Cosmic Chaos!

Love, oh, love.

My date with Nick was approaching and I have to say, my feelings were all mixed the entire day before. Believe me, there is nothing wrong going on a date with a boy, it is something very natural, but for me, after all the confusion I was living in, it was very hard to take it as an easy thing to do. Moreover, I have always been the complicated girl with boys and to be honest, I have only been in only one relationship over the years. Not much for a rich kid, right?

Well as I have expressed before, I was a shy girl, so I would never make the first step. So that was the number one factor why I hadn’t dated many guys. Second of all, my family has educated me in a type of way, which has always made me think that I should be careful with boys. Well, my father has been very protective with me, I guess he knows how boys are when they are young and I may in some way get hurt by them. Whenever I got mad at him for not letting me go out with friends and stuff like that, he’d always say that he thought that I was too young and not ready to go out with friends. Moreover, he’d say, “I know that most boys are assholes, so I need to protect you. I am the main man figure in your life,” he said, “So I need to protect you.” Well back in the day, it was kind of hard for me to understand all this, but as I grew up, and after having my first relationship, eventually I understood what my father had been saying. The third, but not the less important reason, had also been my little sister. My mother always said to me, that if you want to be a role model for your sister, you need to act as a real woman. “She is always looking up to you, so you need to teach her the best things out there.” So, as you can see, I was raised in a way that would make me think not once, not twice, but ten times before I would go on a date with a boy. This thing had its benefits but also its disadvantages. In the way I was raised and taught, I think it had more benefits.

But now, it was a little different than before. It was this whole messed up situation that made me have doubt about my date. A few hours before, I had been thinking of refusing even though I first said yes to him. Why would I do that, you may ask? Not because of the fact that Nick wasn’t a great guy. Nick was an amazing man, both physically and also in his way of thinking. But for me, I was troubled in my feelings way too much, and I was scared that the date with Nick would trouble them more. You know, I started building a new life from scratch, and with a little luck, I had a consoled new life in another reality. But I still wasn’t completely separated from my other life. I was hoping that somehow in some way, I would go back to living normally. So why would I start something lovely with a person, if I had to go back to my other life? Somehow my feelings were mixed. What if at some point in the future, they would find a solution to my problem, and somehow I would wake back up in my timeline again, with my entire life back together and thinking that it was all just a beautiful nightmare, just an explainable dream. What if I get so close to Nick, fall in love with him, build beautiful things together, and then somehow, they find a solution and I lose it all once again as I did before. What would I do then? Should I choose between my prior life or a new life with Nick? That could become a very miserable and another troublesome event for me. I couldn’t afford any more confusion, depression or sadness. I was already lost enough in the two realities that crashed together, that should it come to a choice at some point, I would not be able to choose. And this would mean, that everything that the professor is doing, all of his work, would in eventually be up to a big decision that I’d have to make. And maybe all this work would amount to dust and we’d have done it for nothing. Or just maybe I was thinking way too much about what hadn’t happened. My date with Nick was only a few hours away, but with all this time traveling, I was already predicting and questioning everything that would happen next. All this time-traveling had hit me real hard, so much that I was already living between the past and the future, without enjoying anything form the present. Maybe because it really wasn’t the present for me, it was just a mixture between my old memories and the new present. I know this is confusing, and you won’t completely get it. I don’t get it either. All these things had been hitting me real hard, and I was lost in time and my feelings. But to spice things up, I wasn’t emotionally ready to make any decision at all about anything next. Because I was like a projection in this reality, and I didn’t know if I would be temporary or permanent. Let me ask you a question. What decisions about your life would you be able to make, knowing that you’d be repeating the same day, every single day? You could go on crazy adventures, and you would think it’s fun to do, but at some point, after you had done everything, you would think what is next to come? You wouldn’t be able to make any decision for your life, and all that insecurity at some point would kill you slowly, depressing every inch of you. And slowly you would die in that mixed reality and confusion. So was I, repeating the same thing, on a daily basis, days that I had been spending years before, without being sure of what is next. And with everything that I had before, it became lost somewhere in the universe. Believe me, it is so hard to express yourself, when everything is gone, you are dying slowly on a daily basis, and some part of you gets lost every day. You see yourself in the mirror and wonder if that reflection you are seeing is you or another person. That was me at that moment, doubting everything in my current life.

Anyway, at some point, I decided to go. After all the thinking that day, I asked for permission for a day off from work, so I would be able to think about the stuff that was troubling me. However, I couldn’t ruin what I had already built with Nick. That would create strange situations every day, and I think that I would make Nick feel so bad about himself. Knowing he was almost the same shy person as I was, you have no idea how hard it is for introverts to face people that somehow refused them for a date. I have never experienced that, but some of my friends have. And I am telling you, they would spend weeks in shame, just because of that. And I didn’t want Nick to feel that way, he didn’t deserve it. Another reason was that I had already been very lucky in this new reality with the people I had met, everyone had been so nice to me, and had helped with facing these problems, so why not give this date a shot? I could be luckier than I had been until that point in time. To add more, I hadn’t been on a date since Nicholas, the i***t, was my boyfriend. Nevertheless, why shouldn’t I go then? I had to give it a try. And I am telling you, I made the right choice going on a date with him.

So I had a few hours to get ready. Jessica had just come from work and let me tell you, that girl was more enthusiastic than I was. She was already jumping and telling me we should buy this and that. And to make it more fun, Joshua had just arrived from work, and he couldn’t refuse our invitation to go shopping. Well, if Jessica seemed enthusiastic, I could tell that Joshua was already depressed without even going shopping yet. We went to the nearest shopping center we could find and Jessica took me to the finest designed dresses. She was telling me to pick this and that up. And she somehow picked out around 15 dresses for me. And then she told me we had one hour to decide. Meanwhile, Joshua was just sitting there in a corner, looking like he was already done with shopping. The decision was hard to make, I could tell why Joshua would get easily mad with Jessica while they were shopping. She made me dress and undress plenty of times, usually finding many reasons why I should put on that dress and why not the other, until she finally liked something which I totally agreed on, to be honest. It looked lovely on me. Then I heard Joshua say:

- “Really Jessica? You made her try all those dresses plenty of times but you couldn’t see that this one fitted her better. Dang it. If I was you, this would be my first and last choice that is all I am saying. Joshua is out.”

But as per usual, Jessica kept on laughing at Joshua. The dress we chose was a beautiful, long, red dress, with some pink feathers on top of it. It was amazing and it fitted me perfectly. When we reached the counter to pay, Joshua told me:

- “This dress is a gift from us to you. We wanted to give you a beautiful gift and decided that this is our gift to you for your birthday. We know it is a couple of days later, but we wanted to make sure to give you something special...”

- “No Joshua, please, you don’t have to. This dress is expensive and I can’t let you pay so much just for me.”

- “Why are you even mentioning it? We also have a pair of earrings and a necklace for you. It is your first date, and since you helped Joshua with the proposal, we wanted to make you feel special on your date. So don’t say anything else, we love you and we want you to look magnificent today,” replied Jessica, with a heart-warming smile on her face.

I didn’t say anything to be honest. If I said a single word, I would have started crying. And I didn’t want to cry. I have had enough tears in the past months.

We went back to my apartment and Jessica helped me with the make-up and everything. We had less than an hour before Nick would get here, so she was trying her best to make me look perfect. Preparations were going well but we could also hear Joshua in the next apartment singing to himself. He was also very happy for me. We heard at some point:

- “Martha is going on a date, yeah yeah,

With some handsome boy, yeah yeah,

she doesn’t want to be late, yeah yeah,

so Jessica is helping her with so much joy, yeah yeah.”

They were both trying to help me be as enthusiastic as possible. Jessica at some point noticed that I was confused so she tried to cheer me up:

- “I know this date is not normal for you. Nothing is normal for you anymore. But hey, you are looking very pretty in the mirror and as far as I can see, we are making everything normal. So please, free your mind and enjoy your date, I don’t want him to see you sad. And you look very pretty today. I think he would be pretty shocked from your look.”

Those words, freed me from my emotions a little. I was still confused and lost in my thoughts but at some point I said, f**k it all, I need to have a great time.

Joshua kept looking outside of the window for Nick to arrive. While I was finishing getting prepared, I heard Joshua say:

- “Damn, this boy got class. Woah, that is a hell of a car to pick up a girl on a first date.”

Me and Jessica rushed to the window to look outside. And to my confusion, Nick had brought a limo on our first date. A limo. He had taken it too seriously. And to remember that I thought of rejecting him, imagine how he would feel after all these big surprises. And I guessed there was more to come. Nick was trying to make me feel like a princess. Before I left for the date, Joshua and Jessica stopped me and said that I should have fun and they needed to know every detail afterwards.

- “We need to know everything, and I am telling you, even if you come around 5 a.m, better wake me up. I need to know it all,” said Jessica, and at some point I could see tears coming off her eyes.

As I was approaching Nick’s limo, he came out of side door, and gave me a hug. You have no idea how handsome he looked. He was dressed very elegantly and we both looked like we were going to a prom night.

- “You look very beautiful, wow... I am speechless,” said Nick.

- “Thank you...” I replied, while my cheeks were already turning red.

He asked me if I was ready while opening the back door of the limo. As we entered the limo, he threw his arm around me and said calmly:

- “This is going to be one of our greatest nights, I promise. Everything has just begun, let’s enjoy it…”