THE GAY BARTENDER

chapter fifty

Archer.

"Get up!" A blast of cold water sent chills down my spine .

"What are you doing?" I roared

Mona stared at me clutching a bucket on her hands .

"We need to talk."

"Leave me alone " I said ducking down and wrapping my hands around my head .Mona slapped me on the head and with surprising strengths pulled me in an upright position.

"Stop it ! stop it ! This instance ."

I collapsed onto the bare bed .

"You just can't get over your self, huh" she was furious.

"Why can't you just go over there and talk to her?instead of shitting yourself off like a damn recluse?"

"God , both of you are out of your minds .It's like I have to press both of you together and undress you just to get you to do the deed."

"Mona.."

"No, I don't want to hear anything you have to say. There is something you have to hear:you are decisional you i***t, the girl want to be with you even if she says that she doesn't .she is torturing herself right now and is thinking about you every second. I bet you she is probably staring at her phone right now.

" Are you sure, Mona"

"Urggh, how can you be so blind. You save the girls life. I know you did. You don't even have to tell me what happened."

"I-"

"Shut up and listen to me. " she threw the phone onto my lap. I grabbed it and threw it against The wall.

"Iam at my wit's end . I have done everything I can but I can't heal the blind."

"I'm not blind ."

"You are blind, why can't you see that."

"I'm a monster," she laughed .

"Is that what you think you are ?"

" I was almost killing a man and it took a lot from me to stop myself , a lot of begging from her actually."

"Good," she exclaimed.

"What is wrong with you?"

"what did he do?"

"He took a hot blazing knife and put it on her throat."

"You should have shot him right between the eyes." She stood up to show me where.

"Did he get to her?"

"He tied her up"

"Was she screaming?"

I fell back onto my head too upset to say anything, so I nodded my head.

"That really hurt when you heard her screaming, right?"

"Dont do this Mona. You are wrong."

"You are not a monster, you are in love. The proof is all around you, the kind of man you are trying to make yourself out to be doesn't understand the concept of love."

"It doesn't matter how I feel . she's never going to be with me. She's afraid of me. She ....saw.. me "

"Anyone in your situation would've lost control. That doesn't make you a killer. It doesnt seem like you areva cild blooded psychopath killer.It seemed like you were faced with the responsibility of seeing her die . I'd have shot him.Does that make me a

I blocked her out.

Archer , you know I'm right . what did she say?"

"She begged me not to . Then she started saying that she couldn't be with me if I hurt him . I still tried to strangle him and she was screaming .

Any longer and he would have been dead."

"The shock will easily wear off. "

"How could you easily say that ."

"She's not as blind as you are."

"I don't know that ." Mona sat down next to.me and wrapped her arms around my shoulders. I rested my head on her shoulders .we didn't say anything. She knew that I might be right even from her sharp pragmatic perspective. This was too much for Maya.

"I need her here."

"I know."

"No, you don't know."

I let go of her. You don't get it. The whole room smells of her, the mattress ,the pillows ,the canopy in the air.I can practically feel her. I can see us together every time. Its torture " My voice cracked.

"I know."

"Why is this happening.?"

"Its a test . I know that sounds terrible , but that's exactly what it is . If she walks away and doesn't come back then she's too stupid to see how good of a man you are and she doesn't deserve you."

"I don't deserve her!/why can't you understand that?"

"Because you're human and in order to truly love someone you need to move past your ideal version of who they are. If they can't do that then they can't love you for all the amazing things that make you, you."

She glanced down at the floor where I had left a fifth of whiskey from the night before.

"You're beautiful too Archer and you need to love yourself too, because if you don't ,you are going to keep going for the woman who is going to hurt you. You didn't see Clara like I did. You wanted somebody who is going to hurt you and now you want Maya, and if she can't accept you even if she comes back , you'll be making a huge mistake."

"How can I loave myself after what I've done. You have to see it in the context of my actions and the state of my relationship."

"Not when you are this emotional, but I know after some time ,regardless of what happened youll see things in a different light. She's the one who's wrong .you didn't act like a monster , you proved yourself to her."

"I can't cling to any of this."

"Fine, " she got up.

"Hide from the world , Destroy your life. Drink like there's nothing left. Its your choice. She walked out. I got into the shower and turned the water on as hot as I could. I needed the pain. It felt good to know that there was something wrong with me.

I grabbed my loofa and poured soap on it, determined to hurru up and get back to work. When I started scrubbing, I couldn't stop. I felt dirty , like I was tainted by my own actions.

Even when I saw blood running down the drain it wasnt enough. I'd never be clean.

I would have killed him

My skin was raw and burning, and my eyes were bloodshot. It didn't matter .I threw on the first shirt I could see and gobbled on a pair of pants , then sat down on my bed to put on my shoes and shoes.

" Archer" Mona called from the nursery. I stepped into my shoes and ran down to see what she wanted .

I leaned against the banister , My breath caught in my throat.I couldn't allow myslef to think of her . I had thousands of people looking up to me and a whole company running and I was acting like a child. This didn't matter, it didn't. I told myself. She's just a woman.

I shook my head and started walking back down.she wasn't just a woman she was Maya. Without her, I would end up just like my father . Mona was right I couldn't handle the pressure of raising the kids alone, and I wasn't whole without a woman by my side. I never was .

I waited outside for the driver to pull up. My phone was buzzing way before we reached to the road, but I didn't have the energy to deal with it.I wasn't sure it was okay for me to go to an office after what had happed but I knew if my staff didn't see me , they'd talk and ask Questions. I was the boss. I couldn't have a visible crisis. I had to turn and go back home.

I pressed the intercom button to talk to the driver.

"Sir?"

The black leather seats and the windows were fading away , and I was standing over Mr. Bettle with a gun pointed at him.

"Sir?"

I was ready to kill him, I had my finger on the trigger and I was about to do it.

"Sir, is everything okay?"

"Sorry, I pulled my finger off and looked around the cabin. I was in the limousine, it was over , he was alive and he got what he deserved.

But I was still a monster, I still strangled him even though Maya stopped me I still did it anyway. We stopped at a checkpoint around. My window was rolled down and the MP was staring at me with his hand held out.

" ID?"

"Here" I pulled down my pocket to get him the card. The man gave me an odd look before scanning it. He took his time reading it and checking it from the back.

Then he handed it back to me, go on through.

The chain link gate opened and we entered into the base I was going to lock myself inside the office all day .

It didn't matter who came to front office or called. It could be the President himself and I still wouldn't open the door for him. That was the only way I could keep myself from exploding.

The receptionist was waiting at the back when we pulled up . she came right up to my window and knocked.

"Sir?"

"Go away" I yelled through my window.

" But sir, its important."

"I don't care right now, Angela."

"But sir,"

I pressed the intercom.

"Do you want me to pull out , " the driver asked me.

"Take me to the testing.when we get there, tell everyone to leave except the supervisor."

" Yes sir, " He put the carbon reverse and Peeled out. I diidn't know what I was doing , but all I knew is that I wasn't ready to get into the office and be bombarded by a thousand ond one things at once and I knew what would happen.

I couldn't let anyone see my like this. The only person was Moses , the only person who I trusted to see me like this. He was sloppyband rude but he was real. Vulgar too. He was the only one who didn't anything from me. The limo pulled over at the back of the warehouse and the driver got out so that Moses could talk to him.. They had a long exchange and all I could do was put my head down. But I knew that they both knew something was wrong.I should've left. Mosescwas not talking and neither was the driver, but I was making a scene , people were going to know.

Moses crawled back to my seat and asked if there was anything wrong.

"f**k everyone, I shouldn't have come here."

" what's wrong, you look like you are about to fight with a bobcat."

"Somebody broke into Maya's house and tied her up and tried to attack her.

" Holy s**t. Did you get him ?"

" what is that supposed to mean?"

"Tell me you did something."

"I went too far"

" is he dead?"

" no, he's not,"

"Thats too bad , " Moses shook his head ,

" If someone came after my girl , I would pit him to the f*****g ground after I would torture him."

"That's sick."

"What?No. Don't tell me you are beating yourself up over this shit."

I almost killed him, she was begging me to stop. I kept going, I kept going Moses , and had she not been there he would have been dead. She was right to leave me, I slammed my hsnd against the window and it nearly shattered.

"She left you? Forget about her Archer, you risked your life for her