako sa kwarto and wish to just die para matapos na lahat but this time I wanna fight, I wanna save myself, I wanna live and I wanna be happy tho hindi ko alam kung paano but I wanna try.

"Nate?" I called

"Hmm?" he hummed in response.

"How'd you do it?" inayos niya ang pag upo at hinarap ako.

"What do you mean?" His forehead creased.

"How'd you save yourself?"

"I just wanna live. Ang tao kasi Paige may kanya-kanyang pag iisip 'diba? As for me I always see the brighter side, I always think everything is just a trial. Malalampasan natin 'to. But I can't say na dapat lahat tayo ganoon ang pag iisip kasi iba-iba tayo ng pananaw eh, iba-iba tayo ng nararamdaman at pinagdadaanan. Sinabi ko na dati diba, kung may tao mang makakatulong sa atin, sarili lang natin 'yon."

"What if everything has become too much and it's no longer bearable?" he opened his mouth but closes it again.

"It's up to you what path you want to take."

We both remained silent after the talk, nakatingin lang kami sa buwan na nagsisilbing ilaw at pinapakinggan ang himig ng hangin.

"It's late, uwi na tayo?" Nathan asked. Tumango lang ako at tumayo na, pinagpag ang damit at iniligpit ang mga basura namin.

We went directly to his car at tahimik na bumiyahe pauwi. It didn't take long when we arrived at my apartment. Before leaving he gave me a smile and thumbs up.

I heaved a sigh and went inside. Sinigurado kong nakalagay na sa uluhan ng higaan ko ang dreamcatcher. Ang daming nangyari simula kahapon, hindi ko na ata kakayanin kung magka nightmare pa ako. I can't handle the shadow. It's too much to bare.

Humilata na ako sa kama pero instead na matulog, naka tingin lang ako sa kisame habang nag iisip at bago pa man din ako makatulog I sent Liz a message informing her na nakauwi na ako and then I fell asleep...