The Dream Catcher

The Dream Catcher (9)

Hindi mawala sa isip ko ang nangyari kagabi. Nasa harap ko na si Nathan ang taong makakapag bigay ng kasagutan sa mga tanong ko pero hinang-hina ako para ikuwento ang mga nangyari. It's a good thing he offered na magkita kami ulit tho. I really need to talk to him lalo na't bumalik kagabi ang nightmare ko.

"Paige pasensya na pala kahapon ha, lasing na lasing kami eh." saad ni Ally. I smiled at her and jokingly slapped her arm.

"Ano ka ba, ayos lang 'yon no. Umuwi na rin ako kasi sumakit ulo ko but it was a really great night." I really did enjoyed it kahit pre-occupied pa rin ako that time.

We both laughed saka nag kuwentuhan sandali since break pa naman namin. I'm trying my best to be open with the people around me, I'm trying to be a better person for myself pero minsan hinihila talaga ako ng nakaraan at mas gugustuhin kong ikulong ang sarili to suffer 'cause I always think I don't deserve to live and to be happy after Yesha's death. Until today, I'm still blaming myself.

Liz came back but I still haven't told her about me, going back to zero after everything we've been through. Minsan naiisip ko, did I really got better? or tinakbuhan ko lang saka nagpanggap na ayos na? Hindi ko na alam.

"Paige, una na kami." paalam nina Allan, narito pa rin ako sa office at may tinatapos. Pinasadahan ko ng tingin ang orasan at malapit ng mag 9 pm, ganitong oras usapan namin ni Nathan na magkikita sa park pero mukhang ma la-late ako. Ba't kasi hindi niya na lang iniwan ang number niya para we have contact. It was 8:30 in the evening when I finished everything. I rushed and went to our meeting place. I kept checking my watch at 9 pm na, medyo traffic pa naman. I rested my head, lampas 9 na ng gabi, susubukan ko pa rin pero kung umalis na siya, uuwi na lang ako.

I arrived at dumiretso sa bench na inupuan ko kahapon, he wasn't there nilibot ko ang paningin ko but there's no sign of him. Bumuntong hinga ako at napaupo. Umuwi na siguro. Paano ba naman 30 mins. late na ako. Aalis na sana ako but Nathan was standing near the bench at may bitbit na supot ng pagkain.

"Oh, you're here.. and late." nakabusangot niyang tugon saka binaba sa bench ang mga dala niya.

"Kanina ka pa?" I asked saka umupo ulit.

"Yeah, about an hour ago." napaubo naman ako kahit di naman ako nabulunan.

"And you still waited? Ba't di ka nalang umuwi?" sagot ko rito. Kinuha niya ang mga pagkain na naka lagay sa supot at nilapag sa bench.

"Because I know na darating ka. You need me." he looked straight into my eyes and I can't read anything, his eyes are... dead but then he smiled and offered me the sushi he bought. Ngumiti man siya but it didn't changed the fact na nakita ko kung gaano ka patay ang mga mata niya kahit naka suot pa siya ng salamin.

Since hindi pa ako kumakain, I accepted his offer and ate the sushi saka may dala din siyang inumin. Beer. Hindi naman kami malalasing kasi apat na lata lang naman ang binili niya. I don't know why pero the way he act, it's as if matagal na kaming magkaibigan and for some reason I also feel comfortable the fact na stranger pa rin siya kasi we don't know each other that much yet aside from the face and the names.

I gulped the can of beer while looking at the stars, mabuti nalang walang sign na uulan, wala na ring ganoong tao kasi late na but we're still here.

"About your nightmare..." he broke the silence, napatingin naman agad ako sa kaniya. Right, it's about time.

"I don't know why but it started of me, dreaming about my past. Akala ko bangungot lang kaya di ko binigyan ng pansin but then it kept happening everynight, nagigising ako na hinihingal, umiiyak at nanghihina and then there's the shadow.." Nathan looked at me na para bang may na diskubre siya.

"He kept appearing in my nightmare, at first past trauma ko lang pero habang tumatagal it's just the shadow and me. He kept chasing me and I don't know why. The last time I had my nightmare before yesterday. He told me he'll get me soon. Pero pagkatapos noon nakabili na ako ng dreamcatcher kaya di na ako nagka nightmare ulit." I continued. He blinked a few times saka inayos ang suot niyang salamin.

"Past trauma? Do you mind if I ask about that?" natahimik ako. Si Liz lang ang nakakaalam ng nangyari dati, I never told anyone except her. Oo alam ng parents at ibang past friends ko ang pagkamatay ni Yesha but if it's about me, how I feel, how I suffered? No one knows except Liz.

"I'm sorry, you don't have to tell me. I don't want to force you but I want you to know whatever your past trauma is, it's feeding the shadow." biglang nanindig ang balahibo ko. Feeding the shadow?

"What do you mean?" ang unfair naman ata kung 'yon ang habol ng shadow sa'kin. Everyone has their own traumas they can't use that against us dahil hindi madaling makalimot.

"They feed to whatever you fear. The more you get scared, the more you're feeding the shadow." hindi ko pa rin maintindihan, ayaw i-process ng utak ko lahat.

"Pero paano mo nalaman lahat ng 'to? Have you suffered too? How did you fought it?" biglang nag iba ang expression niya sa naging tanong ko. Tumingin siya sa kawalan at tinanggal ang suot niyang salamin.

"Not me, my mother did." Isinuot niya ito ulit, his eyes may hide whatever he feels but the tone of his voice can't. He's sad.

"What happened?" I asked pero dahil sa sagot niya sana hindi ko nalang tinanong.

"She died.." para akong binuhusan ng malamig na tubig sa naging sagot niya. I felt my knees weakened.

"I'm sorry.." saad ko, wala na akong iba pang masabi.

"It was 3 years ago, it's still painful pero tanggap ko na. It's okay if we get sad remembering them, missing them 'cause it's normal. Hindi man madali pero kailangan pa rin tanggapin natin 'to in that case we'll be able to set ourselves free." napayuko ako. Sana nga ganoon na lang kadali pero if you're living with guilt? Sobrang hirap tanggapin ng lahat.

Sabay naming ininom ang beer saka natahimik at tumingin sa kawalan. Sobrang lamig pero wala ng mas lalamig pa sa pinagdaraanan ko ngayon.

"That book... I wrote that with my mother in mind. It was her struggle. Kung napansin mo the story stopped when the dreamcatcher arrived as if it saved her but in reality, it didn't. After that, she died kaya hindi ko na tinuloy pa." I stared at him pero nakatingin pa rin siya sa kawalan.

"Paano? If you don't mind me asking." sagot ko pabalik rito. He shifted his seat and continued.

"She let the shadow take her. She was living with guilt and thought maybe she deserves it. She hid the dreamcatcher and slept without it, hinayaan niyang kainin siya ng takot. She lost the will to live kaya hinahabol siya nito. No matter how hard I tried to console her and make her see na nandito pa ako, anak niya that still didn't help. Kasi at the end of the day 'yong desisyon nasa atin lang eh right? Kahit ilang beses pa tayo tulungan ng iba, bigyan ng mga advice nasa atin pa rin kung gagawin at gugustuhin natin."

that hit me so hard. I am like her mother pero in my case I still haven't lost my will to live. I wanted to change. I really do... I may have had my therapy back then but I don't think I really did it because I want to 'cause up until now I still kept running away from it.

"What caused her to feel that way?" He looked at me and smiled but this time I can see the sadness in his eyes.

"My father died in an accident. They were planning to watch a movie that night, my dad has always been busy so he never really spared time with my mom, I wasn't home at that time. My dad told my mom he'll be late but she jokingly told him if he got late for 20 mins. she's canceling their plans and won't talk to him anymore. She acted sulking and my dad hates it whenever he makes her feel that way so he drove as fast as he can so he can arrive on time but he got into an accident instead and was proclaimed dead on arrival. My mom blamed herself. If she didn't say those things, he could've been alive by now."

Hindi ko namalayan na umiiyak na pala ako, I cried because I felt sorry for him, losing both of his parents, I cried because of what happened to his father and I cried 'cause I felt what her mother felt blaming herself 'cause if it wasn't for of us, they could've been still alive right now, with us. I bit my bottom lip so hard that I started to taste my own blood.