Tainted Sanctuary

"He’s still outside," Elena softly whispered, her voice barely audible over the pounding rain. I threw my head into my hands. "He’ll die out there if you don’t do something?!" she murmured as the weight of bitterness, guilt, and sadness washed over me. Slowly, I walked to the door, each step my heart beat faster, each step heavy with the hell I found myself in. The rain is relentless, blurring the glow of Sicily into glistening streaks of color. Each drop hammered against the paved stones, mirroring the chaos of my own life. His solitary figure knelt on the cold, unforgiving ground, his ragged clothes gripped to his quivering frame, his shoulders slumped under the burden of his guilt, the same man that once was a pillar of sheer strength, power and pride had been reduced to a broken man, guilt encased me, I didn’t wish for this, I didn’t want this. At one point, I hoped to the heavens we could work through this, but hope only gets you so far. A voice, raw and desperate, pulled me out of my thoughts, "Maria?" his eyes red-rimmed and hollow. "Maria... please." I saw his face when I looked at him and my heart broke all over again. "Please get up, you’ll catch a cold out here Mauro." I wept, each rain drop felt like the silent tears we had both shed. He shook his head, rain cascading off him. "No, I deserve this!" with a deep, shuddering breath, his voice barely above a whisper but filled with raw emotion. "I'm so sorry," he says, his voice cracking. "I never meant to hurt you." "I didn’t mean for him to die..." but before he could finish, my voice cracked, "Don't!" "Please don't do this." I couldn’t bear to look at him. His whole face was the exact same as our son’s, Marco. He remained kneeling, his gaze locked on mine, but I couldn’t move. I couldn’t look at him. My gaze was lost in the landscape behind him, but all I could see was the unimaginable horror, how a man who saved my life, protected me with every fiber of his being, was so damn happy finding out he was going to be a father and was the best dad to our son turned out to be a monster. A man who was so busy having s*x with his mistress that our son drowned in our home, the home he built for us with his own hands, for our son to grow, thrive and become the best man he could be, for our family to grow and become stronger and healthier than our f****d up mob families. "I have to Maria! I have to tell you how truly sorry I f*****g am!" "I would do f*****g anything to take back what I did, every damn day, every single minute, I relive that f*****g day." "I see his face," he stammered. "I wish I could take it back, I’m in so much f*****g pain!" A bitter laugh escaped my lips before I could react. I stepped forward into the rain. "You don’t understand the word pain Mauro!" I seethed. "I didn't... I didn't mean to!" he stammered, the words catching in his throat, "It was... it was an accident." "You know I would never f*****g hurt him." Before he could finish, all that replayed in my head was the word – accident. An accident is an unexpected incident, not a tragedy. Not a f*****g child dying, not my child drowning, floating face up in the bath. With my voice barely above a whisper, I choked "Accident." "You, Maurilio, called it… an accident?! You killed our son. You killed him for a w***e, for five minutes of fun. That’s how much he meant to you Maurilio!" "Did we ever mean anything to you!?" my voice was raw and broken as tears streamed down my face. "It wasn’t like that." "You know, I f*****g loved him, I was stupid, it was nothing more than a f*****g mistake...!" I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, it was no use wiping my tears in the rain, but I couldn’t look at him. "I promise you Maria, to be the man you deserve!" he continued, his voice becoming more desperate. "I will spend every day doing everything and anything to make up for the pain I have caused you. I love you with everything I have. We can even leave this place and start anew. Just... please... give me another chance." His words felt hollow. I'd given him chance after chance, but this couldn't be undone. This couldn't be changed. The echoes of his plea faded into the rain that seemed to wash away the layers of my anger: "You can’t make up for the pain, you didn’t steal my world; you broke it. I didn’t even get to kiss my baby goodbye." "I didn’t even get to say goodbye to my f*****g son Maurilio!" I choked as he looked up, his eyes searching for mine, and when they did, a flicker of rage filled my eyes. "I wasn’t the woman you wanted. I was the one you kept around because you knew I was the only one to ever love you. I almost wish we never met. I wish I could go back to the day you asked my name and I walked away, but if I had done, I would’ve never had Marco and I thank you for him, for the three years of loving my sweet blue-eyed boy. I wish so f*****g hard me and Marco were enough for you. Loving you was my biggest mistake. It was a punishment for all my wrongs and I could’ve loved you better. I made my mistakes, but I f*****g didn’t deserve this." "I love you so much that it hurts." "I still love you, and it's killing me, Mauro!" I sobbed. "Loving you does not make any of this OK. It doesn't erase what you did." "I don't know if I can ever forgive you." "You healed me and then broke me into pieces." I breathed, my voice shaky. "I know I don't deserve your forgiveness, but I can't live without you. I’ve already lost Marco. I can’t lose you either. You are the reason I’m here, the reason I exist. You are the light to the darkness that consumes me!" "Without you, everything is meaningless." Tears stream down his cheeks. "Please come back to me," he pleads, his voice trembling. I could feel the depth of his remorse, the intensity of his love as the rain soaked me, "God help me, I still love you." "After everything you've done, after everything you've taken from me, I still love you, but I can’t be with you." My voice softened. It was not the answer he had hoped for as the thoughts and regrets consumed him. "Please go home" I pleaded. "I love you" I whispered as he trembled, clutching the cold steel gun.