Vicious

The gravel crunched beneath my boots as I approached the large steel gate structure that stood as the entrance into the Hell Hounds compound in London.  I hadn't been able to get hold of Sadie for the last three days. It wasn't like her to simply not answer - so I knew something must have gone down. In fact I had even contemplated asking my father to look into it. Contemplated it, but I didn't follow through. With Cole at her side Sadie was safe, protected. Those were two words I often despised, because they were rarely associated with freedom.  Three days.  That's how long I had known for.  Three days ago I couldn't lie to myself any longer about the nausea, the tender breasts, the weird as hell smells, and the eventual vomiting.  And so as I sat on the couch, my knee bouncing as I waited for the pregnancy stick to decide my fate, I watched in trepidation as one line, slowly became two, confirming what I already knew.  I had hoped I wasn't. I had hoped that I could chalk it up to stress or simply my body being weird. But no, after the fourth test I couldn't even try and deny it to myself. I was pregnant, and while I had always welcomed men easily into my bed I hadn't been with anyone for a month before Axel and I hadn't been with anyone after him. So it didn't take a genius to know that Axel was indeed the father.  Sure I didn't have to go through with it. I had choices, I knew that. But the more I thought about it, the more I realised that I didn't want that to be my choice.  So I looked around my plush fancy apartment - worth far more than my graphic designer salary allowed thanks to my father, and made the decision to go and see Axel. This kind of information shouldn't be dealt with over the phone. It needed to be done in person.  The floor to ceiling windows encompassing the corner penthouse apartment mocked me, taunting me about my lifestyle. Is this really what I wanted to bring a child into?  I had a strange nostalgic hope centred around family pancakes for breakfast and throwing balls around in the yard, but I swallowed it down for the fairytale that it was. I had seen too much to know that that wasn't how things played out.  I didn't know how Axel would take the news. In fact, I knew very little about Axel - only the tidbits that Sadie shared and the little he had told me about himself while he was staying with Sadie in Luxembourg for a time. One night. We had one drunken night of hands fumbling against clothes. Of zippers sliding down and the unclasping of other items in the darkness. Of scurrying behind doorways so that Sadie wouldn't see or know - because we both knew that this thing between us was an impossibility. Axel came with his own demons and I had a wealth of skeletons and secrets that I didn't want anyone to know.  It seemed my time for covering up was over. Because as much as I didn't want to go down this path, Axel had a right to know.  I wasn't even sure if he wanted kids, and if he didn't I was actually okay with that - it would make things a hundred times easier for me. I was financially set to look after a child, even if it wasn't purely my hard earned salary paying the bills. And I supposed when I did tell my father, he would eventually provide the support I needed. I could have nannies and au pairs to my heart's content. Yet, something about those options didn't sit right with me. I needed to give Axel the option.  My father was going to be furious. I knew that. Already, I was on enemy soil. When I left here I would have to call Lucio - and that would come with its own fallout. Hell, he probably already knew I was here courtesy of my tracker. They changed up where it was all the time, simply because I kept dumping any item that had a tracker in it. My phone? I would simply get a new one. Jewellery? I would miraculously 'lose' pieces. That was when I was younger and didn't fully understand what was at stake, now I didn't fight the tracker. Honestly, there was no point.  As if my sheer thoughts could summon him, Lucio's name flashed across my screen. I rejected the call and quickly texted him:  "I'm fine, just visiting a friend from Lux who's moved to London".  I had to do something, lest he arrive here with his men in tow. And he would. For me, he would.  A second later my phone flashed with his reply.  "This isn't part of protocol. Call within an hour. Otherwise we're coming."  And just like that, I was on a time limit.    But still, I stood there, bouncing within my leather boots, my tight fitting jeans feeling slightly too snug, and watched in awe as bike after bike drove in, parking on the asphalt in the lot of the clubhouse. My black sleeveless button-down shirt barked back to the fifties, the low cut showing off my cleavage. I swear my boobs had gotten bigger.  I was chewing peppermint gum to try and ease the nausea when a wolf whistle sounded out towards me from the under covered seated area that almost resembled a restaurant. I shrugged it off, knowing that I attracted looks. My dress sense, tattoos and s****l exploration had made sure of that - and normally I didn't mind. But today I was nervous. My palms were becoming clammy, my yellow retro nails cutting into my palms, and I was fighting the nausea sweeping through me - and at this point I didn't know if it was nerves or the pregnancy. The bandana holding my hair back was itching against my scalp. Everything felt too much. Too out of place. As if I didn't fit. And the truth was nothing about this situation fit.  What started out as a simple way to annoy my father and assert my independence, soon became my identity. And I reveled in it. But here and now? It was the first time in a long time that I was doubting my appearance, second guessing myself. And it annoyed the s**t out of me.  I wasn't this girl. I wasn't this self conscious withering girl who thought her only value was her appearance and pleasing a man. My father had many of those women, and growing up I vowed that I would become the complete opposite of that. And so here I was.  Nervous. Nervous to meet Axel. Nervous to tell him that I was pregnant. Just nervous.  I watched as Sadie slid off the back of Cole's bike, as if that was where she had always belonged. Dark rings sat under her eyes, and yet I don't think I had ever seen her look happier. She looked like she belonged here, clad in jeans, a tight fitting black shirt and a leather jacket, her blonde locks came tumbling down when she pulled the helmet off.  All very cliche. All very Hollywood.  Which only made me feel even more out of place.  She spotted me the instant they rode in, her boots taking long strides as she got to me quicker than I had anticipated.  "Vivienne? Are you okay?" She asked me.  I didn't know how to answer that, and so I gave her a tight smile and said, "Hello Sadie, is Ammo around?"  Cole was close by, protective over Sadie in a way that made my heart pang in longing. Not for Cole, but for what they had. Sadie deserved it though. She deserved his love and more. He c****d his brow at me knowingly, and I supposed as President of the club it was his job to be informed. So while there was no way he knew, he may certainly have his suspicions. Sadie, thankfully, seemed oblivious and was simply concerned for her friend.  "He'll be driving in any moment now," Cole interjected.  I gave him a grateful smile and watched the hoard of bikers pull in. This didn't look like a celebration, in fact the club looked like it was in mourning, as some members rode with a club flag streaming behind them. I was about to ask Sadie what was going on when I saw him.  He looked as good as I remembered. Buzz cut, tattoos and leather, and wrong for me in all the ways that mattered. He pulled off his helmet and walked straight towards me, his honeyed eyes narrowing at my presence. My traitorous body curled with heat and desire at the sheer sight of him. I shrugged it off, knowing that I needed to keep my head in the game. It was that desire that had gotten me here in the first place.  Yeah. I had a lot of explaining to do. I squared my shoulders and stood tall as he walked towards me.  "Hey Ammo," I said, being careful to use his road name at the club, "can we talk?"  He grimaced. He grimaced as if he didn't want to see me, as if my presence here annoyed him. Which just irritated me more. I didn't have to be here. I could have just kept quiet and he would be none the wiser.  Trying to put a lid on my boiling temper, I trailed after Axel as he motioned for me to follow him to talk somewhere private. Mentally reminding myself that he didn't know why I was here and thus he could hardly be faulted for his reaction to my presence. I only hoped that he would understand that I needed to be off Hell Hounds soil within an hour. As far as he was concerned I was simply Sadie's friend that he had a one night stand with. What was I expecting out of this? Shared custody? Weekends away from my kid as he or she visited the father? I didn't even know, I just knew that some thread of my moral compass that still worked had brought me here, and so I trailer after Axel towards whatever he was taking me to talk.  Things were about to get a lot more complicated.