The L Word (Lust or Love)

Chapter Twenty

No words could describe how she felt for this past three days. Everything was blurred to her. Three days with so little to eat, so little to said and so little to think about anything except for the fact she lost her baby. Siara world's was crumble beneath her when she heard this news. Her body doesn't felt pain due to her sudden accident anymore, but her heart? It was died, along with her baby.

From the beginning, Siara knew. She knew she was pregnant. True she had birth control taken with her so Jonathan could had s*x with her without protection and without had to worry about her getting pregnant. The chance was slim, both of them knew this. But when she realize her period was late, she only thought about one thing. She took pregnancy test and went to doctor as well.

Both of the result? She was positive.

Siara felt the happiest woman alive when she knew this. Even though she knew the risks she was pregnant without having a wedding first, a taboo to her culture, she sure as hell she wouldn't went through to had abortion. It was the result to had s*x without protection and she wouldn't blamed her baby.

But not everything in this world would went according to what we planned, her mind shout. Now she lost the baby. She lost one thing precious to her. And all of this thanks to Jonathan. Her mind was still in rage with the gorgeous man. If only he told her the truth about himself, she wouldn't had to ran away from him and had this accident. The lack of trust he had made her blood boil. It was not fair. Siara told Jonathan everything in her f****d up life. Good thing Jonathan was never judge her. Every her upside down, he listened. But what about him? Didn't he trust her enough? Didn't he realize that she trusted him with all her life?

Tears escaped from her eyes, so those her sobs. He never trusted her. With everything they've been through he never told her anything. Of course they were just f**k buddy. To Jonathan, that all she ever was. When she trusted him and had a strong feeling for him, Siara was just a woman who warmed Jonathan's bed. The hurt was too unbearable. All the hurt she felt from her ex before Jonathan, was coming to knocked her up again.

"Siara, baby, what happened?"

Jonathan's deep voice could be heard as he approached her. Too deep in her cried and thoughts, she doesn't realized the man who caused all this was came to her room. His hands came up to embrace her, to calmed her nerves. But Siara slapped them. She doesn't wanted his touch again. It brought painful memories to her head.

"Siara, it's okay. Everything's going to be okay." Jonathan said softly.

"Okay?" Siara spat, "Then tell that to my baby!"

His jaw tensed, "Our baby."

Siara really wanted to gave in every time Jonathan corrected her statement. He really does wanted this baby as well. But the hurt in her heart was too stubborn to accepted it.

"Our? Do not f*****g kidding me, Jonathan." She laughed humorless, "You.were.the.caused.of.this." She emphasized every word.

"Siara, please-"

"Stop." She cut him off, "I'm f*****g tired with it."

Silence ate them alive. Jonathan was began tired with Siara's rage. True it was his fault he not told her the truth about his status now. But he really hoped Siara could understood it was not easy for him to told her about his life. What if she decided to left his life the moment he told her he was married before and a widowed man now with only child he should took care of? He didn't wanted that. He never even thought about Siara's left his life again. She already did before and he done everything he could to made sure she was not leaving his side again. It was his selfishness and possessive side. He claimed her.

It wasn't only her who disappointed about losing the baby, he did too. Guilt ate him because what Siara's said was true. He was the cause of both of them lost the baby. Their baby. How much he wanted to had his little family again.

Jonathan cleared his throat, "Siara, my goddess, I know you were upset. It's not only you, so am I."

"Just go away, Jonathan." She wasn't looked into his eyes.

"Don't push me away please." He began to touch her forearm. When she doesn't flinched, he rested his palm in her arm, "Let me in."

"I-I can't."

"Please, Siara, you're not in this alone."

"I can't, okay?!" She spat, looked him in the eyes. Tears was brimming in her eyes, "It's too goddamn hurt, Jonathan! You never trusted me, you never did! Your jealousy and possessiveness doesn't help either! And for what it worse, I lost it. I lost the baby, Jonathan! I lost our baby... It's too much hurt to handle..."

Jonathan could only stared at her with felt hurt as well. They were definitely not a lovers but both of them never wanted this heart break moment came to them. After minutes they just battling for stares, Siara broke it.

She sighed, "Just go away, Jonathan. I never wanted you in here anymore."

"No." He replied fast, "I don't want to leave you. In fact I was never going to leave you."

"You're not my boyfriend, Jonathan. Our relationship was only s*x. You don't have to pity me." Her voice was no longer sweet to Jonathan's ear.

He held her arm tightly, "It was more than s*x, more than lust. I care about you, Siara."

"If you care about me then you would told the truth." Siara tugged her hand away from his grip, "Now, leave."

"I can't, Siara." Jonathan said in whispered tone.

She looked into him, "Why? Why were you torturing me and yourself?"

He stared her back. His eyes never left hers. Then Jonathan closed his eyes and took a deep breath. When he released it, his minty breath was fanned Siara's face. Something she missed it so much. Jonathan opened his eyes again and looked at her with so much emotion Siara couldn't comprehend it. It was reflected in his eyes.

"I love you, Siara." He declared with husky, deep voice. "That's why I can't leave you."

When Siara heard this, all her world and sense came to stop. She must be dreamt about this, the voice in her head said. They were just f*****g around for Godsake! There was no love to began with. Siara did have a feeling for him. But when she know there's no point for having those thing, she put it aside. She did felt safe around him, but no, never love. There's no point of love if your significant other never trust you. The relationship was bound to fall.

"You never love me, Jonathan. You never did. How can you love me when you never trust me?" She looked at him in disbelief. "Now leave, please."

"Siara-"

"Go away!" She shouted.

Rage and fury was reflected in Jonathan's eyes. The man was out of excuses and words to made her realized that he never wanted to leave her side. He needed time to trust her. When someone broke your trust, it was hard to mend it again. To trust someone new without had a thought about their going to stab you in the back, it was hard. His ex-wife made f*****g sure of that. Jonathan doesn't said anything. He simply turned his heel and made steps to the door. He stop there while twisting the knob.

"Fine." He said in deadpan tone without turning. "If you wish me to go, then I go, Siara. There's no point of telling you the truth if you never accept it. How can I love someone who honestly don't care anyway?"

She shut her eyes, preventing tears running down to her cheek, "Leave please."

"Goodbye, Siara."

With the door slam shut, in hard way, Siara was sobbing again.