Watercolor Girl

10

Ciaran

Ronnie strolled into my office a few hours later, catching Dargan and I in a compromising position. He just laughed. It’d be a lie if I said I liked him, but he was useful right now and had been a member of the pack since before I was born. Dargan grumbled, straightening herself before walking out, linking me various obscenities about his disrespect, who doesn’t knock on the damn door?

“Made it back. Looks like whatever put the flower out there grew em’ specific, so if they caught a wolf in the trap they wouldn’t be able to shift or heal.”

“And you only found one?”

“Didn’t really go looking for any more. Trap snapped and almost got your tracker, you pulled us out right after. But there’s more of them flowers out there. I’d bet there’s more traps with em.”

“They’re back Beta.” I reached out to Lev and got no response.

“Where’s Anjie? Beta’s about ready to fall apart. New mates, takes a bit for the initial surge to pass, you know, it’s stupid intense in the beginning.”

“She couldn’t shift back. Sat out by the edge where we crossed in. Flower’ll wear off eventually. But I wanted to chat with you about that one. Without the beta to hear it.” He spoke matter of factly. A wolf not being able to shift isn’t a small deal.

“Oh yeah? And what about her?”

“You ever seen that wolf? Like really looked at her good?”

“She’s big.”

“You take a look at her eyes ever?” I can’t say I ever really had. When we were all pups in our early teens we stretched our legs figuring out our wolves, but I didn’t remember anything off about her then.

“No, not that I can remember.”

“Wolf’s got black eyes. Black like the night. I think you got yourself an adaptation right there. Even the flower don’t seem to affect her like it should. She didn’t do no panicking, she didn’t get crazy and she sure didn’t get weak. Knocked me in the dirt right before we got to where they’re planted. Even coming back when that woulda been full strength messing her up, she led us back, knew she was leading me. She’d stop and wait. In all my years as wolf and healer, I ain’t never seen nothing like that. I think if you’re gonna figure this mess out. That wolf is gonna be your key. Beta ain’t gonna like it, not one bit, but you ain’t got another wolf on this continent who can do what that one just did. I baited her the whole damn time. Talked about her daddy beatin’ her, her mama running rogue and leaving’ her. The only time she got mean was when I called her mate the weak link of the Lyons bloodline. And I damn deserved it.”

I listened to him, he had been a healer as long as I’ve been alive. He’d seen what the flower does to wolves and if he was telling me she was different I believed him.

“Them Nightclaws come from an old bloodline, son, older then yours or mine or that beta you got. They come from the original settlers here in this land, bloodlines like hers, they just don’t exist no more. And there ain’t gonna be anymore since that brute ripped her guts out. You’d be wise to keep that one close, she’s got something that the rest of us just ain’t got.”

I nodded. Thinking.

“How long until it wears off of her?”

“Can’t tell with her. A normal wolf, I’d say days. But her, maybe hours? I remember when y’all brought her in, damn near in two pieces. You could see her spine through the hole in her belly. No wolf should have survived that. No ability to heal could of fixed her, and I know if anyone remembers that you do, Alpha.”

I do, vividly. Her lack of screaming, just her eyes looking at me when she struggled to hold her intestines inside her own body.

“Thank you, Ronnie. I may need you again in the future. But please keep this between us.”

“I ain’t know nothing, Alpha. She done good out there.” He left the office. And I sat pondering how exactly to proceed with the information he’d just given me before heading up to find Lev.

I was walking up the stairs to the Beta wing, Ravyn came sauntering out down the stairs, a chilly smirk on her face. I didn’t like it. She’d been in heat Lev for years and he seemed oblivious to it. I’d assumed that they kept each other company physically, being several years out of maturity and having not found their mates, it’s not uncommon. Lev wasn’t one to be promiscuous, as she was, so it always seemed a strange arrangement to me, but I was lucky and didn’t have to wait for Dargan like they did. I didn’t like her being here. Just as I was getting to the top, Patrick linked me. Patrick is the head of our patrol, we’d spoken briefly earlier regarding the area or avoidance and to keep the patrol away from it until we figured it out. The order had been distributed down.

“Alpha, we got a problem out here. Got pups out here being pups, Delta’s pup and another one I don’t know. Patrol escorted them back to the pack, but it isn’t going to be good if they find themselves in that area.”

“Increase patrol numbers. Let all of them know that no one should be on the outskirts right now. No need to tell them why, but make it clear.”

“Got it Alpha.”

“I can smell you, Alpha, why don’t we finish what we started before we were so rudely interrupted.” Oh my saucy little mate. Her drive rivaled mine, i immediately changed direction, forgetting completely about why I was going to the Beta wing.

Nox

Sun to moon, no Evie, no Til, no Lev. I curled up under the tree on top of her clothes, whimpering. Never alone so long, not without Evie. Everything hurts and I am scared. Wrapping my tail around myself for comfort. Can’t come home without Evie. We promised Lev.

Lev

I opened my eyes and found darkness. It’s impossible to tell the time in here, it’s always dark. I check my phone, it’s been hours, I reach out, but there is still no link. They have to be back now. They HAVE to be. It only took them a few hours to get out, it couldn’t take them this long to get back. The realization of earlier hits me again and I break down, disgusted. Utterly disgusted with myself. I think about Evangeline, the thought of anyone else’s hands on her, anyone else’s mouth on her. I text Alpha.

Where are they?

Dragging myself off the floor I stare at my phone. Waiting it feels like forever.

Been back for hours. Nox is out at the wood line. She can’t shift. I told you hours ago, where have you been?

I am the worst thing that’s ever existed on this planet right now. Til has been silent until now, raging in my head. How dare we leave his mate alone, how dare I. “She trusted you.”

I sprint, down and out of the pack house. It’s dark but I know where she crossed in. I stumble into the wood line, and there, I can hear her whining, before she crashes into my body. I reach out, but the connection isn’t there, there is no link. Til comes forward, wraps his arms around her, and presses his face into her neck. Her black eyes give away nothing, but her whine is high pitched and her tail is wagging uncontrollably. How long has she been waiting for us?

Nox

I see Lev, running, running, running. He comes close, I can’t control my tail or my whining. I am so excited to see my mate. He comes into the trees and I greet him, whining because I have no link. I have no Evie, but I have mate. My body won’t be still, even though I try. Til, I feel him reach out to me, but I cannot hear it, I can’t connect. I try to find Evie, she is there, I can feel her, but I can’t hear her. Lev stinks. He smells like that wolf. He smells different. But I don’t care because I am not alone. Evie will come back soon too. For the moment. I am not scared anymore. And I curl up on Lev’s legs. Waiting for Evie.

Evangeline

It’s like a fog is lifting. Initially, I fell into a dark box where I was alone. I couldn’t hear or feel Nox, and I had no link. There was an initial calmness to it, a quiet, but as time crawled on, I felt the panic. I was utterly alone and ceasing to exist, I felt empty, and I had never been alone like this. I had always had Nox, even before we could communicated or shift I knew she was there. I couldn’t feel her, or hear her, I couldn’t see her. It felt like a lifetime of floating weightless inside of a lack of existence.

Eventually it became like static, like white noise on a radio. The black became gray, and although I couldn’t hear, I could sense she was there, and I could feel her panic and her aloneness. It was comforting. Slowly it lifted, a little more, and a little more, and a little more. I was able to see through her eyes again. Her head resting on a lap, Lev’s lap. I could feel his hand on her head and I could hear him breathing. Quiet at first, it became louder and louder,

“Come back fierce little warrior. Come home to me.”

Nox jumped up and ran, she shifted, I wasn’t ready and ended up on my back. Dizzy and out of sorts, in a second I was in Lev’s arms and I could feel an excruciating amount of pain radiating from him. I held him tighter

“Lev.” He looked at me, his eyes were red and swollen. “What happened to you?” I said touching his cheek, he just held me tighter,

“Lev?” He looked at me again, “I’m naked in the woods right now. Can I please put my clothes on?” He let out a short laugh. Took a breath of my hair, and released me. I got up and dressed. I felt like I had been wearing these clothes for ages. As soon as I had straightened the last article of clothing, he grabbed me again, holding me so tightly, desperately, all I could feel was pain, so much pain. Familiar pain. He was sobbing, I didn’t understand.

“Lev what’s the matter, what’s wrong?”

“You were gone for so long. Just emptiness.” This wasn’t it. But I didn’t push any harder. Not right now. I took his hand,

“I’m tired, and I’m hungry, and I want to go home.” He nodded, and smiled, kissing the top of my head. We walked back to the pack house slowly. Lev was tense, and slumped, he looked smaller, almost frail. I held his hand tighter, so much hurt. Why so much hurt?

Lev

Nox jumped up, quicker then lightening, and I heard an Oof, there was my mate, my beautiful, tiny Evangeline. I picked her up in my arms and held her, breathing in her scent, holding her as tight as I could without hurting her. I wanted to feel her now before it changed, before she found out.

“Lev?” Her eyes held mine, searching, “What happened to you?” I just held her I just held her tighter. Before she reminded me she was naked in the woods. She asked me again what was wrong and I lied, but only partially, the hollow emptiness, the worry that she wouldn’t be back. It felt like someone had ripped me in two, had ripped out the best part of me. The only part of me that mattered.

“Burger, beautiful?” She nodded and her eyes lit up. I held her hand, tight, because I wanted to hold on to this. This moment.

She devoured her burger, I just sat and watched her, the way her nose crinkled and her guttural growls. It was adorable in her fierce little way. She wasn’t perfect, not at all, but she was my perfect. Her canines elongated when she ate, and I could see them tear into her burger. I loved something about it. There was a sort of wildness to her, to me, it was endearing. I watched her because right now she let me. And I wasn’t sure if she always would. When she was done I sat there waiting, the amount of water she put down was impressive but I imagine if she had nothing throughout the day and only her partial coffee she was parched. When she was done, her eyes were heavy and I could tell she was exhausted. I smiled, turned around and told her to jump up.

“I can walk.” She smiled at me.

“But I can carry you and I’d rather do that.” She climbed on my back and I clasped my hands under her thighs, her legs dangled, but she held me tight around my neck. Sniffing my neck. When we got upstairs she wiggled and kicked her legs.

“I’m gonna get a nosebleed from up here!! Put me down!!” I squatted and set her feet down, laughing, I tripped a little and stumbled forward landing on my knees. She laughed and stood in front of me, her arms outstretched to help me up, but I just wrapped my arms around her and held my head to her stomach, she ran her fingers through my hair, gently, and I broke down. Sobbing again. Just holding her. I didn’t want to go in there. Because I was going to have to tell her, and I didn’t want to. I knew I had to, but I just wanted to hold her a little bit longer.

She kneeled down in front of me, her eyes searched for mine but I looked away. She wiped away tears, and kissed my forehead.

“Lev, what is wrong?” I just kneeled there, slumped over burying my face in my hands. She wriggled under my arms, sliding her hands into my shirt and just holding me. Some of the ache dissipated with her touch, but I could feel her worry. A growing pit in the base of my stomach, and I knew for her it was worse. None of this was fair to her. I was a pig and she deserved so much better.

“Come to bed with me.” Her voice was small, quiet. Everything about her was quiet except the way she ate. The way she moved, the way she spoke, everything. I just wanted to be lost in her quiet. But I nodded, fishing the key out of my pocket, almost wishing it wasn’t there for my fingers to find. I opened the door, she walked in and looked at me. She took my hand and walked me to the bedroom, she closed the door and pulled me to the bed, she pulled my shirt off in the dark, and she wrapped her arms around me. I leaned into her and sobbed. She pulled my boots off and my socks, she started to pull off my shorts.

“Please don’t.” She stopped, she didn’t push any further then that. She moved to pulling the thin comforter back.

“Lay down.” The gentleness of her voice, I just wanted her to hold me. I couldn’t control what I was doing right now.

Evangeline

I could smell her the second he opened the door. My face had been inches from her face and neck, where a wolf’s smell is strongest. But this was different. It was her, but it was everywhere. I don’t think I’d ever seen an emotional display like this from a wolf ever. His pain ached, every time I touched him I could feel it pulsating on him, radiating off of him. What did she do to him?

Lev

“Lev, you need to tell me what happened in here.” I clung to her tighter, and she let me. “What did she do?” Her voice was quiet and gentle. She wasn’t accusing. I just held her.

“I’m so sorry.” I wept into her hair. “I don’t know why.”

“Tell me what happened.” She didn’t let me go, she held me, even tighter.

“I don’t want to.”

“I can’t help you if you don’t tell me what happened.” There was no harshness, no anger, just concern.

“You know what I did.”

“I want you to tell me what happened.”

“I” there was a long pause, silence, “Evie I slept with her.” It felt like someone tore my gut out and I couldn’t tell if it was my pain or hers.

“Shhhhhhhh, it’s ok, tell me what happened.” Still no anger, just concern.

“I don’t know what happened. She came up here and apologized. She was my friend, she had been, I shouldn’t of let her in, but I did. She said I looked like crap, I told her I was struggling because I couldn’t feel you. She asked if I’d ever wanted her, I told her maybe, maybe when I was lonely and seeing everyone else find their mates I wanted to look at her and feel sparks.” I broke down again and she held me closer, she kissed my forehead and combed her fingers through my hair slowly.

“Lev it’s ok just tell me what happened. I know it’s hard. But it’s ok.” I didn’t deserve her, I had never deserved her.

“She put her hand on my shoulder, and I went to move it, and then she was on top of me, she kissed me, and I let her, I kissed her back, then she was taking her clothes off…”. I recounted every detail, because if that’s what she needed to know I wasn’t going to lie to her. It took forever but she was patient and calm and gentle. And when I was done she just held me tighter and she wept.

“I don’t deserve you I never did. And I’m sorry, I’m sorry because you’re stuck to me, you’re tied to me and you can’t escape. You can’t void a mark.”

“I love you. Very much. And I’m not angry at you.” I could feel her tears, but I couldn’t hear her crying. Everything is so quiet.

“I hurt you.”

“No, not at all, not even a little bit.” She hugged me to her, I felt pain.

“I can feel it.”

“It’s yours, Lev. It isn’t mine.” She kissed my forehead again. Then she got up, and turned on the light. I blinked trying to adjust my vision to the brightness. She stood in front of me, and I wrapped my arms around her waist, pressing my face into her perfect little round belly. She brought her hands to my face. Asking for me to meet her eyes. There was no anger. “There is a name for what that was, there is a word. When you ask someone to stop, when you don’t participate, when you resist, when someone hurts you, it isn’t what you’re telling me it is. It is something else. And it is not your fault.” Her eyes welled up, and I could see and feel her own pain, and I recognized it. Like she tapped into it, to show me. “Just because they don’t leave you half dead in a gutter doesn’t change it, the circumstances are the same.” She kissed my forehead, so gently I almost couldn’t feel it. She walked around the bed, and laid down, opening her arms to me. I laid against her, with my head on her chest listening to her heart beat. Slowly her presence calmed me. I was drifting off. I squeezed her one last time.

“I love you, Evie, I love you even if you don’t believe me right now. Please don’t leave me.”

“I love you, Lev. You were made for me. I won’t leave you, not now. Never.”