In the Clouds

Chapter 2

“Why do you think people seek pleasure when they could easily achieve peace?” Morgan asked me as I slowly took a sip from my tea.

“Yeah, I’ve heard people talk about desire like it’s more valuable than remaining in comfort and peace for the rest of your life. What would someone who’s been in a relationship for almost a decade have to say about pleasure, desire, and more clearly, passion?”

I carefully placed my coffee back at the table, smiling at my friends. It’s the weekend and we’re out having an afternoon tea. We’re all in relationships but in completely different ones. Morgan’s in an open relationship, Heidi’s with someone really toxic and manipulative and I’m the one in a healthy, perfect one.

“People will always, always want to feel content,” I said, almost unsurely, but as I let those words out, I realized I knew what I was saying. I knew how I felt and how to communicate it, and so I continued, “But along the way when they’re at home and at peace and at everything they dreamt of when they wanted to find where they belong in the world, they sometimes forget that being content does not equate to being in the best place to be in, the best possible scenario: the greenest grass. Being content is not caring about those places because you feel like you always are in them.”

“So do people betray love because they’re not content?” Heidi asked.

We never really talk about our personal relationships, at least not directly, intentionally, or when we’re sober. But I know how they’re doing based on the questions they ask and the things they want to understand that they figure out through me—the only one in the relationship everyone dreams of.

“Yes,” I replied shortly and she looked like she wanted to cry.

I wonder what's going on between her and Garrett. I always knew her boyfriend to be a compulsive liar, but I never really heard anything about a third party being involved. Maybe Garrett's finally reached his final form, the highest level—a f*****g cheater.

I almost laughed at the thought, but I held back—of course—as I saw how Heidi looked at me, still waiting for me to continue speaking. I then decided to try to cheer her up: it's what friends are for.

“But it’s not because the places they’re in are not pretty, or beautiful, or good enough,” I comforted her, “It’s because they want to be in other places too. And sometimes, there will be people who’ll be like this but wouldn’t want to leave the place they’re in at the moment.”

I secretly glanced at Morgan who has fallen quiet beside us and I wondered what’s on her mind. I wonder if she ever feels bad about not being content with only one person.

I took a deep breath and explained, "That is because people like them do not really want to find the best place to be in—they want to be in different places at the same time. That’s contentment for them.”

“Is there anything wrong with that?” Morgan snapped, breaking her silence. I noticed she spoke in a defensive tone, almost pissed off. “Isn’t two—or okay, maybe even more—always better than one?”

Of course, she will say that. She’s in a non-monogamous relationship.

I paused for a while, thinking of what to say because there really isn't anything technically wrong with what she's doing considering her boyfriend's aware she sleeps with other guys.

After I gave it some thought, I answered, “I guess it’s all just a matter of perspective. I don’t think I could really give out so much love when I’m splitting it between different people. I think you could only really give it your all, pour your heart out completely when it’s for one person alone." After speaking, I noticed she looked even more pissed off now.

I know she got what I said, she’s just restless and can’t stop f*****g other men, and luckily, her boyfriend’s kind enough to let her.

Her boyfriend, Tristan, has always been in love with her since God knows when and they would’ve been as perfect as me and Elon, but Morgan cheated multiple times. However, Tristan—who loves Morgan way too much—proposed an open relationship instead of ending things with her, and so this leads us to the present events where Morgan sleeps with whomever she wants, while Tristan waits for her at home, picking up pieces of his heart that are constantly being shattered by a woman who does not really care about anyone but herself—and they call it "an open relationship" to make it look like it's okay.

And she never really told me that but stories find their way out into the world and into the mouths who told me.

“But yeah, that’s just me,” I muttered, intentionally annoying her even more and I took a sip of my tea.

“That’s beautiful, Tatianna,” Heidi complimented me and I chuckled. “I agree with you about only being able to give it your all when it’s for one person alone. That’s why I never thought of anyone else despite all the challenges me and my boyfriend are going through.”

And by "challenges", she meant her boyfriend’s toxicity and constant manipulation towards her.

“Challenges are what proves if love is real, I guess,” I told her as I held back saying she’s just plain stupid. She gave me a smile, but it quickly faded away when Morgan placed her cup of tea back to our table forcefully and noisily, expressing obviously how annoyed she is.

“Heidi, stop being so f*****g stupid.” I almost dropped my cup of tea when Morgan—who’s been quiet again for quite a few minutes, and who broke her silence suddenly again just now—started speaking. “Garrett is a serial liar; a manipulative f**k and I wouldn’t even be surprised if he’s f*****g your neighbor right now.”

I was ready to stand up and keep them both from choking each other to death, but to my surprise, Heidi remained calm. She didn't look mad, she instead looked deeply hurt.

“I know what Garrett is, Morgan, and that’s what distinguishes me from stupid people,” she said gently as if trying not to lose the tiny strength to speak that she’s left with. I felt bad for her, so I reached out to hold her hand. She gave me a weak smile and continued, “Stupid people wouldn’t be able to see the truth, they’d just be wearing rose-tinted glasses all the time, but I’m not being stupid, I am just way too in love, Morgan.”

I didn’t really know what to say or who to side with. Morgan is stupid, but Heidi is plain cruel.

This just reminds me of how too much kindness is actually just stupidity in nicer words. You can't be the kindest person in the world and claim you're not dumb. Maybe this is why I've always been a little rude and cold to people. I fear becoming stupid.

“If I’m going to weigh things, yes, it’s hard being with Garrett. But it’ll also be hard not being with him. I know it's wrong to stay with him, and the right thing to do is choose myself, but people like you will never understand how change can be so, so scary.”

“What the f**k do you mean by ‘people like me'?" Morgan said, pointing to herself. I took a deep breath as I felt things heating up. "People like what, Heidi? People who are happy?”

“Let her finish,” I said, surprised by my interference. I then realized that I wanted to understand what Heidi was saying because I, too, do not understand how the only constant thing there is could be a scary thing. I've always learned to familiarize myself with change and although there are some changes I'm not completely fond of, I never really thought about fearing change. I never really wanted to stay in one place, be normal, and live simply. I've always worked hard to get out of places I do not like: to change things.

“I know I’m better off without him. I know he’s not good for me. I know our relationship is unhealthy and full of toxicity, and that’s why I don’t want to leave him.”

I still don’t get it. She just listed out things as to why she should want to leave, how could she say she doesn’t want to right after?

I continued listening to her.

“I don’t want to leave him because I already know all this. I’ve become familiar with the pain of choosing him, but the pain of leaving him? That I know nothing about.

"The scariest thing about change is being in the unknown. I don’t know how long I’ll be spending every night hearing my heart beg to be with him. I don’t know how bad it’ll hurt. I don’t know if it’ll get better over time or maybe it’ll just get worse. I don’t know the pages of that story and I do not wish to know. I’d rather stay where I am and reread this horrible, painful story of us over and over again than to read another whose pains are a stranger to me.”

Exactly after Heidi spoke, my phone started ringing. It’s Elon.

“I’m just going to go take this call,” I informed them as I stood up and walked away from our table. I felt my heart pounding as I answered Elon’s call. “Hey, Love.”

“I miss you,” he started off, making me want to just melt right where I'm standing. I chuckled as I felt like a child wanting to jump around the café.

“I miss you too,” I said softly, with all sincerity. It has only been several hours since we separated ways this morning, but I do miss him already. I miss him like I’ve never been with him.

It's a weird thing to miss something or someone you've never had. It's weird because it's the strongest form of missing.

“Really? You mean that?” he asked, making me laugh.

“Of course, I do. Who wouldn’t miss such a sexy man like you?” I jokingly said and I wish I could just kiss him right now.

“Okay. My gut feeling was right,” he muttered, making me chuckle. I glanced over at my friends and noticed they haven't spoken to each other at all since I walked away. “For some reason, while I was out with my cousins, I knew you were missing me like crazy over here, so after hanging out with them, I rushed over here to pick you up.”

I wanted to scream, jump, and tell everyone I’m in love, but instead, I quickly looked around in panic—a good kind of panic—searching for my baby in the crowd.

And there I saw him, outside the café, with his back leaning on his car, and a hand waving at me.

He’s in a plain white shirt and black pants that I already saw earlier, but seeing him from far away—surrounded by the rest of the world—made me feel a strong urge to just hide him, afraid someone would take him from me. But we're both just humans and all I really could do is hope and beg that the world does not take my love away from me.

I ran towards him in excitement, making my way out of the café and into his arms.

“Baby,” I whispered, as I let my heart get consumed by his familiar scent. This is my favorite feeling that only Elon could make me feel—the feeling that he's always gonna be here like that handkerchief or pillow that's always ready for you when the world gives you tears to let out.

He's my lifeline.

“Aww, you missed me that much?” he asked as he hugged me even tighter. I nodded. “We should never have left home this morning,” he jokingly said and I laughed.

“Yeah, let’s not make the same mistake tomorrow.” He laughed and pulled away from our embrace to look at my face.

“You’re so beautiful, my Tatianna,” he said sincerely, making me want to go back to hugging him again, but he slowly caressed my face with his warm hand and I felt so at home.

His hands are where I belong.

“I hate being away from you because there’s no part of the world that could be as beautiful as you," he whispered in a deep, low voice, "Do you know how frustrating it is to see so many people when you only wanna see one? Nothing and no one could ever make me feel the way you do, and I love that feeling; I hate it when that feeling isn't filling my heart up.”

I laughed and nodded. He chuckled and gently pinched my cheek, still staring at me with his lovey-dovey eyes.

“Don’t laugh at me, I was getting all emotional a while ago thinking about you and how much I’m in love with everything you are,” he whispered with eyes that look like they’re in love with all of my soul.

“I’m crazy in love with you, too.”

He slowly leaned in to kiss me, and it felt like we were apart for so long as I felt his lips play with mine. I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him in even deeper. I felt my heart jumping and falling and tumbling all at the same time inside my chest when he smiled while we were kissing.

It was as if the whole world stopped, and I badly wished that it did so it could watch us and see how beautiful our love is.

We were still making out and I was still falling head over heels for Elon all over again when Morgan and Heidi came out of the café.

“We have to get going,” Morgan started off. She looks and sounds like she can’t stand to stay here a second longer anymore, so I nodded. “Hey, there,” she greeted Elon. He smiled politely and waved to her.

“I have to go, too. Someone decided to kidnap me,” I gestured towards Elon, making them smile.

“I also have a dinner date,” Heidi excitedly said and I chuckled. “I know it’s only like, almost five in the afternoon, but I’ve got to go and look pretty,” she added.

“Of course, of course. Enjoy yourself,” I said, giving her a wink. She laughed and greeted Elon too before leaving.

Morgan gave us both a wave goodbye and walked away from us and towards her car. And just like that, we’re left alone together again with nothing to do and no one else to meet and for some reason, it feels like the best thing ever.

“I finally have you all to myself again,” Elon whispered playfully to me as he planted soft, gentle kisses in my neck, making me laugh.

We went back home together and cooked dinner together, ate together, washed the dishes together, watched a movie together, showered together, and made love right there in our bathroom until it brought us here—to our bed.

I love saying the word "together" whenever Elon and I do the simplest things. It makes those simple things seem so magical.

Now we’re both lying in bed and as I stare at his face peacefully sleeping, I remember that it’s past midnight and I’m supposed to be sleeping. I’ve been laying here for hours just staring at him, but nothing about him really crosses my mind.

You know those moments when you spend so much time looking at something only to realize your mind hasn’t even processed any of what your eyes see and it’s instead thinking of something so, so far away? I'm in that exact kind of moment right now and I don't know how to get out of it.

And that thing far away from me right now that I can’t seem to shake off my mind is a memory—a memory of what Heidi said before Elon called.

I’ve felt genuinely happy spending the last few hours of my day with Elon, doing the simplest things but the most priceless ones, but now that there’s nothing else left but me, the dimness of this room, and the silence that’s surrounding me—suffocating me, I can’t seem to think of anything else but what Heidi said about fearing change.

And I don’t know why, I sincerely do not know why.

When was the last time I was in the unknown? When was the last time I decided to do something different, be someone different?

I squeezed my eyes shut as I heard questions in my mind that were even more confusing and frustrating.

But the questions didn't stop ringing and echoing in my mind. So I opened my eyes again, took a deep breath, and let these questions consume my mind just for tonight.

Am I scared of change too? Do I fear the unknown more than unhappiness?

And what am I supposed to do after knowing the answers to my questions?

What is one supposed to do when they realize there’s something so wrong in their perfect life?