Love That Harms

"What did I tell you about talking to other men?" He asked angrily as he wrapped his hands around her throat. "I asked you a f*****g question, Tasha!" He screamed in her face. She was holding on to his hand, trying to pull it off her, but to no avail. She felt the air escaping her and she started to struggle for air. She caught a glimpse of him and he had a smile on his face. She has been through this too many times and every time, she fights, fights for her life. She wanted to run away, to even escape, but she keeps convincing herself that she loved him, and on the days that she doesn't feel the love, she convinces herself that he needed her, that she was the only one that understood him. But as days went by, her will to hold on to the little love she had left was getting harder and harder. For three years, three years of her life were spent in pain, fear, and rare occasions of laughter but never happiness. One minute he was hot and the next he was cold. He was so unpredictable that sometimes it caught her off guard. As she felt herself getting lightheaded, she took a deep breath. He was the first man she had ever loved and if she knew that loving someone would hurt her this badly, she wouldn't even have let herself love. It was not the physical pain that he was always inflicting on her, it was the fact that, despite the love she had for him, the one that she always shows, he still didn't feel the same way for her. Deep down she knew the truth but she would rather take the constant beating than admit the rejection. She closed her eyes, smiled, and allowed herself to let go. She had given up. She genuinely smiled, which she hadn't done in a long time. She suddenly felt herself hit the ground and, by default, she took in a deep breath. She lay still, she was ready to take whatever beating was coming. He looked at her and walked away. She heard the door being shut and she sighed. When she finally gathered the strength to move, she went to the kitchen and took a knife out of one of the drawers. She had never in her life thought about suicide before that day. Growing up, love wasn't something that she didn't know existed. Meeting him gave her the rush that seemed to have been missing. She felt complete, but now, now, she felt empty. She sliced one of her wrists and then the other one. She leaned against the dishwasher and watched as her hands bled out. She flattered her eyes and just when they got too heavy for her to keep them open, she heard the door open one more time. "Tasha!" she heard him scream. She hadn't heard that tone in two years. The worried kind of tone. Waking up at the hospital, she felt lightheaded. The room was bright as she adjusted her gaze. She took a deep breath in and out. "Tasha?" She heard his voice and her heart dropped. He was still there. She had dreamt that she had gone far far away from her and their paths never crossed again. In the dream, they had actually said goodbye to each other with a smile. It was a nice moment, upon remembering the dream, that she wished that she had actually passed on to the other side. She turned her head to the side to look at him and she was surprised. It looked like he hadn't slept in days. The beard that was never there seemed to appear and he had dark circles around his eyes. For a second, she actually thought that he cared, that he cared enough to worry. She took another deep breath as she watched him walk up to her bed.  "How are you feeling?" he asked with a low voice. He even sounded tired. She opened her mouth to say something but suddenly, the doctor walked into the room. After doing the usual check-up, he stepped away from her and sighed. He looked at the man, and then at the woman lying in bed. This was not the first time he had seen such couples. The one that gets abused and the man that would do anything to protect himself. It was a sad sight to look at. The woman was beautiful and it was a shame that she settled with someone like him. He called the police on him but, since there was no proof that he was actually the one that inflicted such bruises, no further actions were taken. "I have bad news. It seemed that you had a miscarriage." He watched as her face formed into a frown before tears started to fall down her face. The man's face did not change, it was as if he was trying to process what he had just heard. "I'm so sorry for your loss." He said and walked out of the room.  She slowly guided her hand to her stomach and rested it there. She didn't even know that she was pregnant. With all the stress and the constant harassment, she barely noticed that she had missed her period for the past two months. Her first instinct was to put the blame on the man that was sitting beside her. She wanted a reason to hate him. I despised him even, but her heart was telling her otherwise. She really wanted to, so badly, but ever since she could remember, her heart has never aligned with her brain. She could never hate him, after all; she did love him. As she silently sobbed, she had decided that she had had enough. The love she had for him was beyond the one she had for herself and it was the same love that almost cost her life and now her baby. Looking back at him, he had his head in his hands. For the first time since they met, she saw a tear streaming down his face. Her heart ached. "Please leave me alone, let me free." She spoke softly. "I'm sorry," he said as he reached for her hand. She moved it away and shook her head. "Never have I ever thought about leaving you. Not even once. Even though I knew you never loved me. You liked that you had someone that loved you, that you knew would do anything for you but you loving me? Has never crossed your mind." She continued. "No no no Tasha, please," he begged. She chuckled and shook her head as she went on, "I never thought I'd hear you say that word. Please. I don't blame you because, as much as it is mine, it would have been your baby as well, and perhaps this needed to happen for me to realize that my love for you does harm to me and more to an innocent child than good to you. I love you and I don't think I'll ever stop loving you, but I think I'll do that from afar. I wish nothing but happiness in your life and may you find someone that you can actually love and adore and have children that will show you how true love can be."