Cascade; A Spicy Novella

“I’m really sorry Nat” “I’m not upset John” He stopped for a minute and examined my face to see if any hint of love was left. He would have to be searching for a long ass time. His face changed, I think he knew that I really wasn’t upset and he looked, hurt. Maybe he wanted me to beg him to stay, beg him to love me. I am not doing that. I am not begging a man well into his 40’s to change and act like he gives a damn. Both our daughters were at college now, we have muscled through parenting with me clearly being the default parent. I have felt resentment towards him for years but I never really spoke up. When I would ask for changes nothing would happen, except maybe for a week or two. Eventually, I just got sick of asking and sick of being let down. Sure, I begged in the past. Longed for him to see me as a woman on those long days of juggling kids when the last thing I felt like was a beautiful woman. I have begged for s*x more often than I care to admit. We had a decent s*x life before kids. Nothing like you see in the movies or read in those smut books but that s**t isn’t real, so in terms of real life, it was alright. After having kids, he always made me feel subpar somehow. I felt like I was no longer a woman but just a mom, even as the girls got older. I always took care of myself so I couldn't understand it. I didn't let myself go, I was worried if I did he would throw it in my face. I had always been a size 16, curvy but not unhealthy. I made time to get my hair done, and my nails. But none of that seemed to matter. He didn't criticize but he didn't seem interested either. We had the girls young. Twins at 22 was lot, but it’s nice to be 41 with kids in college and no longer at home. But I missed feeling sexy, I missed being wanted and touched. I craved it, but not necessarily from John. I craved it from someone who would actually want to touch me without me having to beg. I haven’t met this guy yet, maybe he’s not out there but a girl can dream. John worked and he helped and he did all the things a dad and a husband should do but never any more. On the outside I’m sure people will talk once we officially announce the divorce. “I didn’t see anything wrong with their marriage!” There wasn’t anything wrong per se, but it just felt...boring as f**k. Where is the adventure, the fun, the passion? This last election didn’t help. Things were heated around the country and we found ourselves on opposite sides of many issues. I started to see cracks, if we couldn’t agree on basic, fundamental things, how were we supposed to be together for 50 years without the kids here to distract us? Are we just going to be old people watching TV and bitching about the world all the time? Because that is not what I signed up for. Apparently John was unhappy too. He said “we have drifted apart” and that he just didn’t “feel happy anymore.” To be honest, I couldn't remember him ever being super happy to begin with. I’m confident he thought I would say “oh my god John, no way, please stay, I’ll do whatever I can” and then bend over backwards to make him happy. But why is it that I have to sacrifice my happiness for him to be happy? How hard is it to f**k me once a week and call me pretty? Apparently pretty damn hard. I’m not asking for a lot here and if he can’t do that, I’m sure as hell not packing his lunches, watching golf on tv or listening him b***h about politics anymore. So when I said “I’m not upset John” I can assure you that I meant it. I wasn’t upset. I was a little sad at the time I wasted being unhappy, a little scared because every decision I’ve made for the last 20 years was based on John or the girls and I no longer had to take care of them anymore. Do I date? Do I even want to date? Maybe I’ll just be alone and do what I want to do. I should be sad about the idea of being alone but I am not. I am actually....excited?