Fated to love

  Lifting my eyes up to the sky I see a flock of birds. They are dancing in the sky so gracefully despite the gusts of wind. I wonder don't they have any mood or something? I wish I could fly with them... The sky is covered with a solid gray sheet, no sun is visible. Bare crowns of trees pass by from time to time.. sometimes they stop and I am able to notice few dry and brown leaves that are dead but never fall.    It's wintertime, January precisely, but no snow. I miss the snow. Back in my childhood, the winter was freezing and with much snow. Not like this, heck who knows how to call this weather. Winter is my favorite season... but not today.    The music in my headphones adds to the mood. I wish I had my own car, I'd take a long ride just to sort out my thoughts. Or, maybe, it's better I don't have any because I wouldn't be able to enjoy the ride and look out the window. I'm glad a taxi driver is not talkative like some others, I can dive into my thoughts. I switch songs over and over, not being able to find the one that matches my mood. I started to feel pain in my back because I have been sitting in a bent position on my side for a long time, but I don't care now.   I'm coming home from the clinic.. again. It's a few months already as I visit a doctor after a doctor, run many tests to find out any reason for my unknown condition but everything comes out in normal. What the actual heck? I'm 30 and sometimes I feel like I'm all 80: pain in the back, joints from time to time, annoying noise in my head.. or ears.. I don't know.. but it won't stop. A damaged digestive system due to antibiotics, which I was prescribed because I often got sick in recent years... What the f**k did I do wrong in my life to have all these in my still young years? I never smoked or drink, I never did anything that would harm my body... I'm suppressed.  Busy people are hurrying somewhere outside the window walking the streets. Where are they going? What mood do they have? Can somebody switch places with me?.. I chuckled in my head... Why do I feel my life is pointless? What if I live out my life like this? without happiness... And I.. I could have on... *ring*ring*, a phone call interrupts my thoughts. - Hello? - I didn't even check out who was the caller. - Hey kid! What are you doing?  - Umm.. I'm heading home. Why? - Where have you been? - my older sister asks. - At the clinic. I ran tests. Nothing.. as usual. How are you? - I immediately tried to change the topic of our conversation, having no mood for talking about me. Besides, she doesn't have to share my sick mood, I don't want. - Umm.. yeah.. Guess what! - she almost shouted joyfully. - You... You're happy? - I chuckled. - Haha, you're funny bunny. - now my sis laughed. - We're going to China with Andrew! - I hear through a phone call that my sister is dancing out of joy. - Congrats sis! - I smiled, feeling a little sad. Why? I should be happy for her.. Maybe it's because she's going to fulfill the dream we both had - to travel. - Thanks, kid! It's mostly a business trip, but his boss gives him a week of vacation after work is done. I'm so happy sis! Remember we wanted to visit China? All those ancient palaces, listen to live national music, watch and dress national cloths, try national food.. - she slowly pronounced the last sentence, each word. - Yes, sister, - I smiled bitterly. - Someday I'll go there with you too... - I wanted to finish my words but I was interrupted.  - Yeah, about that... Oh, I gotta go! Talk to you later! - my sister replied in a hurry. - Bye! Love ya! - By..e... - I replied quietly to a hang up phone call.   Now I'm recalling our past... We grew up in a poor family. Didn't see much in our lives. Our parents were trying hard to get us some food at least (although we have never had a healthy diet)... We almost never had new things or toys, but when they could get something for us we were happy beyond measures. And that was actually all.. No friends. (who wants a poor friend?) No journeys. We couldn't even have some family vacation - not enough money.. not enough... Some days we didn't have a piece of bread at home... hungry kids.. Mom was trying hard to prepare any food from some old leftovers of cereals she was looking for at home on dusty shelves... Thank god some good people my parents knew decades ago while young, sometimes visited us when they passed by.  When I went to school all kids were laughing at me for being dressed like an old lady. That's what they used to say. And again no friends in elementary school... My older siblings faced the same fate, only I found out about that years later. All this made me grow up with a pretty closed personality. Never had as much fun like other kids. My sister, the oldest out of us three, had to grow up fast. When parents were busy, she was the one who took care of us, prepared some food (just thinking about the fact she learned to cook at the age of 8 makes me feel embarrassed because I can't cook even half that good as she does), did laundries, sometimes even had time to play with us. I love her. I love my eldest sister. I can share with her much... Now I'm thinking about how much I missed my siblings. They are married, I'm single. I used to live with them, have time together, and now I feel most of the time lonely... But I'm happy that my siblings have found their second half. Wish them happiness...   Oh my God! I almost missed the destination spot where I wanted to get out of the taxi. I asked the driver to stop nearby the house because I didn't want any of the neighbors to see that I had arrived by taxi... They only know how to count other people's money, even though they have much more. They have almost everything, and when the poor man either scratches the money to buy something or takes a taxi because there is no other way, they will start buzzing for a few more weeks "Oh, did you see? They call a taxi so many times.. huh, got some money... God, what kind of people are they... Or we are unlucky to live in this neighborhood.   I got out of the car and headed home. A light breeze blew. Comparing to the strong wind in the city center, here it is quiet. I inhaled deeply a fresh air, raised my head, and looked up the monotonous gray sky, the bare canopy of trees, the waves of the grass.. "How beautiful!", I thought.. I would live somewhere far from the hustle and bustle of the city, without this "slave" work in an office for a boss, who is paid for your services much more than he gives you a monthly fee, and you, after all, are tired from work and do not even have time to do all the things you planned, I'm not even talking about a good rest.   I walked home slowly. Dad opened the door for me, helped me, tired, to take off my outerwear, and hung it on a hanger. My dog happily greets me! So happy as not having seen me for a week. My joy... I smiled happily.   I changed my clothes, took pills to treat my poor stomach, had a little lunch. I still had to finish work today, but I was still in a bad mood, so I decided to cheer up a bit. Instead of doing some hobby, I chose passive rest - watching movies. At first, I tried to look for something new, but later I decided to watch some Chinese fantasy drama. I love watching such movies. They help me plunge into the world of fantasy and forget about my sadness or anger, or it just helps me get lost in fictional stories where people have relationships. Lol, what an irony. I fill the gap in my friendships with movies. Pathetic.   But you know what? I have no idea why it's so hard for me to find one. They all start to be friends with me, but later stop communicating.   I watched the drama until late. Feeling very sleepy, I turned off the PC and went to bed. I want to dream that I am one of the heroines... Being very tired, I fell asleep instantly.   What will bring tomorrow?