In the Clouds

“Tell me how to secure a place in heaven,” I told the priest as he was walking to the altar. “I have always been a good person. I never committed treason in any way, especially not to my beloved. I have cured a lot of people. I have been a good daughter. I attend your masses every Sunday. I never committed any crime. I also donate to various organizations from time to time. I even have the ten commandments memorized!” I listed everything good about me that I could think of. I sounded desperate, but I don’t care anymore. I need to feel assured and safe knowing I’m dying. “So tell me, why are you saying that you can’t tell if I’m going to heaven?” He paused for a moment, making me a bit impatient. I’m here blabbering so much as if I’m running out of time—which I actually am—and he’s here taking all the time in the universe. “Do you have faith in the God Almighty?” I stood up from my seat and this time, he stopped walking, but still isn’t turning to face me. “Of course I do! I just told you! I am not a sinner or a disobedient servant, Father,” I said impatiently. I noticed I was answering too quickly. “All I’m asking is for you to tell me how to be a better servant to be deserving of the paradise after death. Do I have to confess my sins? Do I have to do some kind of prayer—” “Are you happy, Tatianna?” he asked, cutting me off. I paused for a while, processing his question this time, then I nodded quickly. “I am. I work as a cardiologist, I am loved by a man who’s good to me—whom I also love, I have always been kind to others all my life as well. Anyone who knows me would know I am perfectly happy,” I said, my voice loud and echoing in the walls of this empty church. I’ve grown familiar with this church since I go here with my lover every week, but I have never seen it so empty. It’s a fascinating thing to think you know something very well, only to know there’s a version of it that’s a mystery to you. It’s fascinating how something could be so familiar one second, and a stranger in the next. I let this thought consume me for a while as my eyes couldn’t help but wander around the empty, quiet church that’s making me hear myself more, along with the desperation in my voice. He stayed silent for a moment and then continued walking. I hate silence. It makes me impatient, it disturbs my thoughts and my peace of mind, but I had no choice but to wait for what he’ll say, it’s not his job to answer me anyway, he’s already showing me too much kindness by giving me his time just to help me accept my fate. I was getting a bit frustrated by how he won’t look at me. I always knew that to be a gesture of disrespect, but he is a priest! How could he be disrespectful? I quickly abandoned the thought. “You have a comfortable life,” he muttered, making me feel relieved for he finally broke the silence. I felt proud as he called my life comfortable, and I know for a fact that it is. I have been born in a comfortable life, and I worked hard for it to remain that way. “How about contentment?” he then continued giving me questions, “Are you content with those things? Are you content with living an easy life?” “Of course, who would not be content with such great things?” I asked him, but he did not seem to want to answer, so I went on, “No one would wish for a difficult life. Of course, I would not ask for more." I wonder if he’s getting annoyed with me and my quick answers and desperation. “Would you still feel content without those things?” “What?” I was confused. What kind of question was that? Is he trying to make me look like a bad person? “Would you still be content if you weren’t wealthy and loved by a man and admired by other people and have little to no hardships at all?” “Well—” I was surprised when he suddenly turned to face me and I found myself at a loss for words. What has this conversation turned to? I only wanted to know what is needed to be done to go to heaven knowing there’s nothing I can do to get rid of this illness I’ve been diagnosed with just a week ago. How could he ask me such an illogical question? Is he giving me a trick question in purpose to make me look like the typical ungrateful and unfaithful Christian? I started to contemplate whether going here was a good decision, but I know there’s no turning back, and I might as well make the most out of it. “Honestly, Father? That’s an absurd question.” I was half-expecting him to get taken aback by my response but he looked at me with such calmness, almost as if this was the response he was expecting from me. For some reason, it annoyed me more because although I might not say it out loud, I’d prefer it if he reacted rather badly. “No one would be content with an unsuccessful life like that. Everyone wants and needs money." I could feel the mood in the church change as I speak. It didn’t feel spiritual anymore: if that even makes sense. I shrugged off such pointless thoughts and continued talking, “That’s why people study or work hard, some people even do both at the same time. People go meet and date others to find the perfect match. Human beings strive and struggle every day just to make things easier for themselves—that’s how inventions are created! If people were content with not having things easier, no one would invent anything!” As soon as I finished talking, I felt a bit shocked by the rush of emotions in me. He took a deep breath and I felt my heart beating faster. “Tatianna," he said in a calm, gentle voice, "I am not a doctor. I do not have a wife or a husband. I am not wealthy. I have also never invented anything.” “Father, that’s not what I intended to—” “I did not study or work as hard as people like you did. I didn’t go out into the world to meet and date people in a quest to find the perfect match for me. I don’t struggle every day trying to make things easier for myself,” he said in a voice of respect and authority, leaving me speechless. I remained silent, and I felt the spiritual mood of the church come back—and this time, it made sense. “But my God knows I am content, and I would remain like this even if He decides to give me a life less comfortable because I love what the Lord gives me—whatever that may be,” he continued, making me remember the story of Job, that man who was tormented by Satan in order to test his faith. I never really understood that story. If God really loved Job—a faithful servant and a good, wise man—how could he let such horrible things happen to him? I ignored the thought, knowing I shouldn’t question the words of the Bible. I turned my attention back to the priest, who continued talking, “There will be times I’ll have to fight for change, and in those moments, I will still be content. This is because I love myself, my life, and my God. And most of all, because I have put my trust in Him.” “Are you saying I do not love myself, my life, and my God? And that I do not trust Him?” I asked in both confusion and defensiveness, and to my surprise, he smiled at me warmly. “Come back when you learn how to dance in the quiet, Tatianna,” he said, sending chills down my spine. I didn't know what to say all of a sudden. “When the day comes that you learn not only to dance when the world provides you music, but also when it does not, let’s talk again.” And just like that, he walked away from me, leaving me with no answers, and even more questions. But for some reason, I could not continue asking anymore. ** This is a story of finding one’s meaning of life. This is a book of revelation, love, existential realizations, and of human life and death.